So I haven't wrote in here since before Adrian's passing, but I can honestly say this sucks. Its coming up to the 4 month mark and it hasn't gotten any easier. I don't care what anyone says it sucks. I have had to fight for so much in my life. Adrian got me through some pretty dark things in my life and he was always loved me no matter what or how bad it was. Losing a child has caused me to fight to keep everything together including my marriage. I have tried so hard to cover up the hurt and pain and move on with life but its not that easy. I'm a mess at night. There isn't a time in the day when I don't think about Adrian. Everyone keeps telling me time heals everything and that god took him for a reason. Well bullshit a child should never have to die ever. Also time isn't going to heal this at all. It doesn't get easier no matter what. I stay strong for my kids I have also put a major wall up around my heart I have shut my feelings and emotions of so I feel empty on the inside. Its like I keep going through all the stages over and over. My kids are my world and I have worked so hard to get to where I'm at. Its not like we were these parents that didn't give our kids everything. Our life is all about our kids they come first and always have. It kills me seeing Lukas tell he misses Adrian and he wants him back. I can take the pain but watching my son have to deal with it and him not being able to understand his own feelings freaking hurts a lot. I have numbed myself so much since getting the results on Adrian. Ill never forget sitting in that room with my husband and 3 doctors and them telling us he had Alpers. I'll never forget asking is this going to kill Adrian and the doctor looking at me as the other 2 doctors have tears in their eyes and saying yes it will but I cant tell you when it will take him. Me then having to make the choice of bringing Adrian home and passing away there. I choose the hospital and I'm sure tons of people will never be able to understand why I made that choice as I know even some of my family still doesn't get why I didn't bring him home. Knowing my son was going to past in a hospital room was not easy at all but I knew it was best for him. I knew they could give the best possible care for him. Ill also never forget the Saturday me and Perry went to the hospital and met with his hospice doctor and making the choice of making him a DNR. As I stood there holding Adrian's hand I made the choice that he was never to go back on life support again after going through that 5 times I couldn't do it to him anymore. Knowing his seizures were unstoppable and that they would only give him meds to keep him comfortable and that he could end up seizing for hours till it stopped on its own or killed him. These are things a parent shouldn't have to go through ever. Adrian suffered he lost his eye sight and couldn't walk he had to wear a pull up, he was in a wheelchair and still through all of that he kept his smile. That little boy had more strength then anyone I have ever met. Watching my child past away in my arms and having to make the call to my husband that I needed him to come with no questions asked. Having to see my stepdad come in and see if Adrian had a pulse with tears in his eyes. These 2 men tried so hard to be strong for me and Adrian. Knowing leaving the hospital that night I would never see my first born son alive again it killed me it really did. I have buried my emotions along with my child. The day of Adrian's funeral didn't feel real at all. The lady asked if I wanted to view Adrian before she opened the room to the public, I asked my brother Kyle to come in with me he agreed I barely made it a foot in the door and I felt my body give and I fell apart as my brother held me up walking up to see my little boy in a box. Never in my life did I think I would be seeing one of my children like that. Not a single person could tell me they knew what I was feeling and dealing with cause none of them had lost a child like this. Its not easy dealing with any of this to this day. I have always been one to just not want to deal with problems but holy shit this is so hard. I keep going on for Adrian knowing he would not want me to give up at all. On top of dealing with all the petty BS other people try to bring to my life during all of this. On top of my own family making things even harder through all of this, having a parent not there at all through the whole thing on top of that. Yeah my life isn't perfect but I shouldn't have had to ask my own parent to be there ever I shouldn't have ever felt like I or my kids meant very little to them. I have been one to not force people to be in my children's life ever. These are all things I have to think about and deal with everyday on top of my normal every day stuff like work, and my kids, and my husband and bills. Things aren't easy at all but I know Ill somehow get through this.