As the months pass by I continue to feel this pressing ache in my heart more and more with each passing day.  Because this grief is real and stares me in the face every minute of everyday.  Dave, Alyssa and I are finding it inconceivable to live without  Addy. It's been 288 days without her, 288 days since we heard her voice, 288 days since her death became a part of our life,  it still feels like she is going to stumble through the front door with that contagious laughter of hers.

I don’t even know how to get through Mother’s Day this year.  Nothing seems to fit the agenda for a mother whose  daughter has died.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying to convince myself that it’s going to be okay.  And it's hard to put on a happy face during times when my heart is throbbing so bad that it literally hurts.  I’m just plain tired of the thought of facing one more day that "should be happy" without Addy.

So, what am I going to do this year?  I don’t know yet.  Last years memories are like yesterday - and all the years before that I will never forget.  I have kept all of my cards and gifts from the girls (see attached pictures), so thankful for these treasures.  I haven’t figured out how Mother’s Day will play out this year.  I’m not sure I’ll feel like being around people that day.  Or, maybe I will feel like being surrounded by people.   Grief is so unpredictable that there’s no sense in making plans.  How do I know how bad my heart will be hurting that day?  I don't know, but what I do know is I will continue to cherish this title of being a mother, and watching Alyssa's beautiful radiant smile keep glowing, because she makes my heart the happiest.

I love being a mother but it feels very different for me now,  I’ll never feel 100% complete, just 50% complete, because Addison is missing from the picture.  I want to feel the pain.  I need to feel the pain.  Others don’t understand, but I do.  I need to feel the raw pain of loss because when I do Addison becomes real to me again.  I want her to be real to me.

People say that with time the pain fades.  Maybe.  Maybe I just haven’t had enough time without Addy yet for the pain to begin to fade.  Maybe in 10 years or maybe never,  maybe approaching next Mother’s Day the pain won’t be squeezing me from every side.

A mother’s love never changes.  I love both my girls the same today as I did yesterday.  So this Mother's Day what will I do?  I will remember Addy with love, and I will make new memories with Alyssa.  I will continue to tell Alyssa how much I love her and how proud I am of her, each and everyday how she manages to put one foot in front of another as a grieving sister, she is my light and has never stopped shining bright, even through her most darkest days.  I will tell her how thankful I am that she is my daughter.   That’s what I’ll do on Mother’s Day.  I will pull memories of Addy close to my heart and hold her there forever. That’s exactly what I’ll do, I will celebrate being a Mother - because it has been my greatest gift.

A Spark of Life

Since Addy's passing of course we can't get enough of  pictures and video because that's all we have to look at now. And yes photos capture moments, but I wanted something that would capture her personality.  I really wanted a painting of her to come to life!  If you remember earlier on this journey I read a wonderful book called "My Kid Has Cancer: A Mother's Journey Through Childhood Cancer and Beyond" by Heather Job.   When I connected with Heather I learned she is an artist.  I asked Heather if she could please paint a picture of Addy, and she graciously said yes without hesitation and captured every single detail just perfectly.  From every stroke of hair, to every freckle and more.  I still am blown away on how she captured our daughter perfectly without even meeting her.  Pictures do not do this justice.  The little white dots are pixie dust, I told Heather in a previous conversation that in one of Addy's journals from Grade 1, she wanted to have pixie dust so she could fly.  Our hearts are so much lighter having Addy spirit come to life, and I can't stop staring and smiling at her.  Alyssa commented that she felt she could reach out and hug her I will forever be eternally grateful to Heather for this gift!

Team Addy Family Fun Day

This year our fundraiser in support of SickKids for sarcoma research will be on Addy's birthday July 8th at Centre Wellington District High School.  I can't think of a better way to honor Addy and celebrate her - she is so deserving of a worthy celebration, so it will be bigger and better than last year!!

For those of you who do not have social media, we are so excited to share that we have a new website for TEAM ADDY  www.teamaddy.ca where everyone can get updates, see pictures of last years events and so much more!

We have new merch to offer, Addy-tude inspired😍👟🏀 Her love for converse shoes and basketball.  We have been so fortunate to still be receiving all of the proceeds from "Wheat  + Sea Collective". They have been so incredibly generous with their time and hearts to continuous give towards our fundraising initiatives and because of them we have been able to give so much more for sarcoma research✨

Chamber announces nominees for 2023 Awards of Excellence

The Centre Wellington Chamber of Commerce (CWCC) has announced the nominees for this year’s Awards of Excellence, presented by OLG and the Township of Centre Wellington.  

Team Addy has been nominated in the category of  "Community Social Responsibility Award" - Such an honor to receive this nomination, and it's the army standing behind us that is deserving of all the recognition because without them there would be no Team Addy.

To everyone out there, a big thank you to all of you for continuing to wrap your arms around us.🧡