Bill is on some new meds and the memory loss is resolving. His brain seems to healing, albeit slowly and he still has times that he struggles with being set off by random things but we are both learning how to handle them better too. PTSD is no joke. C-PTSD is no joke either. 

His lathe allows him to be creative and it can mimic the affects of EMDR treatment which we are both doing as well. I’m so thankful for this modality for him to heal. It’s almost been 3 years now since the assault on him and we feel like we have lost two years of our life due to that trauma. We know life will never be the same as it was before but we can finally see improvements in his daily life. 

He’s been working on getting a new “business” going and it is just a trickle of income but we are thankful for it. It has provided him some feeling of worthiness and he’s really, really good!!! Check it out on Etsy at PhoenixRisingWood. 

I’m going to be honest about me and it’s hard. I’m struggling with my mental health, my autoimmune diseases, and physical health. I soooo wanted the beach to be the relief that I needed to heal. With the Big T trauma and little t trauma that we have been through, it has been taking its toll on me. I don’t have the familial support that a lot of other people have and my support system is not very big and I don’t have a lot of people that I can rely on or talk to. I am in therapy but my favorite therapist moved out of the area and I have another one now. So I feel alone a lot just trying to be supportive of Bill and make a little money here and there where and when I can.  Feeling worthy is truly hard for me now. 

 I was denied again for SSD and my attorney is appealing. Sad because I want to be able to be “normal” and work a regular job but I am aware that my physical issues would prevent me from holding a job down as I’m not a reliable employee anymore. To be disabled and continue to be denied but struggling with pain and dysfunction the way I am is beyond depressing. 

Today I can’t move my neck (so much it’s painful to drink coffee) and I have a sprained ankle that I have no clue (no actual injury) how I did it. It just started swelling up last night. I read last night it’s common with my autoimmune disease. Makes sense now why I used to roll my ankles and sprain them so much as a dog agility instructor/competitor.  Pain and inflammation limit what I can do and how much I can do. Things like this are a regular occurrence. 

I’m starting to recognize that my dreams are going to need adjustment. I also see that Bill has found a special talent and gift that we need to try and capitalize on. Acceptance of my limitations and disabilities, while being denied that I am actually disabled is so hard to mentally and emotionally understand. This is wearing on me. 

I do what I can, when I can. If I do one thing too many or different my body breaks, ask Bill. Yet,  I feel like I’m not enough. The system tells me it’s not enough. My sister and other family members are telling me it’s not enough. I just can’t describe the mental mind game that does to a person. It is HARD. Shame is an ugly emotion. 

My right shoulder surgery is finally feeling good. My left shoulder is sore so I’m hoping I don’t need surgery on it too. 

My hope is that my family and friends can have compassion and empathy for us and what we are going through. Sadly, What I feel from a few is judgement and condemnation for our hardship. I wish it (the assault) never happened. It has taught us a lot and brought out the best and the worst of us and our family. People can be so hurtful. Breaks my heart. 

Anyway… I thought I’d catch you up on our lives and if you took the time to read this, thank you. 

I’m truly trying to stay positive in an ongoing long haul of a storm. Stephanie