Journal entry by Julie Williams-Jenkins

I'm sad.  There is no other way to say it.  I know I will be fine tomorrow, but today...I'm bummed.  It has been a hard few days with my original Cancerversary on Sunday where after two years of chemo, radiation and surgeries I came out triumphant having felt that I had WON!  Cut to today and I have not.  The Bitch was just playing the long game and I really didn't anticipate how long she would bide her time.  Fuck you, Bitch, FUCK YOU!  I HATE YOU!!  You've taken everything from me and I HATE YOU!  So much. So fucking much.  AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!  I'm PISSED!

I don't recognize myself anymore.  It is amazing the roll that eyelashes and eyebrows make on your face.  I just see an unattractive blank canvas and I don't know what to do with it anymore.  And I see me in the mirror every day, but why bother?  No one notices my efforts to look better for them and for me.  I feel invisible.  I want to feel pretty again and I really don't.  I know that's me feeling sorry for myself and I will get over it.  But I miss me, I miss my face and my hair and I don't think I will ever get to see her again and I miss me.  As long as I'm making impossible wishes, I would also like to see me 100lbs ago, I miss her, too.  I had cheek bones and a chin - maybe that would help my lack of a face.  LOL

I had to have a letter written by my oncologist today for something and even though I know it, having it written out that I "am receiving palliative intent chemotherapy.  Treatment unfortunately will not be curative" really hit me.  So final.  Minutes later, while I was sitting alone at chemo, the nurse brought me the results of my tumor marker....its gone up.  Dammit, nonononono.  No.  Please, no.  That fucking Bitch, she figured me out again and is getting around our shotgun approach to trying to beat her back.  We will take more scans and start a new medicine next month - might work for about 6 months but the side effects are hard.  But I'm scared.   I'm sitting here sobbing and terrified.  Did I let my guard down?  I want some control in this and I have none.  I can't do anything and she's just killing me.  I don't want to die.  But I really am.  I really am.  I always know this, but I keep thinking I'm fine and I will have time and maybe I can be there for my kids and watch them become adults.  But its not going to happen.  I'm really not.  My babies, I'm so sorry.  I don't want this for them.  My poor Shawn, my love, I'm so sorry that you have to watch this happen.  Mom and Dad, you shouldn't have to watch your only child go, it isn't fair.  It is so not fair.  But it really is happening and I can't stop it.  

So I'm sad and I'm scared.  I want more time.  Please, make it stop going by so fast.  Just let me be, go away, get out of my body, GO AWAY, get out of my life, leave me alone.  

Soooo, I'm going to have a pity party today for one.  Go live - it's such a gift.
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