Tomorrow will be two months since I curled up in bed with Brian for the last time. 

Many of you have asked how we are doing, and the GriefShare group I have joined has encouraged me to open up about life without Brian so here is the truth...

Life stinks! I knew life without Brian would be hard, but I had no idea how lonely it would really be. I have great friends and family - you have all been so kind over the past 2+ years, but if I am honest, I would trade you all in for Brian!

Some days I wouldn't leave the couch if it weren't for the boys. Aidan teases me that I am always on the couch so I try to let him see me doing things other than vegging on the couch with my book or the t.v. Now that school has started I already find myself being more at ease since I am here alone and don't have to worry what the boys are learning from my poor choices.

Because of some of my sweet family and friends I have left the house and have even enjoyed some of those interactions/events with others. But I find myself turning around to laugh with Brian at my bad golf stroke, looking for his hand when walking around at state fair, expecting to see him across the room when I hear approaching footsteps, etc.

Some days I want to just stay in all day and some days I feel like I need to get out of here, and often those are game-time decisions and not planned in advance. I try to think about what Brian would do if he was here without me, and anyone who knows Brian well would probably agree with me that he would stay busy whether repairing the car (which is an issue right now), digging the thistles out of the yard or going out with friends. I know that he would tell me to do the same (minus fixing the car myself) so I am trying to find a balance between what I think I should do and what I am actually comfortable doing.

I am telling you this because it is important to me that I try (to be an example to my boys of healthier ways to deal with grief, to have fun with friends, to make happy memories, and to go on living).

1. Please keep talking about Brian. I don't want anyone to forget him, his smile, his sometimes too honest truth, the way he had of making us laugh, his big heart, his great cornhole-playing ability and his love of bourbon and cigars. I want him to remain a part of our conversations and I don't want anyone to hold their tongue around me or the boys. We need to hear about Brian.
2. Please forgive me if you haven't gotten a thank you card from me yet. There are many to write because so many people have showered us with love. I am working my way down the list, but if I somehow miss you please know that it's only because Brian was the detail person and I forgot to write your name on my list.
3. Please continue to invite us to parties, bars, and other events. Aidan is going to get really tired of me with it just being the two of us here now and we need to have fun!
4. And if decline your invitation this time or cancel at the last minute, please try to understand that I have very little control of my emotions and sometimes I just can't "do it" when the time rolls around.
5. Please don't take it personally if I start crying for no apparent reason. It may not be because of anything someone said or did, it may just be because a random memory popped into my mind or I see something that triggers me.

I don't claim to know how any of you have felt when you have lost a loved one, but going forward I hope to be a more gentle, sensitive and supportive person as a result of the things I have learned so far about grieving. 

Again, thank you all for helping us through this. 🙏