Ante Rilovic

NOSTALGIA

Pensioner’s life is not light, how many think. When you need the most, they give you the least. I do not agree with those, who say that we have less needs, and nor with those who justify procedures authorities toward us. To pensioner needs to give earn, particularly, if he or she did it with work. Ours superannuation’s are with work-acquired rights that neither the most rapacious power dares to grasp. Unfortunately, this ours, Croatian, is doing it. It converted us in former people. You are surely interrogating selves what I want with this yarn. In the first line, the life in old age is laden with some kind of yearning’s looking back, comparing it with present time, regardless was it nice to somebody or not.

Rancorous with superannuation that a mail carrier has just delivered to me, chronicle obsessed with pensioners’ problems, I got out earlier than usually. Probably I have wanted to exchange thoughts about it with somebody, and share my exasperation and regret at that irrelevant power's action toward us. War is, of course, guilty for all. What kind of mischief, could not it bring to us yet? Because of it, we put up much that at a cube, even ours freedom and standard. Somebody had to support us, how we would not alone charge the war. The time did not spare us; not looking back at possible sacrifices. It seemed me I linger waning, and that would be best, that the time finish with me at the way, how it is otherwise doing it with others, desisting from mine rights. Who in my age, did not come in conflict with such power, regardless at does he whole eternity wait or not establishing just such power. I was in conflict with previous too. Every one personified self as democracy. Democracy there is not where power jeopardizes human rights. For new time needed new words, adequate its procedures. Certain dose of critic is desirable, suspicion in good purposefulness ruling elite still more. Mourning is embittering, to me maybe more than others. I had to do inventory proper consciousness, and to peer into subconscious, uncovering causes of my displeasure with new Croatian power, and at last realized ours independency. Fortunately, I did not belong to those, who feared clasping with reality; I did not flee in world of phantasy, though what I worked was it. Writing could not alienate me from anything, least from my country and people with which I am living. I always wrote something what was in touch with actual situation. Circumstances transmute me in inquisitive and eminently suspicious person, who now and then is seeking a hair in the egg, in everything what somebody was upholding. I always anew seek something with what I could intrigue readers, something new, more challenge and nearer to that what readers is expecting. Move from readers’ audience is weird for writers with what they are inviting loathing. Too much double up you do not dare to be, to phantasy you have to give vent. That what worry me is fact that frontier between two worlds, that from ere and this from now, is not firm. Now and then seemed me that much of that did not change, that all is rolling up as well as ere. The power again take all what it can, and it the most from us pensioners. It was the main cause for ours cheerlessly invocation past. 

The fresh spring’s morning announced nice day; afternoon’s temperatures will allegedly uplift until twenty degrees. “Come on!” I exclaimed in mine sleeves. After the long and sharp winter it was something, particularly for such men like me, which did not know what would do with selves-own. Strolling through streets, surveying windows of warehouses, I shortened dull and sleepy mornings. How I was not content with much that, I has had sense, that all, at I would stop my look, were making us submissive to ours new power, chose at free democratic election in our country. Dictation of the diurnal politics carried away us with ours successes at battlefields and simultaneously pursuing Serbs out of ours country. Next to all financial afflictions, ours independence became because of it increasingly tolerable. How much that I had expected, choosing Croatian Democratic Community, and what we got, diminishing ours pensions. All resembled to a collective euthanasia. We old and decrepit people could not compel authoritative to modify laws, with which they limited ours rights, taking from us nearly two thirds ours incomes. I was angry; who would not be? Those were also all my friends, which were entire their working time paying eminent contributions for theirs pension and invalid’s insurances. The first what occurred me, was, that authoritative depriving us of ours rights, enjoy in ours misery, and, what is the most incomprehensible, ours disappointment in them.

After hundred meters, I met one my woman-neighbor, celebrity per hers long and vicious tongue. I do not know whom she was not slander yet. Nobody wants to speak to her besides me. Therefore, she was lauding me, of course, after she had said something untoward. I was a dangler, rapscallion, and corruptive, with one’s word said, everything. I was not resenting it to her, for different from others. By Next to all hers wickedness, she was always mirthful. I assessed her from head to foot. She did not give to anybody on herself, though rarely which old woman hers age, from ours street, looked such voluptuous as she. She was conscious it, and in spite of hers age, she wants to please me, though she was several years older. Once, twenty years ago, she pushed me one maiden for amuse and party. She intended to set me in fire, how I would berserk, having her overindulged. I was a good party. After several exits, one my friend from school days stopped me and warned. “Look out, Ante, loafer is heavy category!”

“Boxer is?” I asked him.

“Ruffian is he, Ante! Nobody go with her anywhere! If he would doubt in hers fidelity, he could change yours personal depiction. I tried to screw her, but she only did not say to me that she is innocent. Contrive, maiden in years, innocent! I desisted from all and rear hands from her at hers big mourning.” 

“Wherefrom are you?” I asked her, encountering her near the market. 

“Are you fallen down from Mars? From the market I am! Contrive, I got sardines! Long time there was not them. Eight Kuna’s is kilogram! I bought two kilos!”

“What will you do, for god's sake, with so many sardines? For you and for yours old man is sufficiently a half kilogram.

“I will put up them in marinade. Fingers you would lick if you would probe them!”

“You have to say to my spouse how you do it.”

“No problem, my neighbor! If there were not them, what would I have done? Superannuation is from day to day less, prices are jumping! If I were younger, I would open my shop!

“Do not make such jokes at yours own account!”

“God be with you! Why I would do it? Shops that kind are in vogue! Do you see the traffic at Marianne; she works by day and night? If I were she, I would be still worse. Nobody is taking her it in bad part. She has right. Foreign exchange is it, sir! UNPROFOR’s soldiers and officers are coming in crowds to her. Money spins where drill will not!” 

“Where it lead?”

“It leads in freedom! Did you see the newest porn videos of big, honored and famous Hollywood’s women-actors? They are giving to fuck selves for big money, shamelessly sucking nude cocks!”  

“Freedom Madam!”

“May be.” She continued repeating it.

I was surprised. A sprout of uneasiness hit me. With all I could reconcile, only not with that, that strangers in uniforms of UNPROFOR lead love with ours maidens. &&

It is sadness and contemptuous, misty and plaguy in the same time. One day Marianne will lull self and marry somebody’s, who will not idea about hers past. I sensed condolence toward hers ulterior husband. He will fall down as sacrifice of his love with her. If somebody says something compromising about her, she would wave with hands, replying that all are the most common defamation envious and malicious people. 

Submerged into my own dreams, I proceeded to the Jelatschic square. Because of that, ours damn war, I wanted to sink in children’s dreams, and play with them, regardless what would somebody think about me. I did not succeed it, for it you must be a child and to have theirs spirit. Some kind of madness is also necessity for it. “Berserk must be you, Ante! Lunatics are thriving, wholesome not. Insanity is intriguing!  It knews to be speculative too, giving boon to man who act so.

Nice day was promising much that to me. I predicted that I would pass through something unusually. Weird themes have persecuted me! I was obsessed with possibilities of contraction times and spaces, and so curtailing somebody of something. Neither at the end of my mind was to desist from try to experience it, and find myself into that misgiving of eternity. It has had to save me of general mobilization and perdition. All was inviting my close attention. I stopped in front of a window, reading headline of exposed books and gazettes. I wanted to uncover essentiality of things, what motivated power to rush at us, but, it was not easily, the time in that we live is much differently from previous, it was not possible find anything old into it. Exit was only one; someone else had to find what I was seeking, and instruct me, supervising me behavior.  Only he could explain causes ours disrespect authorities, comparing and joining past with present time.

That what surprised me, and what I did not expect, believing that all people were experiencing all similar to me, were theirs faces, and that what they were expressing with them. I was stopping my look at every, wanting to reveal theirs momentary mood.

A window in that were exposed latest informatics attainments pulled mine attention. I was zealous with that what it offered; personal computers and printers were intriguing me, still more prices. Computer would help me rectify my writing. My ambitions were not small, I wanted among writers, and not among any what, than among biggest. Do not resent it to me! From the beginning, I wanted much that. Disappointed with impossibility buying it, even at two or three-year repayment, I wanted to proceed with my walk, but that moment appeared in front of me one of my old friends. He has been vacillating, whether enter into the shop, or not.

“Hail!” I has greeted him, with not little dose of contempt. He was one of those, who was hardly bound end with end, waiting a sacrifice that would invite him at coffee.

“Hail!” He has greeted me likewise.

His lucid, vivid and restless look amazed me. “Do you also interesting for computers?” 

“One would well come to me!

“Only for yours writing?”

“For what else I would need it?”

“Are you for coffee?” I asked him putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Who calls, pays!”

“No problem!” I replied happy that I met somebody with whom I will kill some time.

We set in a coffee-room in the «passage». War was ours theme. Who were «ours», we did not know, those from ere, were not it, these now still less. Authorities of past time, became over night nowness authorities, and what was the most worrying, they were leaders of previous communist’s secret police.   They took us ours saving for old age, not shaming theirs incomes and future superannuation, which they legislated with the separately law. We were not more peers; the some laws were not valuable for all. They legalized knavery. Are they generally consciousness what they are doing? If they were not, we could pardon them it, if were, needs judge them! Neither at the end of my mind was undermine with such opinion any power, least ours Croatian, now anticommunistics. 

“Thanks God!” He has said with not little dose of irony. “The state leads worry about us, looks after us, protects us, putting us at diet.”

It did not like me, that remark is reflecting on something what I did not like, inviting wistful for ere times, when nobody dared to touch pensioners incomes. We has had push in oblivion it, the war demanded such procedures.

I entered into the café laughingly. Beside all mischief of the time, in this café, I always experienced something pleasure. As soon as I sat at my seat, I weighed guests, and after it stop a look at one black-haired woman. There was something unusually in her. She attracted me with it. God knows what she was not, but in spite of it, I wanted to establish some contact with her, believing that hormones would not betrayed me. That what surprised me was hers interesting for me too. 

“We are here in the window.” My friend has said it to me.

“It does not matter. Somebody could join to us.”

“Have you got on the lottery?”

“I got the pittance that I getting every month.”

“It did not last me longer than two weeks.”

“What do you eat after?

At the neighboring table were sitting three men. Scowls somber faces, with one word said scared. “What kind of mischief hit them?” I has said, surprised with theirs aspect.

“Rwepression Ante!” Ours new authorities do not like those who were in disgrace of the communist’s power.”

“Nothing strange is in it. They are also communists. Pardon, previous communists, and may be even collaborators of the communist secret police or its leaders.

“Here is John too!” My friend has exclaimed. 

“Nothing strange is. He is inventory of the Jelatschic square!”

“Is he still ever euphoric?”

“He is indestructible!” 

Reminiscences were gushing forth. John was looting with particularity, he believed in what majority did not, in the socialism and communism, in the international solidarity of working people. “John, John!” I have muttered, frowningly.  He has stood with two very attractive women of fortieth in front of the window with fashion clothes. 

“Does he fuck them?” Mitchell asked me with not small dose of envy.

“Ask him!”

“If he had had shorter tongue, he would not have finished two times on Naked”.

“Two-engine is?”

“Yes, hard case he was!”

Many were hiding theirs past. Some feared from revenge, some from mobilizations. Self-appointed activists could to every of us to do some evil. All sorts of that happened widen ours country. Much of that did communists, and previous agents of the communist secret’s police, considering selves invited for it. 

They became silent, remembering adventures from the secondary school and pupil’s home.  .

“Ante hail!” «Two-engines« greeted me, extending hand.

“Hail!” I have greeted him, not taking his hand.

“Hail, of course! At the next election «healthful forces» will win!”

He said it with not small dose of ironies. Tugman throw down from the power «revisionists»”. We now have Hebrang’s street; «healthful forces» power.

“From whom you are making fun, from you or from us! ... Sit down!”

“I never refused coffee yet!”

One of those pussycats, with which he stood in front of the window has just entered in the café.

“John, John! You are incorrigible! Around you are always many beautiful women.”  

“Those are for you women! Girls are they for us Ante! Teenagers they are!”

“Do you fuck them?”

“I would, but …”

“Are they expensive?”

“They are giving gratis too.” Mitchell interfered. “You can get only with a condom! They do not want to go on Naked.”

“To the Naked Island that was infamous communist’s penitentiary for «healthful forces», or naked cock?”

“The same is, both would fuck out them until death.” I said it laughingly, stopping the look on the market’s bag that one of them has held in a hand. “Are you also bought sardines and inwards?” I asked her, smilingly.

“How it occurred to you?” 

“My woman-neighbor said me that he had succeeded to buy even two kilos. They cost eight Kuna’s kilo. Did you already spend yours month’s superannuation?”  

 “No Sir! My shop still ever works!”   

“I do not doubt into it!”

“If you want you will get free from some of my friends!” 

“There are surely little clumsy!”

“You have enough sense for joke! … Visit me Sir! You will tipple self with marinating sardines!”

“You will self with good Monte-Negro’s wine!”

“Are you Montenegrin?”

“Yes, I am half Montenegrin!”

“Do you have problems with new powers? Many today do not like Russians.”

“From the power not, from some of those «many» was that enough. Some day one said me that I am enough bread eaten! He thought at Croatian bread!”

“In democracy and freedom each man eats his own bread! That is dictionary of Nazis!” Mitchel has interfered.

“They are it!”

“Do you know whom I encountered ten days ago?”

“How I could know it?”

“Do you remember ours Chetnick! He became brigadier in ours army!”

“Was he now in cahoots with Chetnicks too?”

They knew him from the school and theirs youth work brigade. They built the railway Brcko-Banovici. In neghbearing mountainous were many chetniks.  He was the commander of night dead’s sentries. He once said that he did not afraid of them, because he is in conspiring with them. Then he could the head lose for it!

“Serb was commander, brigadier, in Croatian Army! Strange is it.”

“Now he is also the boss manager of the sale’s department in the Zagreb’s dairy.” 

“Supply is going over you?” I asked him.

“Yes, why you ask me it?”

“There is milk and creams nowhere!” … I continued bitingly to make fun of him, how I had done it during ours pupils and student days. 

“Nitwit one, you have again started!”

TELEPATHY

She was too particular, pretty and intelligent, that it was unbelievable, that she is enamored in me. Encountering her nearly every day, in front of the baker-shop opposite of my home, I think of that she was enamored in me, because she did not have habit to buy bread, milk and other household’s necessities ago. It did hers mother, with whom she has been living three houses away in my street. After some time I fell in love with her, I do not know how, because she did not give me any reason for it. He was always too serious and reserved toward me, not showing any interest for any contact with me. All my attempts to talk with her and so to make acquaintance with her, was in vain. A month ago, I dreamed her running after me in the student’s restaurant, wanting to say me something.

“Hey Tony, you do not see me!” She has stopped me going to the tram station, two corners away from my home. “Are you in a hurry? You do not believe me, I have been just thinking about you and a possibility of ours hand in hand travelling to ours faculty.

“I was surprised. She knew my name, and she wished to talk with me. Is not it more than fantastic? However, in spite of it, I could not find words for an answer. Her silhouette has persecuted me; I saw her everywhere, even in the lecture room at my faculty.

Today, again after lunch, I dreamed her, how she is standing in front of a bookshop near my home, waiting me. She was angry and disappointed because she has waited so long time.  Allegedly, we had an appointment for it. Completely absent minded, I went out on the street and run across it toward her. At that moment, a moto-bicyclist pushed me down at the ground, hurting me. Soon a red-cross car came, and two nurses helped me to stand up and got on the car. She was standing at the border of the pavement, watching us. However, it was not this time she. It was a young woman from my neighborhood, who I often knew to identify with her. 

FREE SERVICE

She had sixteen, blue eyes, gentle complexion, and as a sculptor has sculptured hers body. I have opened the door asking her what she wants.

- Mister Doctor I am pregnant six weeks! I do not wish the baby! - She said to me with an odious look. - You will do it to me, will you! I will pay you, how you want!

- How I want! – Mister Doctor has repeated in his sleeves, smilingly. Did you say how I want? 

- Yes Doctor!

- Come in girl! How old are you?

- Sixteen Doctor! - She answered, smilingly.

- You are still a chicken! Someone had a good time with you.

- Yes Doctor!

- Is not yours boy a football player, girl?

- Yes, doctor! He is only two years older of me. He seduced me.

- Does he know that you are pregnant?

- Yes, but it is not surely the baby is his!

- I do not understand, how it ii possible!

- We were together with all his team in a little place over in abroad, playing a friend match! We put up in a motel near the border! I was in a room with still three his friends, and when he started to fuck me, I could not oppose to others. I simply did not have enough strength to refuse them. I was tipsy. We also smoked some herbage. They use me. They ravished me! We stayed three days there. Whole team led love with me. They were all too brutal and cynical that is unbelievable. I was innocent Doctor. They deprived me of virginity.

- Dear mine, they could not all to do it to you! Probably only yours boy did it!

- Doctor, several times ruptured inside me all, with three or four them. They did not have equals things!

- How could you submit it?

- Nice I was doctor. I already said to you, I was tipsy and drugged! I enjoy three days them Doctor!

- Then you used them, not they you!

- It was just so Doctor! Bygone Doctor! Next month we are going at tour in abroad again. I do not dare to miss it! The life is so short, youth especially!

- Take off your panties please, and sit there! I must visit to you!

- Thank you, Doctor. Give only! 

- I pushed my fingers in hers vagina and palpated uterus.

- You are in the third, maybe even in the fourth month girl! What you waited so far? My child, it will cost you much!

She catches my hand, wonting to kiss me. I already said to you Doctor, I will pay how you want!

- I started to kiss her, first hers thighs, and after everywhere. She did not oppose, encouraging me. Give only Doctor! If you cannot do all today, I will come tomorrow!

THE UNDERGRADUATES’ SUMMER

She was living in the same street with me. From my childhood, I was enamored at her beautiful blue eyes and fair hair. What I can say more, I was mad for her, although I knew I haven=t any chance because she had ever in a party with more beautiful and a stronger boy who had black eyes and curly hair. After the semester is over, I met her in front of my home.

- Tony, dear, I am in a quarrel with Iv! He is impossible! Where are you going?

- I don=t know! If your wish goes with me . . .

- Yes, Tony! I must find somebody who will go with me this summer! I can=t stay alone, without anybody! You love me; I know it!

- Yes Sonny!

Who could put anybody in place that moment? Especially I could not be it. However, in spite of that I decided not oppose her. After a while, I take her hand leading her to park. In the meantime became dark. We are sitting on a bank talking about her intention to go at the seaside in the youth camp. I kissed her. After that, she was continuing to kiss me enjoying in my wish. A week later, we were at the camp. I was looking forward because I hoped I would fuck her, but when darkly came a tall strong boy came asking her:

- Are you ready?

- Yes, I am! - She answered brushing her hair. - Tony will look after my things!

Expecting her excuse, I could not asleep. In down she came tired unwillingly to talk with me. I try to fuck her, but she did not want it.

- Let me sleep, Tony! He was fucking me! It was awfully, I thought I would die! He is, so awful, Tony!

It was continuing during our stay at the seaside. I only asked myself, who was looking after his things.