2024….It’s been over a year since I’ve updated this page- what a good year! Last year we came home from two months in Costa Rica and were overjoyed to learn scans revealed no active cancer and all tumors had disappeared! 

We filled the year with all the best things- sitting around fires, sharing meals with friends and family, devotions as the sun come up, visiting family, worshiping with our church, traveling, rising animals…..and even better, watching our kids grow more like Christ: Corianna turning into a gentle almost-adult, Liam’s compassion blossoming, Auburn brightening a room with her joy, the twins’ contagious fullness of life, and seeing Samuel’s 2nd birthday (and 3rd tomorrow!). A year- we didn’t necessarily expect- of joy, gratefulness, and God drawing us closer to each other as a family and closer to him. I am so thankful for these last two years! 

This year coming home from Costa Rica we were greeted with different news. The cancer that had turned dormant has become active and metastasized to my brain. Different news, but the same good God. 

I’ve had been noticing my right eye won’t track with my left eye and an MRI revealed the probable cause is a tumor on my brain. One tumor, but enough smaller spots on the MRI that I agreed to do full brain radiation. I started yesterday and will have 8 more sessions every weekday at 8:20am. The procedure is very easy and only about 10 minutes! My dad prayers for me in the waiting room through the radiation, and then we go home. Side effects probably won’t be very strong until the treatment is finished (including hair loss…uhg.), and who knows? Prayerfully not then!  I can still live life normally I just have an excuse for taking more naps! 

I don’t doubt that God can completely heal me in a millisecond, though I won’t pretend to know his will. A friend sent me a quote that Jonathan Edwards prayed; “Lord, stamp eternity in my eyeballs.” That is my prayer as well. And this last month God is answering that prayer- figuratively and literally! Every-time I look to the right or up and my right eye won’t follow as it should, I’m reminded of the cancer, of my finiteness, of a flower fading in the evening. The next thought is of how permanent new life is…eternal life. 

A dialogue in Lord of the Rings keeps running through my head when I think of starting over all the work a disease can be;

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” 

This is the time and the life I’m given, and I’m thankful for it. And I pray I will serve God, my family, my friends, and anyone God puts in my path as long as I can. 

All things considered, I’m doing very well. God’s given me a peace and I’m not scared or angry. I know what I’m called to do right now- love my kids, practice the fruits of the spirit, go to appointments, forgive, do the laundry, make sure coyotes don’t eat my chickens, etc. And that’s more than enough.

I had the privilege of sharing my testimony at our church last summer and I’m re-feeling much of what I said then. So I’ll repost part of it- in the interest of getting back to the two year old who is unraveling the entire toilet paper roll, the 6 year old’s pestering the dog, and the 11 year old looking for her soccer socks (the dog will thank me). 

Through this cancer journey, God’s showed me what it means to be loved fiercely. 

Even in the midst of the painful, long nights, sprawled on the floor, begging God to either take the pain away or to take me away, I still couldn’t wish for it to disappear IF it was needed to draw me farther into Christ’s arms. 

And it did. 

He has and is refining me through His word, through marriage, through raising children, through prayers, and through cancer. 

I know that whatever God gives me, is for my good and he knows what my soul needs. 

I do wish my stubborn heart didn’t need such refinement, but because it does, what else can I do but rejoice when I face trials?  To know that I am so loved by Him that he considers me worthy to change? He won’t let me wallow in my ugly sins and self-worship forever.

I’m no expert on suffering. A year of pain with excellent medical care, a home  food, family, and a church and the return of cancer with minimal side effects, is minuscule compared to what the majority of Christians around the world have and do suffer. 

But if I can provide any encouragement to you from what I learned, it is to take to heart in your God. 

Know that he is in control. 

Know that everything He gives you, as His child, is for your ultimate good. 

Love his goodness and fear his righteousness. 

Let his perfect blood cover you. 

One day every knee will bow- some willing. 

Those knees that don’t bow willingly are truly and devastatingly living their best lives now. 

If God gives you suffering to urge you to bow before the choice is gone- praise Him! It’s worth the cost!

I do dread future emotional or physical pain, but I’m so thankful that my creator continues to shape me into His image

I pray that my heart and your hearts will be soft and drawn to God through blessings. Through health, through wealth, through peace, and joy. 

But if not, I pray that we will be drawn to God through whatever means necessary-even pain, suffering,  or persecution. 

Life- cancer and all- is so, so, so good. 

But it’s still not enough. 

We are made for so much more. 

God has promised his children a better gift. 

And the best is yet to come.

Amber