This is a life of extremes

Both sides are slippery and enticing

These are my places off the rails

And this, my loose recollection of a falling

I barely remember who I failed

I was just trying to keep it together

Hello. It’s me with the help of Alanis, again.  We’ve been on a first name basis for awhile.

Alanis Morissette and I share a survivor story.  Perhaps that’s what drew me in to her lyrics.  Her latest album, Such Pretty Forks in the Road leads off with the tune Smiling.  She explains in the liner note:

 “Countless therapists have given me feedback that, ‘Alanis, you’re saying something really, really challenging and hard to hear, and yet you’re smiling. Tell me about that.’ It’s the idea of presenting one way, and then internally falling apart. And that’s not an uncommon thing with certain types of people who want to help.”

Yup, my girl nailed it again.

This is my first wave of my white flag

This is the sound of me hitting bottom

This, my surrender, if that's what you call it

In the anatomy of my crash

And I keep on smiling

Keep on moving

Can't stand still

Life was pretty challenging before my health issues this year.  I often told myself to “keep on smiling…keep on moving.”   Push your dark stuff down. Take care off others in their time of need.  Be the helper. Hide from the trauma.   Yes, Alanis, “that’s not an uncommon thing with certain types of people who want to help.”

Me, the notorious bottom dweller

Me, the ceiling-less brave explorer

Lured to the ends of overwhelm

So this year has left me largely without my coping mechanism.  And that’s hard.  I started this journey retorting that “I’m the one who is supposed to be helping others!” You see it turns out that when you are forced to live without your security blanket you need to face contradictions raging inside.

The fight is still real.  I finished cardiac rehab and moved onto physical therapy.  They cheered yesterday when I began to lift the six pound weights. That’s along way from the 50lbs I would need to apply for so many jobs. I still get lightheaded when I stand, a hurdle the doctors tell me I may need to learn how to live with. There have been changes to my eyesight, but some magic eye drops have helped a bit. Lots of doctors appointments, prescriptions and more. I look forward to finding employment, but there is no real timeline.  I remain optimistic and continue to #ChooseJoy. 

Such pretty forks in the road

On this continuum I've been bouncing

Life flashing promise before my eyes

Love and Happy New Year,

Bill

#IOGD

#ChooseJoy

PS: In case there was any doubt, your prayers and support are getting me  through this terrific challenge. I cannot say thank you enough. I feel truly hopeful and cared for by your generosity! 

PPS: Watch Alanis perform Smiling-https://youtu.be/MoW2LEEs4WA