"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD.” - 1 Samuel 1:27-28

As long as she lived, Abigail was lent to the Lord. And what a testimony her little life was! Some of you have shared stories about you or others having conversations with your/their children about Abigail and babies like her who die. We also know several of you who live in other countries who have been praying for us.  There are so many people we don't know and may never meet that Abigail's short life has impacted. One of her doctors said it well, that her little 3 pound self made such a big impact on people's lives. The name Abigail means = My father's joy. She indeed is the joy of her father. Not just her earthly father, but her heavenly Father. Pray that Abigail would continue to be used by God. 

We are so thankful for our experience with Boston hospital. Everyone was so compassionate, thoughtful and kind. They took such good care of Abigail. 

I know it seems like a gap between our post from Monday the 26th when she was doing so well to Saturday, May 1 when she passed away. I'll get into more details now that we weren't able to post earlier. It was a whirlwind of a week! On Monday, they switched her to a breathing tube because she was doing well with her breathing at that point. However, over the next couple of days she had some episodes of not breathing well. She would recover on her own and just needed a little more oxygen and she would do well again. On Wednesday things were still looking good overall. There was a slight possibility that she could do well enough breathing that she might come home in the future. But, as we learned, things in the NICU can change very quickly. On Thursday night and Friday morning she had two episodes where the nurses had to rush in to help her with her breathing and overall she started trending downward. We got the call early Friday morning with the news that we should come to the hospital in preparation for Abigail's passing. The next few hours were a frenzy as we had to pack (as we might be there for a couple of days), coordinate Lionel going to a friend's house and then drive to Boston. 

The night before that I had been watching Abigail on the camera. This time, she looked lonely. Even though the nurses were compassionate it was clear Abigail wanted her mom and dad. She would always light up and be alert when she would hear our voices. It made me sad to see her in the NICU by herself and not be able to hold or comfort her. I prayed that God would either let us take her home or that He would take her home to be with Him. Throughout this journey we had prayed for wisdom about making hard choices and that God would make it known what we should do. He answered that prayer as we never had to make a hard choice, because of her condition, the choices were made for us. 

When we arrived in Boston, the doctor explained more about the trouble Abigail was having and we could see it on her face. She didn't look as well as the last time we saw her. She was again so excited that we were with her and it made my heart break. But I was glad to have her back in my arms again, even if for a short time. 

Our friends were gracious enough to drive the two hours in order to bring Lionel to meet Abigail before she passed. The hospital had a specialist who helped us make memories of him and her together. Lionel colored her a picture, did his hand print next to her foot print, sang to her and even hugged her. It was so special! 

After he left, we focused on the remaining time with her. I gave her a sponge bath and Michael rubbed her head. She loved head rubs from her dad! Her eyes would close and she would relax as he stroked her hair. She enjoyed being close to me and hearing my voice. We thought she would pass that night, but she kept fighting back. I held her throughout the night, expecting every episode of her not breathing to be her last, but she kept pulling through. She was a little fighter! Even the doctors were surprised. It seemed like she didn’t want to leave us.

We did evening and morning devotions with her. In the evening we read through Psalm 139 with her. In the morning we read the verse where Jesus says to let the little children come to him. We prayed over and with her. We listened to hymns with her. Sang to her. Saturday morning, the nurse on duty told us about a garden that was on top of the hospital building so we took her there. Abigail loved it! It seemed as though she didn't have trouble breathing while we were out there. She enjoyed the warm sun on her face and feeling the wind blow. There was a mother bird sitting on her eggs in the tree next to us. It was symbolic and comforting. 

We returned to the room for a break and had planned to take her back to the garden again but that’s when she started getting worse and it was clear that she was going to pass. So we began to sing to her and played hymns from our phone. We again talked to her, told her how much we loved her and would always remember her. Continued to stroke her head. She passed as the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" was playing and I could see joy and peace in her eyes. Even though we were prepared for her to pass quickly, God gave us a full 24 precious hours together. We held her almost the entire time without interruption. We will never forget that time we had together. 

There have been so many scripture verses that have comforted us throughout this process. Here are a few. When going through suffering sometimes people ask, "Where is God" as if He doesn't care or isn't mindful of us. But the real question is what Isaiah asked, "What is man that you are mindful of him?" How is it that the God who created the universe is mindful of us? We can forget that we live in a broken, sin-cursed world and that suffering is the normal part of that world. But God is merciful to us and carries us through our suffering. God has certainly been mindful of us! Throughout this process we have felt God's presence. He has walked with us even in the darkest hours. We can say with the Psalmist, "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes."  - Psalm 119:71-72  Also, in Job 42:5 he responds to God after tremendous suffering, "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." (ESV) Now that Job experienced suffering He didn't just hear about God, but he saw God. Suffering had led Job to experience God in a new, deeper way. We have definitely drawn closer to God through this. 

Another encouraging reminder is that it's good for us to weep over those who have died. John 11:35 is that famous verse, "Jesus wept". Nancy Guthrie points out that even though Jesus knew that he was about to resurrect Lazarus, and knowing that he was the resurrection and the life, he still wept over Lazarus' death because death wasn’t how it originally was supposed to be. Christ felt sorrow over the fact that there is death on the earth and we should too. We are filled with sorrow over the effects of sin in this world. Abigail's broken body reminds us of this. We wish we could hold her one more time, kiss her one more time, tell her how much we love her, one more time. But...the story doesn't end with her death.

"He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the LORD has spoken."  - Isaiah 25:8

"So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." John 16:22 

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

Because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross, Abigail is looking at the face of Christ now and one day we will join her in worshiping Christ!