4:33am... here I sit with my racing mind. Alden woke up again with a bad dream. This is how it all started, he kept telling me he was having bad dreams. I didn't think much of it. That turned into puking everyday repeatedly for 13 days until finally getting answers at LHSC. 13 days without answers. 13 days of thinking someone just needed to find the right medicine. 13 long days I thought would be over soon. I figured his appendix was bothering him. Then we got the CT scan which revealed the true culprit. A large mass inside my baby's brain. The doctor looked at me and said " unfortunately we found a mass, Alden has brain cancer". What??? How??? Why??? When?? How long?? But it was his appendix, I was certain. How could my little boy have a brain tumor?? 3 weeks earlier he was playing, running, making us all laugh... how could this be? Since that day we have had MRI's, brain surgery, CT scans, spinal tap, mask fitting, his first tattoos... and pathology results. After hearing he had a brain tumor, I thought I'd heard the worst. But hearing he had an aggressive cancer coursing through his brain was far worse... the tumor was removed, only small fragments left behind... but the cancer was raging, high grade they call it. I've met so many nurses and doctors, case managers, hospital staff and many other positions I can't seem to remember... because my brain stopped working the second I heard CANCER. I dont know if I'll be able to always write about it, I have a hard time even thinking about it most days... I'm not even sure why I'm writing now. It's hard being a part of something you have no control over. It's hard seeing your 4 yr old living what seems to be a normal life, and you're just waiting for the other shoe to fall. I know others have gone through this as well and I know I have an amazing support system, yet I've never felt so alone in my whole life. I hope Alden doesn't feel that way. I hope he knows that I'm here. EVERY. SINGLE. STEP. I don't know what this journey holds for him... but I know he's a fighter. I see him fighting every day. Well, here's my first blog of the journey.

P.S. FUCK CANCER