Through out my life, I have been able to experience many different events that people would see as traumatizing.  I mean for 13 years, I worked in mental health with teenagers and children, so there were quite of few things witnessed or heard, that most people couldn't handle or bear to want to handle it.  Some of those traumatizing events were seeing someone being killed/robbed while on my mission trip,  witnessing evil that had affected a friends family and tore it apart, witnessing a person having to be restrained to try and get a razor blade out of their mouth while blood was everywhere...(possibly why I can't handle blood and stuff and couldn't do nursing school lol).  But I would have to say that there is nothing in my life, and I mean nothing that I could think that has been more traumatizing to me than having to watch my child die in our arms and not having the control to do anything to fix it.  I can't believe that I even felt that I had hard times in my life before this.  

Life has truly been an emotional rollercoaster as we try to strive forward.  I feel like, and according to all the grief books I've been reading, that my emotions go from sad, happy, angry, depressed, and so on throughout each day.  I know they say it takes time and will get better, but I feel like that won't happen.  I try doing things to stay busy but its almost like I'm just going through the motions, and nothing is going on inside.  Just a robot.  All that I am consumed with is thoughts of Isabella, and how much I miss her.  Things I enjoyed doing or songs that I enjoyed singing or playing on the piano, do the same thing, and remind me of her, and then i feel sad again.  I try not to cry, but it happens at least once a day.  I went hiking in the mountains one day, and right when I arrived there, somewhere over the rainbow by Izzy, the Hawaiian guy started playing on my itunes and my first thought....I wish isabella was here to enjoy this hike with me.  I was then sad the whole hike, wishing she could've experienced this hike with me...

One of the grief books discusses how sometime while grieving, people tend to feel a loss of purpose.  That rings very true.  Before Isabella was born, we knew that she could possibly have some learning disabilities and issues and we decided that it would be best if I continued to work part time on the weekends and liz would work during the week, so I could stay home with Isabella and not have to pay for specialized day care.  Well now that isn't the plan, I feel like I don't know what my purpose should be, because it was supposed to be stay home and take care of Isabella!  I mean I am planning on working full time now, but mentally, it doesn't feel important anymore to work.  The degree I just earned to better our lives and have a family seems pointless.  I'm guessing that these feelings are normal and that over time they will all go away, but it's difficult to see that far in the future.

We have created/started a beautiful flower/plant garden in our front yard for Isabella.  My godparents sent us money asking us to buy a dogwood tree to plant for Isabella.  We we decided to do that and more and have started this small place for her.  Eventually we will even build a little bench in the middle of it to sit and remember all the good times we did have with Isabella.  Liz made a little sign for her saying "Izzy's Garden".  She had special bricks made with sayings on there for her and one of them actually has her real footprints on it!  And the angel statue that was given to us by her coworkers is in there.  Over time we will definitely add more flowers to it and hopefully it will grow into a beautiful garden for Izzy.