You know how in almost everybody's life there is at least one bright red line that separates the before and after? That's what August 30th will aways be for us. Before Brian got sick and after. Life before was "normal," happy for the most part, nothing notable. After Brian got sick, nothing is normal and I wouldn't describe our life now as happy. It will always be the month of demarkation.

It's been more than two years! Ironically on the anniversary this year both Brian and I had Covid again. The funny (and actually great) thing is that I got sicker than he did this time. Not that I loved being sick, but I did love the fact that after two years of building up Brian's immune system he weathered this Covid storm like a boss! That is amazing considering his damaged lungs.  His oxygen stayed up for the whole duration of his illness which lasted only about a week. Although we checked it constantly, we never were even close to concerned about his oxygen dipping to dangerous levels. Something to celebrate. We have never been fearful of this illness but now we know that it will not take Brian down again! 

As time marches on, so does life but as I have mentioned several times before, it seems like ours is standing still while we watch everyone else pass us by. It's still that way. That is incredibly hard, especially for our girls, who are in the last years of high school. Kennedi is a senior and there are so many "lasts." I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic trying to hold onto sand that is just slipping through my fingers no matter how tightly I try to hold them together. I want a re-do of high school! I feel bad for both girls as they have been robbed of so many things and so many promises we made to them in the "before years." Kennedi has always wanted to go to Greece and we have told her often that we would take her after she graduated. Obviously we cannot keep that promise as it is financially unrealistic. It's so unfair to her but there is not much of life that is fair so maybe this will be one of those hard lessons to look back on, but it's a sad one too. At this point, we just don't make any promises to them about anything. She will turn 18 in just a couple days. I can't believe it's here already. I'm not ready. She's not either.

Talking about our story has gone from emotional and hopeful to almost a point of shame for me. I don't bring it up much anymore and whenever it does come up, I cringe thinking that people are sick of hearing about it. Sometimes I wonder if they think we are milking sympathy. That is the LAST thing I want. It's just that no matter how hard we try, we cannot separate ourselves from what happened, from the "before." It has infiltrated every area of our life and I still don't really know who we are now. 

In July I stuck my toe back into working as a flight attendant. A dear friend took me on my first trip, hand picked it for me to work with her, picked me up, bought all my food on my overnights and helped me learn all the new procedures and re-learn what I already knew. My memory is really not what it used to be since this trauma happened and it was so nice to work with someone who was there to support and help me. After that, I did a few 2 day trips where I was just gone for one night. In August I began working a full schedule again. Lots of you have asked how it's going and I want to say "never better" but I am struggling. I have a lot of anxiety about leaving home and my girls. They don't like it either. It seems like so much drama goes down while I'm gone and unable to manage everything from the road. I'm also very tired. Their relationship with Brian is not interactive. That brings all kinds of other situations where he feels ignored and wants to micro-manage them to get some control. They push back hard on the micro-managing and it's a whole thing. I won't go into those details but it's not ideal. I'm trying to focus on being a light to my passengers and crew and not think so much about how I'm feeling. It helps a little. 

So here we stand at the two-year mark. The "as good as it's going to get" mark. Brian's health is the same. He still can't taste and the little taste he had was wiped out completely by this recent bout. We have tried everything out there with no success. He suffers terrible neuropathy in his feet which makes him a little clumsy and  he has constant shoulder pain. Recently he hurt his thumb somehow and now is in a brace. It's always something!

Brian has continued to have cosmetic treatments on his face. Two weeks ago he had an extremely invasive laser treatment. It was so painful for him and the recovery was very rough!  Now that the scabs have fallen off, he is again disappointed with the results. I think he is chasing an unrealistic goal. His face and nose will never look the same as before. I just don't think it's possible. The scars are a bazillion times better than they originally were and I don't even notice them anymore but when he looks in a mirror, they are all he sees. 

In a couple weeks, he will go in to get the results of his comprehensive blood work. He does it every six months. So far there has been improvement every time. If that's the case this time, he will back it off to once a year. I am interested to see if his second Covid has taken him backwards in any way. Fingers crossed!

In my opinion, the worst part of Brian in the "after years" is the cognitive damage to his brain. He frequently can't find a word. He can see it in his mind but it won't come out of his mouth, or he will say the wrong word. He also has very little tolerance for stress, of which we have a constant stream. I walk a tight rope between trying to handle as much as I can and also letting him take on the house hold responsibilities that he used to do in the "before years." Sometimes it's just too much for him but I appreciate all that he does. It's a balancing act. I want him to feel respected but I also need things to get done. I frequently fail at that balancing act.

As always there are other things that I can't say out loud. I want to believe there is a better life for us somewhere in the future. I want to be able to dream again and make plans again but that's not for today. Thank God we have hope in Him.

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me and asked me to write an update. I really thought I would stop in August but I never got around to writing because of being sick. I will never stop appreciating the love and those of you who haven't forgotten about us. It almost means more now because it has been so long. We are so grateful for our team. We love you all so much!

My hope is in the Lord.