Bonnie’s Story

Site created on January 27, 2021

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Journal entry by Bonnie Hollinger

You can tell your life has changed when you count the moments until a bandage change or if you were able to sleep longer than 3 hours at a time. Those are just some of the physical aspects of cancer, but the emotional ones are there as well.

It's been five days since my second surgery and today is a good one. Yesterday was rough with a lot of pain. Fortunately today is much better. The emotions of "when will the pain stop?" "will the pathology report come back with clear margins?" "what is next?" all hover near to the surface at any time. I distract myself by reading novels and writing thank you cards, watching Hallmark and documentaries of African Americans and redecorating my house in my head. I dream of warm sunny days at the ocean and lying in the kayak on our lake. 

Prayer is profoundly changing me as I am very confident of God's hand in my cancer. God is here, present in every moment, giving me Her light and love.

One of the blessings I am receiving is the gift of love and compassion. Joy is raining down on me as I am the recipient of your heart warming wishes, cards, food and gifts. I also am beginning to do small tasks and plan to return to work tomorrow from home. (we are still in COVID mode) I actually made my own breakfast today. 

Most of you know that I normally have lots of energy. I would rather run than walk, dance instead of sit, engage ideas instead of mull over them. So this one day at a time stuff is not easy. I'm a planner by nature, and yet I can't plan what is happening tomorrow. I could wake up energized and relatively free of pain or it could be a day where every move hurts. It's a good practice though, to rest in THIS moment, in the beauty of THIS day and be grateful.

As a spiritual practice for years, Daryl and I begin each day with a responsive saying, "This is the day God has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." This helps me stay in tune with one day at a time.  
On Tuesday I see the surgeon for a wound check and to discuss the pathology results. Friday I have my first visit with the oncologist at the Stanford Breast Cancer Center. The journey continues and I thank you for being part of it with me here on Caring Bridge. 
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