Journal entry by Bethany O’Banion —
I woke up today hurting. My stoma has been bothering me for a few days. I think I am having trouble getting a seal with the wax wafers that protect the site from the plastic rings of the bag. Also, just gradually easing into real food versus liquids is uncomfortable as it stretches the stoma, or at least that's my uneducated guess. Last night my stoma started bleeding and while it did hurt some mostly it just scared me.
This is hard. So much harder than I ever expected it to be. Before surgery I was just so excited for the opportunity to get better. I didn't consider recovery and complications. Because my life had felt like recovery and complications for the past 17 years so how could it be harder. But this is hard in a different way. Im not used to being this weak. And that says something because I feel like Ive spent my whole life weak. I get tired fast. I get dizzy and pass out if Im not constantly drinking electrolytes. This bag fills up constantly and try as I might it is hard to hide. Changing it on my own is gross, and ugly and I still gag as Im getting used to looking at it. Its just a different hard than I expected. Hard physically, mentally, and emotionally.
But then there are the sweet moments. The moments my sweet friends who are letting me stay with them take me outside and give life giving talks and laughs. Thank God for Chris and Zarah. They have pulled me out of the sadness unknowingly (or maybe knowingly) so many times this week. They have left my stomach hurting from laughing more than I've hurt from surgery. They have spoken into me and served me and loved me with so much abandon. And others too, my friend Al who selflessly brought me homemade masks to avoid this corona crazy. Karen who has sent me both comfy pajamas and bed mats to avoid any potential leakage. The flowers, the texts, the encouragement and check ins from others. You guys have kept my head toward the light when I didn't want to see any.
And then there's Jesus. My sweet Jesus who will not let me go a minute without remembering He is right next to me. Today He woke me up singing Keith Urban's "Blue aint your color." And I watched in my head as we danced and He spun me around and around until I started laughing. And then He whispered in my ear the sweetest reminder, "You are not these bags just like you were not the Crohns."
And He's right. We are not our suffering. We are not these shut ins made crazy by virus scare. We are not our diseases, mental, emotional or physical. We are not our financial stresses. We are not our broken hearts. We are children of God. We are inheritors of the abundant life. We are crowned in light and beauty and walk with it every day. We don't have to wait until eternity to see those mansions and jewels and gifts. We get them now. And when I sit and look at the wealth of community I have around me- even through social distancing- I remember. When I let the sun shine down and warm into my pore-i remember. When I talk to my Jesus and hear the passion and tenderness with which He speaks back to me- I remember.
So, here's my update. Am I struggling? Yeah. Its hard. But am I gonna make it? Yeah, because I live the abundant life. We're gonna make it. No matter our struggle. And we can be sad, and we can grieve, and we can cry. We can feel our emotions while we live it. But we have to remember. We have to remember the truth of what is and what is coming. Abundance is more than having. And we are not our suffering. We are so much more. Because He is so much more.
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