Journal entry by Rebecca Peters —
Hello beloved family and friends - 6 months. It's been 6 months today since Aidan died. 184 days. 4,416 hours. 264,960 minutes. As of 6:10 p.m. this evening, 15,897,600 seconds since we lost him. Sometimes it feels more like 6 decades with the weight of my grief. Other times it feels like the blink of an eye. How are you all doing? I mean that. I know that most of you who are reading this knew Aidan - maybe having met him just a few times or having known him his whole life or somewhere in between - and loved him, so I truly do want to know. How are you?
As this day has approached, I've thought a lot about the last 6 months and my gut reaction is to say that it's been (pardon my language) shit. And in a lot of ways it has been. How can things NOT be shit when Aidan isn't here? I miss his voice, his laugh, his hands, his hugs, his saying "I love you so, so much." But as I was thinking about this post, I was also thinking about the last 6 months of Aidan's life. Even though I can point to specific very shitty - some might even say the shittiest - times, I can also see so many bright spots in those last months. The drives to and from Duke were some of my favorite times with him. We'd talk and sing and laugh and philosophize. Our Make a Wish trip and Senior Beach Week were phenomenal. Watching Aidan go to prom, play baseball, and graduate from high school created memories that sustain me in the darkest hours/minutes/seconds. So I can do the same with the last 6 months without him physically here, too. We've spent time with beloved family. We've had good meals and good laughs with friends. We've had holidays with our nieces, nephew, and cousins. It hasn't been all bad.
In a lot of ways, even though I was dreading this day because it's one of those "big" days, I'm relieved that January is over. To tell you the truth, January has always been a bit of a hard month for me. Since I was a wee little tot, I was aware that one of my cousins, whom my mother loved dearly, died on my 3rd birthday on January 10th. 25 years later, my mom died on my birthday. So January was always a little melancholy for me. But when I got pregnant with Aidan and realized he was due in January, I was overjoyed that he was going to make that month a bright spot again. But this January, for the first time in my whole life, I spent my birthday without my little brother, Bill, in the world. That was gut wrenching. And then Aidan would have been 19 on January 25th, which was even more brutal. So I'm OK with January passing, even if it means this milestone because it also means that we've survived the last 6 months when I really wasn't sure how that would be possible after we learned Aidan wasn't going to beat Ewing Sarcoma.
Baseball season is fast approaching and I have so many mixed feelings about it. We learned recently that the Charlottesville High School team will wear hats with "AP" embroidered on the side. I cried when I found out. What a beautiful tribute to the game and team Aidan loved so much. I've thought about going to some of their home games because we still have so many friends on the team and in the stands. The jury's still out on whether or not that will be therapeutic or painful, though. Maybe both. Maybe both are OK.
Some of our friends have also been helping us put together a fund to buy lights for the baseball field at Pen Park where Aidan played for Central Little League from when he was 5 years old until he aged out when he was 12. From the website linked below:
If you would like to contribute to that cause, or know any family or friends who love baseball, below is the link with more information and ways to give. Thank you in advance for helping us make Aidan's wish a reality.
https://www.centralll.com/Default.aspx?tabid=2754755&fbclid=IwAR2Tw0qamTJLk011xbcy4wElRuqDnkiX6FCMZD6F5LBOHzopt-cNycunoSc
For the last couple of weeks, I've been listening on repeat to Aidan's Spotify playlist he made for our long drives to Duke. He was such a cool, unique guy and his tastes were as eclectic as him. There are songs from the Mamas and the Papas and Fleetwood Mac to the Foo Fighters and Gorillaz. He certainly broadened my musical horizons. I can picture him in my mind's eye singing every song that comes on. I can see his hands drumming and conducting. I can see his dimples when he smiles while belting out the tune. I can see his shining eyes when he excitedly explains to me the words or the context behind the song or interesting facts about the artists. I'm so glad Aidan was well-rounded and interested in multitudes of things. I'm so glad we had those drives together.
For Aidan's birthday last week, Adam, Fiona and I went to see Soul in the theater. (It was only showing for about a week as a special re-release.) Aidan loved that movie but Adam and I had never seen it, and we thought it was serendipitous that the last showing was on his birthday, so off we went. If you know what it's about, you might think we were crazy for seeing a movie about a guy who dies in the beginning. But the movie isn't about dying, it's about living. The very last line was, I think, a gift from Aidan to us on that day and a reminder to all of us. When the main character is asked how he's going to spend his life, Joe responds, "I'm not sure. But I DO know I'm going to live every minute of it."
So thank you for loving us through this journey. Thank you for living every minute of the last 6 months and the last 2+ years with us. I know none of us wanted to be in this place, but I'm comforted knowing that we're not alone in it. We are so grateful for all of you. Becca
As this day has approached, I've thought a lot about the last 6 months and my gut reaction is to say that it's been (pardon my language) shit. And in a lot of ways it has been. How can things NOT be shit when Aidan isn't here? I miss his voice, his laugh, his hands, his hugs, his saying "I love you so, so much." But as I was thinking about this post, I was also thinking about the last 6 months of Aidan's life. Even though I can point to specific very shitty - some might even say the shittiest - times, I can also see so many bright spots in those last months. The drives to and from Duke were some of my favorite times with him. We'd talk and sing and laugh and philosophize. Our Make a Wish trip and Senior Beach Week were phenomenal. Watching Aidan go to prom, play baseball, and graduate from high school created memories that sustain me in the darkest hours/minutes/seconds. So I can do the same with the last 6 months without him physically here, too. We've spent time with beloved family. We've had good meals and good laughs with friends. We've had holidays with our nieces, nephew, and cousins. It hasn't been all bad.
In a lot of ways, even though I was dreading this day because it's one of those "big" days, I'm relieved that January is over. To tell you the truth, January has always been a bit of a hard month for me. Since I was a wee little tot, I was aware that one of my cousins, whom my mother loved dearly, died on my 3rd birthday on January 10th. 25 years later, my mom died on my birthday. So January was always a little melancholy for me. But when I got pregnant with Aidan and realized he was due in January, I was overjoyed that he was going to make that month a bright spot again. But this January, for the first time in my whole life, I spent my birthday without my little brother, Bill, in the world. That was gut wrenching. And then Aidan would have been 19 on January 25th, which was even more brutal. So I'm OK with January passing, even if it means this milestone because it also means that we've survived the last 6 months when I really wasn't sure how that would be possible after we learned Aidan wasn't going to beat Ewing Sarcoma.
Baseball season is fast approaching and I have so many mixed feelings about it. We learned recently that the Charlottesville High School team will wear hats with "AP" embroidered on the side. I cried when I found out. What a beautiful tribute to the game and team Aidan loved so much. I've thought about going to some of their home games because we still have so many friends on the team and in the stands. The jury's still out on whether or not that will be therapeutic or painful, though. Maybe both. Maybe both are OK.
Some of our friends have also been helping us put together a fund to buy lights for the baseball field at Pen Park where Aidan played for Central Little League from when he was 5 years old until he aged out when he was 12. From the website linked below:
"Aidan never forgot his baseball roots at Central Little League. He loved to go out to the field in the off season and throw and hit with his dad. The field at Pen Park was a second home to Aidan. He knew from experience that Central Little League had a desperate need for lights and the added practice and game time they would facilitate, so he made it his final wish that funds be raised in his memory to acquire them so even more kids would learn to love the game of baseball as much as Aidan did."
If you would like to contribute to that cause, or know any family or friends who love baseball, below is the link with more information and ways to give. Thank you in advance for helping us make Aidan's wish a reality.
https://www.centralll.com/Default.aspx?tabid=2754755&fbclid=IwAR2Tw0qamTJLk011xbcy4wElRuqDnkiX6FCMZD6F5LBOHzopt-cNycunoSc
For the last couple of weeks, I've been listening on repeat to Aidan's Spotify playlist he made for our long drives to Duke. He was such a cool, unique guy and his tastes were as eclectic as him. There are songs from the Mamas and the Papas and Fleetwood Mac to the Foo Fighters and Gorillaz. He certainly broadened my musical horizons. I can picture him in my mind's eye singing every song that comes on. I can see his hands drumming and conducting. I can see his dimples when he smiles while belting out the tune. I can see his shining eyes when he excitedly explains to me the words or the context behind the song or interesting facts about the artists. I'm so glad Aidan was well-rounded and interested in multitudes of things. I'm so glad we had those drives together.
For Aidan's birthday last week, Adam, Fiona and I went to see Soul in the theater. (It was only showing for about a week as a special re-release.) Aidan loved that movie but Adam and I had never seen it, and we thought it was serendipitous that the last showing was on his birthday, so off we went. If you know what it's about, you might think we were crazy for seeing a movie about a guy who dies in the beginning. But the movie isn't about dying, it's about living. The very last line was, I think, a gift from Aidan to us on that day and a reminder to all of us. When the main character is asked how he's going to spend his life, Joe responds, "I'm not sure. But I DO know I'm going to live every minute of it."
So thank you for loving us through this journey. Thank you for living every minute of the last 6 months and the last 2+ years with us. I know none of us wanted to be in this place, but I'm comforted knowing that we're not alone in it. We are so grateful for all of you. Becca
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