8 Things You Should Never Say to Patients or Caregivers

“Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.”
Then months and months go by and crickets, no one comes around. Being terminally ill and the caregiver for someone who is terminally ill is lonely.

Or the standard every day question from friends and family, “How are you?”
If you reply with any thing other than “fine”, no one wants to hear it and the subject changes.

I have come to realize that people don’t really want to know how you are. Asking how you are doing is like saying “Hello” or “Good morning”.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – that’s not so bad you know. The others are all offensive, but I don’t see the offense in this.

HI,YOU PROBLABLY DON,T KNOW ME–RUTH & I HAVE KNOWN CONNIE & DAVID FOR MAYBE 56 YRS. HE WAS OUR PASTOR @ OLIVET LUTHERAN CHURCH…CONNIE CALLED US JUST B4 THEY LEFT FOR THE TWIN CITIES .YOU ARE ON PRAYER LIST….WE HOPE THE BEST FOR YOU….STEVE & RUTH KELNER–TREMPEALEAU,WI. ON THE MISSISSIPPI NORTH OF LACROSSE !

Hi Kirby, one of the old BA crew here just wanting to let you know you crossed my mind today. The last time we crossed paths I believe was in London at a disaster preparedness meeting many moons ago. I don’t remember the year but I certainly remember your sense of humor and your ease with everyone and how much you were respected. You are in my thoughts & prayers today.

Hey Wendy Anne and I are here in Florida it’s a beautiful day and we were thinking of you.
Best
Kevin & Anne

My full-term daughter died of an unsuspected heart defect the night we brought her home. I had contracted bronchitis while in the hospital and went back for a follow-up visit a few days after my daughter died. I still remember the doc asking me if I were experiencing post-partum depression! Needless to say, I was stunned. When I was able to speak, I replied angrily, “How can I tell the difference between post-partum and post-mortem depression?!?”

I agree with all of these as well and use them every day with my 30-year old oldest daughter of 7 kids. She is yet again in the hospital! This is her 8th or 9th time and obviously something isn’t right about the treatments she is receiving. So I went through all of her old papers and found a diagnosis that I wasn’t aware of so I wanted to share this with her current social worker and she actually told me to be quiet! WOW! She wanted to get through whatever it was she was going through… well, I stopped listening to her at “be quiet”! That was it for me and her …. My ex-husband told her supervisor that she was extremely rude and wouldn’t let us talk at all during family meeting of all the times that she had arraigned! So I will not co-operate with her and I will request that my daughter get another social worker because yesterday this same woman left a message to my phone requesting that I bring my daughter’s disability card with her social security payments on it, so she can deposit my daughter to some motel!!!? She isn’t my daughter’s case worker or the state’s social worker, only a social worker from the hospital she has been in for the past 3-4 weeks. Yesterday my daughter was crying on the phone and being still suicidal and way worse than when she went into the hospital, so I am not sure what they are doing to her and I am really worried. Normally, she is very sweet and nice temperament when she isn’t like this. These hospital’s insist she has schizophrenia but an earlier therapist had diagnosed her as having a borderline personality disorder from trauma and a treatment for these 2 things are totally different! She has never received any psychotherapy for the trauma that happened to her just before she got sick and she has been getting sicker and sicker ever since no matter what anti psychotics they feed her, none of them have any effects on her, so you’d think some of them would start to think something is wrong?

When someone says to a patient: ” Well, if you think that your situation is bad, let me tell you about what I (or my sister, etc.) had to go through! And then goes on to tell a long story about themselves, showing GREAT insensitivity, while thinking that it will make the patient glad that they didn’t have to go through THAT! Aren’t they lucky! JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT!

Hopefully your thoughtful words will be heeded by many.

She’s in a better place now.

I have arthritis. I go to the doctor in a great deal of pain, they take an X-ray. Then the doctor says “It’s only arthritis!” ONLY??? Really. Arthritis hurts. I think that is the MOST minimizing thing anyone can say. “It’s only . . . . . . . ” belittles what a person is feeling.

A couple of weeks ago, I received biopsy results saying I have breast cancer. I immediately shared with close friends. Everyone has given me comforting responses except one who said “Oh My, What Stage is it?” I’m trying to sort why this upset me. None of my doctors have said anything about stages and I’m not sure that I would want to share if they had. Am I being too sensitive?

Very happy to hear you are doing well and improving. God’s blessings to you every day.

Do not try to take their grief away Do not deny their feelings !LISTEN … Give a hug, or hold their hand .its ok to cry together if that’s what’s happening…This is a process each person goes through a day at a time.. Offer your help if they may need anything done ,, cook a meal, groceries, pick up anything on the way to town. Keep in touch, BUT give space ?

After I lost my 17 year old grandson 9 months ago it is so difficult and painful to answer How are you doing?, or worse, how is your daughter doing?

I lost my beloved son 3 1/2 years ago. He was disabled but lived a full and happy life. He was a college student.One of the worst things I heard was “Now he is free”.I wanted to scream “But, he is dead! He is not here with me! He wanted to live the way he was!

How about something like… I am so sorry you’re going through this.

“Call me whenever you need a break.” No not today, I didn’t mean now. Or tomorrow , I have to get my hair dyed. You should come. Oh you can’t? You really need to take care of you. You really have to learn to accept help. Why are you isolating? That’s not healthy. I’ll help but not this week; I’m soooo busy you know I have to get ready for my vacation. I have half an hour next Thursday. Oh that’s when you take her to PT? Oh can’t you accommodate me and reschedule it? I’m trying to help I want to see you. You need to accept help you know. Not to upset you or anything but it is kind of selfish to make this all about you.

I am currently taking care of my mother who currently has dementia and is in bed 24/7. When she was younger a doctor told her to “think pretty thoughts”! Mother stood up and kneed him in a “tender area”. She then told him to “think pretty thoughts” and left. Mother is the 6th person I have been the caregiver for. Being I was “just a housewife” it was assumed by the family that I had time to care for whoever was sick. So much for my degree in Early Childhood Education and my medical ASL interpreting. My husband and I agreed I would stay home and raise our children until they graduated high school. Our last graduated in 2007, my husband died in 2004 after battling pancreatitis for 20 years. Surprise! I went from Mommy to monarch in 2 days! He came home from work said he didn’t feel well, went to bed, collapsed and was gone 2 days later. He was 49.The worse comments I can think of came from my cousins to my grandmother about 2 days before she passed. They had not seen her or talked to her in years but flew in from another state to visit when the end was near. They did not come in with “Hi” or “so nice to see you”, they walked through the door and said “Grandma, We are so sorry you are dying.” My grandmother turned her head away from them and just shook it.My daughter, who suffers from PTSD, is the only help I have with Mother. We tag team caring for her, she does morning and early afternoon, I do noon to dawn. I would love to hear anything from my niece and nephews or their parents. We see them 2-3 times a year for an hour or 2. They live approx. 40 minutes from us. I do get word when they are playing sports near us but no one stops by to say hello or see Grandma.

Love you Tony stay in the race you can do this We have you ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

My sister and aunt feel I should “broaden my shoulders ” and not “side against ” my elderly mother who has dementia and depression symptoms. She is in my care currently…24/7. Siblings are too busy to help with day to day care. I’m a wife, mother, and grandmother and I want to spend time with my family away from my mother. Tired of people trying to make me feel guilty for things they wont do themselves!

The warrior comment – not good to assume everyone is in the same place using warrior language. Personally, I find it quite offensive and lacking in understanding of how violence is not recognized in our most basic communications.

Hang in there….really…hanging by a thread caring for another. Love them so much but exhausting.

Don’t ask how are you? They don’t know how they are. They are just taking life minute by minute. Instead try we’ll get through this together

WOW I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE WAY WE FEEL ONE DAU I WOKE UP AND MY ENTIRE BODY WAS FROZEN WITH EXCRUCIATING PAIN. THE CAUSE
..SEVERE RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS IN 95%ALL JOINTS RAVESH ED A LIFETIME OF PAIN. FOLLWED BY A SERIES OF LIFE TJHREATING SURGURYS NEEDLESS TO SAY IT WAS DEVASTATING.. I.WAS 23 IM 56 NOW REMAIN STRONG

Hi there Sherry. Want you to know we are thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and healing energy your way. If there is anything you need please do not hesitate to ask. Love you,
Joe and Sua

Been caring for my wife Mary for seven years (Altzeimers) and received great moral support from most, but had the most difficulty with my 45 year old daughter. She either managed to make me feel as though I was exaggerating the symptoms or would divert the conversation away to someone she knew that had similar or worse symptoms. I put it down to denial as I know she thinks the world of her Mum. It became so bad that I refused to discuss the issues with Mary unless she specifically asked.
She is unable to give any help and visits about once a month. It has improved, but I am still hesitant to discuss Mary with her. Your advice on “What NOT to say was so true” Thank you

how to deal with a resident services at an assisted living facility who dismisses my problems by saying I am wrong and no time to. talk and dismisses me leaving me more upset than. before I expressed complaint

I’m sorry for your loss

I know this web site offers quality based articles and additional data, is there any other web page which presents these kinds of things in quality?|

the worst thing I heard during my cancer battle, and now with my husbands cancer battle is [you sure don’t look like you have cancer, and my husbands is terminal and people say it will go away and you’ll feel better soon are they Freaking stupid ?]

Through my journey, I felt treated differently than other people with cancer. Some people, including medical volunteers, asked me if I smoked. I remember the first time someone asked me that question. I had already been carrying the guilt but had no one to talk to about it. I did smoke. For thirty years, off an on, throughout my life.
I already felt responsible for my cancer. I was embarrassed to tell people I had lung cancer, because I knew the question was coming – Did you smoke? I almost felt as if I deserved my cancer. However, with time acceptance, and research, I learned everybody deserves a cure, treatment, and compassion, regardless of their smoking history.
The pivotal moment for me was during an appointment for testing. I arrived at the hospital. I was walking from the reception area of the hospital to the scan area. It was pretty challenging walking, it was difficult to breathe. The volunteer escorting me was a darling (young spirited) older man whom engaged in conversation with me. He asked me, “did you smoke”? I just stopped. I took a small break and continued following behind him. I finally replied, “does it matter”? He stopped. We looked at each other, and he said, very lovingly, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think about what I was asking.” He continued, “no one deserves to have cancer, whether you smoked or not”. “I learned something today. I learned to never ask that question, ever again.” It was a teachable moment for both of us.
I learned not to be ashamed to say, “I have lung cancer”.

My sister in law responded to my husband and I,after he told her I have breast cancer, well you already hated you’re hair anyway.

“You must have a sense of freedom now”. or “What are you going to do now?” or “You’ve had a lot of stress and you need to get away and have a break. Have a holiday.” I sold my home and moved in to the family home to care for my aging mother 10 years ago. As her health began to decline 5 years ago I gave up my job to become her full time caregiver. She developed myeodysplastic syndrome and had a bad heart. But for all that her mind never declined and so between blood transfusions when she was feeling well she loved going for drives, going to a restaurant for lunch or dinner and lots of other stuff. Caregiving for an elderly parent isn’t always easy but the good times certainly outweigh the bad. She hated having to go into hospital as these got more frequent and I could see her frustration and fear as she slowly declined and her transfusions became closer between each other till they no longer worked for her. She passed away a month today. No. I don’t have a sense of freedom. I can’t get past this feeling that I have to go and get her from hospital or from the end of one of her transfusions. Or that I need to visit her with some item I’ve packed to bring to her. Or at night making a meal for her that she would like as she had got fussy with food. Or warming her clothes in front of the heater and helping her dress quickly so she stays warm as she felt the cold. Or making sure her favourite warm clothing was washed and dried. Shopping and washing and meal making is strange. I look at two empty spots. Hers and my small elderly dog who died only a few months before her. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. The family home will be sold in a few months. I don’t know where I will be. Not in this expensive city. I’m nearly 59 and have my own health problems and am on a waiting list to see an orthopedic surgeon. So I have gone off the small amount the govt has given me as caregiver to less money on a sickness benefit. So now I have a growing fear and uncertainty about my future. Going on a holiday? Can’t see how that’s going to help. And as for a sense of freedom? What a thing to say. I miss her like crazy. I was both caregiver and daughter and for a long time. People don’t realize the bond that forms. I don’t know how to move on from that caregiving structure toward an unknown future. I live in NZ.

Don’t cry. You have to be strong for your family.

“I know just how you feel. I went through that with my mother/father.” Caregiving for a life partner is not in the same universe with caring for a parent. Both represent major loss, but losing a life partner means the loss of a support system, physical and emotional. Better to say, “I know this is hard. Can I help with ______ (running errands, babysitting, getting groceries, etc.) And please don’t bring me a casserole!

Julie and Tom, Both of you have such strong Faith and are such an inspiration to all us. Mel and I love you dearly and we are looking forward to Julie getting better and getting the transplant. We remember both of you with our daily rosary. Looking forward to Julie getting back home.

“Your hair will grow back” was something I didn’t appreciate hearing when I lost my long hair to chemo, knowing that it would take years before I would look (and feel) like myself again. I appreciated when someone would say “you inspire me.”

Love you and am praying for you throughout the day!

A friend from Midwest of 50 years plus who is a Christian and prays for me and who I thought was a dear close friend comes to the East Coast for several days. Arrives the day after my husbands Memorial and makes NO effort to come see me as I suffer. My husband died after a year long battle with an aggressive brain tumor She continues to call I am not in the state of mind to tell her how I feel. So sad and hypocritical.

“It’s because of all of those pesticides and gmo foods that they got cancer. If they were on a clean raw vegan diet they wouldn’t have to go thru chemo, and they probably wouldn’t have gotten cancer in the first place.” This completely minimizes the patient and the family’s pain, places blame on the individual and environment saying that the cancer could’ve been avoided if such and such happened. F that. Cancer is still a mystery. It’s genetic as much as and maybe if not more than environmental. It’s a superior way of thinking, implicitly judgmental, saying avoiding it was completely in the persons control. Or that if you don’t undergo chemo that you’re better off. Or that bad thoughts/bad eating/bad environment got you there. Any of that might be true, and yet there’s no proof!!! And it is hurtful and harmful to say these things to patients and their families. Unless they are absolutely receptive to this, don’t go on a soap box touting your cleaner healthier lifestyle as being an answer. A friend told me this—“my friend’s mom has pancreatic cancer and she is in remission after a raw vegan diet.” She was in remission for a month. And died two months later. My dad was in remission for 10 months. He followed a different protocol. Please do not say these things. Off an alternative only if people are receptive, and if they aren’t, shut the f up.

When my husband died, my friend thoughtlessly said, “everyone has problems.” What would have comforted me would be…”I’m so sorry! I’m here for you!” Instead I felt shut off, like she didn’t want to hear anymore.

He’s been lost-not he died.

How about I’m worried you are getting bitter! From one who travels the world. Than she calls my best friend and repeats this quote. She did this at a lovely restaurant we were having lunch at. She also told me I had a small group of friends and that was my world. She is no longer my friend! I take my day as it comes getting through each issue one at a time.

Having endured two different types of malignant cancer, the one thing I learned was how valuable laughter is. When I am asked what helped me through all the surgeries, radiation and chemo, I tell them I tried to find something to laugh at everyday. I disagree about positivity – a positive attitude makes you feel stronger. Believe me, the first time I was diagnosed, I was ready to check out. My family pressured me to try for as long as I could. I did and amazingly, I found I was so much stronger than I ever new. What works for some may not work for others. Know your audience!

They’re in a better place.

While it’s very nice that someone sends a card with the death of a loved one, I don’t like it when someone says “I know what you’re going through” unless they have gone through it themselves. I personally would rather have a comforting Bible verse. I also make my own cards so I can express my own personal thoughts. Thought this was a really good article. Gives me new and different ways to express sympathies and love. Thank you.

My daughter had at least six miscarriages and was taking hormone shots and lots of meds. I was so upset and a friend said to me, “ Not everyone is meant to have children,” with a smile on her face. I will never forget that.

People often put their own religious beliefs in their “comforting” comments…”She’s in a much better place” or “soon she’ll be on the right hand of God”… Rather than be offended by such comments at a time of stress or loss, I tried to think they were saying to ME what would comfort them, and just appreciate them for going to the trouble of reaching out and caring. Don’t ever be paralyzed by fear that you’ll say the “wrong” thing.

Only about three weeks after losing my husband, a friend and her husband wanted me to have dinner with them. About a third of the way through the evening she blurted out: “So, what’s your plan?” All I could think to say was: “I have no plan.” It was an exceptionally crude and ill-timed remark and I have never forgotten the affect nor have I ever felt the same about my friend.

If you haven’t been there it is difficult to know what to say. Everyone’s journey is different. Speaking as a survivor just send love and support. A positive note in the mail, a home cooked meal or offer to clean or9 walk the dog or do some laundry.. A quick visit is welcome but long ones are tiring and sometimes the patient feels that they have to “be on top” and smiling when all they want to do is sleep.

“My goodness, girl, you are SO thin — you need to put on some weight!”

Couldn’t they just say, “That dress is so becoming! I love the color on you.”
(This works for everyone who has lost OR gained weight. It’s not as if they aren’t already aware of it!)

I’ve got a son whom is quadriplegic with Cerebral Palsy. My own sister told me “well atleast you’ll always have a baby.” I will never, ever forget that statement. And it’s been 40 years. And yes, I’m still caring for him. Fulltime, alone.

“When I went through this very same thing, I (fill in the blank–prayed, exercised, whatever) and you SHOULD too.
“Should” should never be used. Comparing your experience without prompting isn’t okay either.

Oh well. Life goes on. Don’t be miserable. Words spoken to me following the recent sudden death of my husband.

You’ve got this! And it could be worse! Both grind my teeth.

When my 14 year old daughter had cancer a friend knew my husband’s mom and dad died of cancer and said, “I almost didn’t marry my husband because of the cancer genes in his family.”
Thank goodness our doctor had educated us and said they don’t know what causes her cancer and I educated my friend!

Just keep smiling. Life goes on. Eat quality foods not quantity. Said to me by a shop assistant yesterday in response to my comment that my husband died 2 months ago and I am losing weight through stress. How heartless can a stranger be?

“What’s on your bucket list?” hints that YOU may kick the bucket sooner than planned. It also puts an emphasis on future plans at a time when the future may revolve around more medical procedures, tests, waiting periods.

Offer to help with the immediate “to do” instead.

This post seems to focus on the difficulty we all have with not being perfect. When awful, painful circumstance happen- of course, no one knows what to say. When I was going through cancer treatment- I tried to enjoy the love I felt from family and friends- even ones who said ridiculous things.

My husband had a major stroke three years ago. He does well in many ways, as it left him able to remember everything from before the stroke. However, he has difficulty with “executive function”, which amounts to all the things we do and say every day and don’t think anything of it. So when we say he has trouble with his computer and can’t really use it – they say “Boy, me too .” Well, no, they can still ultimately do what they want to do – he can’t! He also sleeps a lot which is very limiting – so people say “sure wish I could do that” – so I sometimes say, “no, you don’t, you’d miss half of your days.”

Call me if you want any help. Then when ask for help it’s sorry busy with the family, work or on holiday and you have to go back into your dark deep depression hole.

“I know exactly what you are going through.”
Um, no you don’t. You aren’t me

I had a post knee surgery nurse come into my room and stand there with her arms folded and say,”I think you need some tough love”. The fact that I was in excruciating pain meant nothing to her. no compassion, nothing. I hope someone, someday shows her the compassion and mercy she failed to show me.

When your mother tells you your father would still be alive if it wasn’t for you, I was only 19 at the time and just came home from the service (Navy) 1973. ?

Do not talk about people who died of the same disease the ill person has!

My wife passed away in July, 2018. We were married 62 1/2 years. We did everything together, she was my best friend. I am no longer a couple and so many things married couples do is to get together with other couples, out to eat, an evening of games, take a trip or cruise, sit together in church, go to plays, etc. I am now the third or fifth wheel. When together I am always aware of the empty chair or sitting in the back seat of the car alone. After church we used to always go out for lunch with other couples, now I drive home alone and eat alone. One of the best things others can do for a widow or widower is to be sure they are included in going places, being invited to their homes for dinner or dessert, or to a play, concert or other special events. An empty house is very lonesome. Even a telephone call is helpful. I have been getting together with others whose spouses have passed away to encourage and to be encouraged. Great help. Words that I wish people wouldn’t say: How are you doing? Most who say this do so because they don’t know what else to say. Unless they are really close fiends who really care the others could care less. Don’t use take aways. Example: Ï’m so sorry over _________ passing away. And then begin to tell you about their mother’s death. Don’t say I’ll pray for and then forget to do it. Be sincere. Maybe to offer to pray right then. Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased. I want others to remember my wife. Don’t say we need to have over and then forget to follow up. Don’t say you lost a special person. I really loved her. When while she was living the speaker seldom initiated time together. Don’t say, Ï don’t know what to say.” If that is the case don’t say anything. If you say this at least say I am so sorry.

When someone says “we’re all going to die of something. I could be walking across the street and hit by a car!” Ok, so that somehow made my life threatening diagnosis somewhat easier to take!

Thank you for sharing this. When my granddaughter passed I wanted to scream when people kept telling me that she was in a better place. In my understanding, our Erin wanted more than anything to be with us. It felt cruel and patronizing.

Closure. I hate that word when it’s used regarding a loved one. As time goes on you’ll have closure regarding your mother. As if you can wipe out all memories with your loved one. Wrong.

The worst thing I kept hearing 20 years ago was, “We know that in all things GOD works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28). We..my wife and I…heard this many times in the months after we found that our third child…unborn at 20 weeks gestation… had a terminal birth defect anencephaly — the absence of the brain.
The passage Isaiah 41:10 is much better…”So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” this was shared with us within a week after we were given the news by the doctors…. and was utilized for Christopher’s funeral text.

When your spouse has dementia and someone says “At least you still have them with you “
No, you don’t!

I was TEXTED by a historical friend, but realized she changed and became an up to date BULLY: her text was “ So, are you bald yet?”

At least it’s not cancer was said to me by a orthopedic doctor here in Tulsa that I trusted! Dr Richard Drake. Needless to say, I’m searching for a more sensitive and trusting doctor. Will never forget when he said it to me!

When I told a friend that my husband and I were infertile, she commiserated a couple of minutes and then bluntly said, “Oh well. Enough said.” All my hopes and dreams had ended. And now I’m old and have no family.

disagree with # 7. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Leaves the bereaved the opportunity to speak, or not.

Unhelpful, “do your chemo & move on, you have to think positive”. Rather say “ my thoughts are with you as you go through chemo , let me know if there is anything I can do to make it easier for you “

You should be glad you’ve had as many good years together, a lot of people never have.

It could always be worse.

Remember to count your blessings.

“I know exactly how you feel. “ No you really don’t. Every person and situation is unique. This also tends to switch the focus off of the patient or caregivers situation to your own. Instead….. “I’m so sorry you are going through this. I love you and am here for you 24/7.”

“What stage is it”? Does it matter? It doesn’t. Instead, how about, I’m sorry, I’m here for you.
“So you’ll be fine, right”? Just don’t say that. It’s not supportive at all. That question is about you wanting me to be fine. You’re uncomfortable with my illness and you need to minimize it to feel better.
Or, “I don’t know how you do it”. I hope you never find out. But you know what? You would do the same thing in my shoes because you would chose life and health too.

Fred & cricket, The priest contacted me yesterday and told me to back off my praying a little as god is a little overwhelmed with all my request, but assured me you & cricket are on the top of the list. think about you guys everyday and love. cousin al

CaringBridge is a great idea. We can know about our friend/loved one without being intrusive and we can send out love and support via CareBridge’s comment section. Thank you so very much for making this great tool available.
Melissa, we love and appreciate your dairying and keeping us informed.
Anne, we love you and think about you often. We think of your many talents – especially when you made the wonderful Norwegian cookie tower when we had a Norwegian dinner in our little dinner group. That was amazing and added so much to the evening and it’s theme.
Love you,
Dick and Marcia

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“We’re all going to die sometime.”
(Yes, someone actually said this to me about my very sick sister.)

“You need to get yourself a real job.” My father kept saying to me after I got in a car accident once. Okay, so I know I needed a better job at the time, and I fortunately wasn’t physically injured in that accident, but telling me I need to get a better job is actually more harmful than helpful, because I was trying to deal with the trauma of being in an accident. The truth is a better job may not be readily available immediately and you shouldn’t encourage your loved one to hastily jump into something he or she doesn’t think he or she would be happy at. Your loved one who got in an accident still needs time to grieve. Then when he or she is emotionally ready, he or she can look for suitable employment. Otherwise trying to fix your loved one’s situation like that is like trying to tell someone with depression to just snap out of it. But it doesn’t work that way.

She’s in a better place now! Someone said that to me when my sister died twenty years ago. I know they were trying to be helpful, but it isn’t helpful at all!

I agree with Renee Jarde…Today I spent the day trying to find ways around what stresses me only to be judged by my mother saying when I am down it is hard on my brother and her. I was not down just a bit overwhelmed apparently speaking up gets them upset because I may stop doing what I am doing and he would have to stepup. he sleeps all day I am not allowed to say anything that seems judgmental when its just a fact. hes quit his job a third time and I feel tapped living here. But God does not give more than. I am going to keep my mouth shut but I am also going to find something of a plan for me.

If a person knows me personally, I hate it when he/she says “I’m sorry for your loss.” I didn’t lose a wallet, a phone…I lost my son. If you know my son’s name, say it. For example, “I’m so sorry about Franky, etc.”
Or how about “God wanted another angel in Heaven.” Don’t get me wrong. I am a Christian. I’ve been in church all of my life. I believe God does things for a reason. And I have suffered the loss of a child. But I don’t believe that God, with all the people living in Heaven already, would take my child because He needed another Angel in Heaven.

When someone loses a child and the say “he/she was my ONLY child”. It’s not like that those of us with more than one child would say, “I hate it that he/she died, but I do have another one”. It’s the most ignorant statement ever.

I was shocked at things people said when my mom died. Like, well, at least she went fast..it’s better that way.
Well,now you can get on with your life now that you don’t have to care for your mom…like my life would ever be the same without her.
It could be worse-Really???
It was not meant to be..
Everyone dies it’s a part of life so you need to only think of the good times and move on. This was only have hours of her passing…
Don’t cry. Tears won’t bring her back she’d want you to be happy and smiling. Can I at least have her funeral first?
I wish I could say these we’re just a few of them but the list was long and shocking. The best part however is that now I know what not to say and do since I have been on the receiving end of it.

It could be worse! My father says this all the time and it always rubs me the wrong way. It minimizes the situation and stomps on my feelings. I’d love to hear him say something like “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be hard.” Validates my feelings.

“I know just how you feel.” No person knows just how another person feels. This comment is usually followed by their own hard luck story, taking focus off the person you are supposedly trying to comfort. Someone actually had the nerve to say they understood exactly what I felt when I was widowed, because they had lost their dog. I don’t deny that the loss if a pet is painful, but don’t tell me me you equal this with the loss of my best friend and husband of 36 years. Instead, say, “I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I’m available to listen when you feel like talking about your feelings.”

“Take care of yourself “ is the hardest thing to hear. I want to say that I will if you come and stay with my______ so I can take care of me

My 95 year old father has a 45 year old female “caregiver”. He has given her thousands of dollars to take care of her daughters teeth! and she has his car to drive around in (with his permission) and has put her on his insurance. She doesn’t own a car of her own. He thinks he’s in love with her, and has asked her to marry him several times. He has given her his bank debit card. My older sister is the executor or his estate, but she does nothing, including watching his bank account. I believe my father has some dementia, and he has broken his ankle and is in a re-hab place. He denies things he has said, and repeats himself. Is there anything I can do. I feel she is taking advantage of him.

My experience with loss: some people are unintentionally hurtful by their comments or worse, no expressions at all. I cringe at my own inane attempts at consolations and only hope people will forgive my feeble comments as I forgive others. It’s a rare gift when someone is able to convey the right message at the right moment to one who is suffering. I continue to pray that I can learn that gift!

My Mother-In-Law said to me, after the stillbirth of our son, (32 weeks), “At least you still have two healthy children,” like my stillborn son didn’t matter. I wanted to throw the hospital phone across the room, I was so angry!

Thinking of you and Anne, You both are in my prayers every day. Best of LUCK to you. LOVE Barb and Al. ♥♥

I’m a beginner caregiver… my biggest pet peeves are: “just put her in a home”, “just take her bank accounts away”, “just do this…”

NO!! She is independent and will not be happy. She will lose her dignity. I do not feel she is ready to be just “thrown in a home”. I’m still trying to figure things out in my own way. Seeking advice from trusted sources. For me, this is a process and I’m only at the point of evaluating everything and figuring out what is BEST for her (all while working a full time job) .

The one suggesting this has not faced this and is quick to give his opinion on the situation without understanding the feelings of the one being cared for. His parents have everything planned. Whereas, my mom does not.

“If anyone can beat cancer, he/she can.” I realize the person saying this is trying to be positive. Unfortunately, it implies that cancer can always be beaten if you’re strong enough and try hard enough, and anyone who wasn’t able to beat their cancer has failed.

To our son Danny jr, Julie, Caitlin and Danny A.
We have you in our thoughts and prayers, you’re a warrior, but we’re always here to lean on if you need us, we’re together in this journey. We’re so proud of you how you’ve been handling this difficult time, and you’re loved.

As a caregiver, I just so appreciate unsolicited medical advise. NOT! sometimes I just want to scream. You don’t know our situation, what we are going through, and what real medical people are telling us. Back off

I’m afraid there is a lot in these posts that are rather confusing. Obviously, some people react to certain words of “comfort” completely different than others. For instance, I remember being told, many years ago, “Never say ‘I know how you feel’. Always say, ‘I understand’ instead.” Yet here, I keep seeing people say,” Never say’ I understand'”. “I understand” is simply a way people are trying to tell you they “understand” you are going through a very difficult situation or circumstance. It does not mean they know how you feel.
As far as speaking with one who have recently lost a loved one, the most common complaint that I hear is that people are afraid to ask them how they are doing. Some times they WANT to talk about their recent loss, and having those around them “tip toeing”, fearful of saying anything, can be very hurtful. As if nothing has happened, and their loved one was not important enough for others to remember. When I am talking to someone who has recently suffered a loss, I wait until there is an appropriate time to just ask, “So how are YOU doing?’ I let them set the stage for the rest of the conversation. If they want to talk about their loved one, I listen. If they want to talk about something else, off we go. Having lost more then my fair share of close friends and loved ones, the way I respond to someone asking about how I am differs, literally, from day to day.
Many people in desperate circumstances, be that their own health crisis or dealing with a loved one’s, actually do find comfort when reminded there is a God, and He knows everything that is happening to them. Thinking that life is pointless, that their suffering is for nothing, and there is no order in the “Universe” can plunge those who are already suffering into a very dark place. When reminded that not only God, but other like believers, love them despite what they feel life has dealt them, it can be like a light at the end of the tunnel. After all, if you see a house on fire at 3 o’clock in the morning , are you going to go pound on the door and do whatever you can to wake any possible inhabitants? Or are you going to just pass on by, fearful you might annoy the people inside for waking them up in the middle of the night? Those of us who believe in God have a responsibility to NOT ignore those who could be perishing. Not just physically but spiritually as well. To say, “Do not offer the gift of eternal life to a person who could be dying. That’s so insensitive!”, is actually kind of ridiculous.
The condolence, “they’re in a better place” should be reserved for people who are grieving their pets…unless you KNOW the deceased is, in fact, in a better place. And the person you are consoling is of a like frame of mind. When my father took his own life many years ago, a friend of mine was afraid to approach the subject with me because she believes that suicide victims all go to Hell. I suppose she was trying to be sensitive in that way, because everyone has their own beliefs. I did not hold that against her, after all, she was just trying to be sensitive.
And I guess that’s what I am really trying to say, here. I realize this is a site where people are going to voice their pet peeves. But if everyone who read these remarks took every single one to heart, no one would ever say anything to anyone suffering for fear of offending them. When ignoring them is the worst thing we can do.
Be there for them. Really BE THERE. Listen, it’s not always necessary to talk. By listening, you can learn what they need, both physically and emotionally, and can respond in the proper manner. The physical needs, like baby sitting, grocery shopping, meal preparation, and other day to day needs of the person you are trying to help, go a really long way in showing them that you REALLY do care. If you can help, do so. If you cannot, don’t make excuses about why you can’t do this or that. It puts them in a really awkward position. But if you ask what you can do, you might want to be specific about what you CAN do, giving them an opportunity to say, “Thank you, that would be so nice”, instead of putting them on the spot so they have to say, “A nice meatloaf on Thursday would be GREAT!”

Worst ever is “We’re just glad you’re still with us”. I got that from a clerk in a drugstore when I was checking out with some cold and flu medication. I wasn’t even that sick! But I’ve heard it said to people with serious but not yet life-threatening illnesses.

What is helpful to say?

I have close friends (she from junior high days almost 60 yrs) and her husband that my husband and I spent many times together especially going to and watching football games. My husband passed away last year from Alzheimer’s disease. During the last year of his life they stopped inviting us to watch games with them because the husband was fearful that my husband might fall in their home. This was very hurtful to me. Don’t stop routines just because of what ‘might’ happen. Ironically my friend has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I must try to forgive and support them in a way I wish they could have for me.

This is a delicate topic for sure.

After my mother died a well meaning colleague said : ““Well at least you know she is in a better place “
Since I don’t believe in heaven I didn’t like the comment but I didn’t say anything to her. But silently I thought I would much rather have her here.
The moral of the story is don’t assume everyone shares your beliefs in your goal of comforting a grieving person. That was twenty years ago and the impact was great enough that I clearly remember it today.

Looking for some insight here: My father has been at an assisted living facility for over 4 years. He is 84 has COPD, Diabetes, Heat Condition, Congestive Heart Failure and a few other things. He is 85. His long term care insurance is about to expire and we are looking for a new option for him. I have 4 sibs, 2 that want to keep him in his current facitlity and 1 that is abroad and not involved. To keep him there, it would be roughly $2,500 per month each for a total of $10. I don’t know how to fiannce that, but my other 2 sibs are moving forward and expecting me to provide that support. Are there any options, what are we to do?

I am the caregiver and wife of a husband who had a stroke 2 years ago. I struggle with so many thoughts and feelings. i’ve learned that 90% of people ask but REALLY don’t want to hear your struggles and the other 10% are glad your having struggles. When someone asks me …and HOW ARE YOU DOING? I simply answer with , I’m fine because there is no way they could ever understand what I go through. Asking is just a formality of being social in conversation.

the thing that often gets to me are the ever-so-cheerful social media sayings like, “If you don’t like your life, change it, ” “At any point you have the power to say this is not how the story will end,” and “Don’t forget to live.” Hard to read when you are into the sixth year as a sole caretaker and seeing your own life dwindling away.

I have read some of your comments here and they all make sense, I just want you all to know that sometimes it can be very hard for someone to say correct things to people suffering from a serious illness. I had a friend diagnosed with a brain tumor and when I saw her I didn’t know what to say or how to say it and I got so nervous because I was speechless. She just said “just be my friend and just be there when I need you and just be normal”. That put me at ease and we were able to spend time together in good times and bad times. I was also able to inform myself of the illness and treatments she was receiving. She gave me a pamphlet of the medication she was taking for her cancer. That really helped to know what she was going through and all the side effects. She lost her battle 4 years ago and I miss her so much but I learned a good lesson.

Is anyone training early stage Alzheimers patients for how different the world will seem later and how to cope?

I need help. . husband wakes me at night whispering “they are in the LR” – I say no one here, just us. I’m tired. He is getting worse. Not eating. He stumbles – he mumbles – he whispers. Please help

I find humor helps. To: “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, my response is: “What doesn’t kill you, gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a very dark sense of humor.” Gallows humor, if you will.

In my experience, I have found that one of the surest fire ways of escalating what is overwhelming, as you are trying to gain control, as things are beginning to spiral out of control, is for someone to say, “just calm down”. Or having someone give you the silent treatment. Especially if they know it will trigger a person. All it serves to do is to belittle a person’s feelings and discredit what should be validated. When overwhelmed, you need someone to guide you back into the moment. To focus you. Without judgement. To say that you understand how a person feels, when they are grieving from the deepest recesses of their heart, or overwhelmed as a caregiver, has some level of comfort because at least they have some grasp of what it feels like to be in that “bad place”. And you know when a person is being genuine. They really do get it. At least someone gets it.

When I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer, someone very wise, who lost two loved ones to cancer, said to me, when asked I him if he ever got over it, would things ever be ok again, and because of his experience in the Military, I explicitly trusted him, he said to me, “You never get over a loss, you just get better at getting over it.” He understood on a level that no one else did. No regrets. You do what you have to do.

What I remember the most, something that I had read, is that what someone says, or does, will not be forgotten. When a loved one is fighting cancer, actions, and words, have an impact. Some wounds never heal. Now as a caregiver for my father who has stage 4 colon cancer, there is nothing anyone can say to me. t is a whole different ballpark this time. You just get better at getting over it. But you never get over a loss. Those words have even more meaning to me now. In ways that they didn’t before.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.”

Two days after losing my husband in a car accident (with two very young daughters to raise), a friend called and said “are you sad?” I was left speechless – it has been a couple of decades later and I still remember her comments. Thoughtless!

We thought you were healthy because you don’t look sick.(I have stage four lung cancer).

You can always adopt.

“Oh, stage one. That’s not so bad. You’ll be FINE!”
or
“It’s like you never had cancer really, right?”
or
“I mean it’s just a hysterectomy and those are done every day.”
or
“Oh my mom had that and she’s so happy now because she got stronger!” Ugh. Okay — you do get stronger, but that’s a personal journey. You cannot predict another person’s journey based on someone else’s map.

For me, the most comforting presences were the quiet listeners. It comes down to being there (online or off — just a witness, present), and listening. That helped more than anything.

You want a great way to really listen to people? Check our Celeste Headlee’s amazing Ted Talk out.
https://youtu.be/R1vskiVDwl4

I realized I basically suck at listening after hearing this talk So I went back and took notes.

1. Be present. Seriously totally present. No distractions.

2. Don’t pontificate. “If you want to state your opinion, write a blog.” ^_^ “Pundits are really boring and totally predictable…Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn…”True listening requires setting aside oneself.” (M. Scott Peck).” That means your views and opinions, too.

3. Ask open-ended questions. “Who, what, when, where, why and how.” Let them describe it. “What was that like? How did that feel?”

4. Go with the flow. Thoughts will come in — let them go back out — evven if the thought is as cool as a memory of meeting Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. (Yeah that would totally sidetrack me for a while too.)

5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. (I used to tell my kids: “I’d rather people be more sure of you’re guesses than other people’s facts.’) Don’t guess. Don’t pretend to know. It’s annoying.

6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. Just listen. “All experiences are individual and, more importantly, it’s not about you.”

7. Try not to repeat yourself. It’s condescending and really boring. Rephrasing it is repeating it.

8. Stay out of the weeds. People don’t care about the years, names, dates — they don’t care. They care about you, what you’re like, what you have in common. Forget the details.

9. Listen. “It’s the #1 most important skill you can learn….‘If your mouth, is open, you’re not learning.’ (Buddha) …‘No man ever listened his way out of a job.” (Calvin Coolidge). Why do we want to talk? We’re in control. But also, we get distracted when we listen. We can talk up to 275 words a minute. We can listen to up to 500 words a minute, so when we listen, we fill in the blanks if we don’t pay attention. It takes effort and energy to pay attention to someone…’Most of us don’t listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply.’” (Stephen Covey).

10. Be brief. Basically: “A good conversation is like a mini-skirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.” (Celeste’s sister.) =)

As awkward as it may feel, when someone dies at least acknowledge the surviving friends and family members by saying “I’m sorry for your loss.” In the past, I’ve avoided giving my condolences because it was uncomfortable but now I know it feels far worse to think that people don’t care.

“take care of yourself”….. What in the world is one to do to “take care of themselves” when all they want to do is crawl in a hole and pull in the dirt behind them. But seriously, do you go get a mani-pedi, or a massage, oh wait there is no money for that, as it was all spent on the patient…so tell me one more time….what does taking care of oneself look like when you are totally devastated and everyone else just goes on with their lives???

Having been on both sides of the fence, I understand the awkwardness of giving verbal support and trying to find the right words . We’re all human and the fact is everyone wants to be acknowledged and recognized, and generally people want to acknowledge others even in their time of greatest challenges.

As a cancer surveyor I needed to accept the realities of my situation and the possibilities that the situation could go south. I never got upset or offended when someone offered or tried to offer kind words , I was just grateful as I went through hell, that others cared.
Stop being offended and accept the gift others are trying to offer you.

what the caregiver is facing is not helped by platitudes. It is insulting. To help, validate the situation as it is, and acknowledge the feelings of the caregiver. You can’t fix things; you can offer compassion by just listening. If you want to help, ask for a specific task you could do. Offering general help is no help at all.

My child was struggling with suicidal ideation and someone said, “I hope he makes it.” I was incredulous. It was so painful. It had never occurred to me that he wouldn’t make it. I think I looked aghast and she said again with much intensity, “No, I mean I really hope he makes it.” My situation reminded her of another with a bad ending. I had to leave the party we were at. In my situation all I want is hope – I can’t stand it when people say, “Oh I know so and so and their kid started out like yours and went to hell in a hand basket” type thing. Not helpful. I need people to tell me positive stories – not stories that leave me afraid. I want to hear about kids that got healthy and now lead to positive and productive lives. Another comment that didn’t work well for me – “I’m not surprised.” Some things that were comforting were, “I am holding you,” “I love you,” “I am here for you,” “I am thinking of you,” “Call me anytime,” “Would you like for me to visit and sit with you,” “I’m coming over now so I can give you a hug,” and “I am giving you a hug over the phone.” All that said I am in full agreement that the words are less important than the intention. The intention is what I try to hold. I like it when people reach out and just say they are thinking of us. For me I want friends to reach out with a text fairly often with an offer to talk when I have the energy.

During the time a person does share his/her story of loss, close the computer/iPhone etc , do not sit at a distance but in a respectful space nearby and focus on the person’s story. I had the experience of talking to a computer about the loss of my daughter Mary.

I loved my mother very much. She always believed she knew what God wanted. When I was little and hundreds died in Mexico because of an earthquake, she told me that it was because they had all done something terribly wrong. I told her I did not believe her. I was in high school when the first men walked on the moon. She had always said that if God had wanted men on the moon, he would have put them there. We were watching TV the night we landed on the moon. She became so hysterical that I thought we were going to have to call 911. She appeared to be having a heart attack. Later in life my husband and I went through a 5 year infertility workup. I never achieved a pregnancy. I am an MD. My mother was the only one who ever hurt me over this. She told me that it had not worked out because God did not want me to have a baby. This is a defense mechanism. Believing that Things had worked out as God wanted them to protected her from pain, she had probably wanted a grandchild more than I wanted a baby. She never minded hurting me. “All things happen for a reason,” is also a defense mechanism. People use these beliefs and phrases to protect themselves. Anyone who has ever worked in an ER and seen babies brought in beaten to death, children killed by drunk drivers, or innocents shot and murdered can tell you that all things do not happen for a reason other than that people are often mean and stupid, and life is unfair. Keep in mind that these are defense mechanisms to protect those who use them. What Mom said to me still stabs me in the heart 40 years later.

…arrive with ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, arms to hold….but mostly with heart

When my brother died at age 28, a friend commented “well, you knew he was going to die.” But thinking back on that time period in 1987, the most hurtful were the friends who said nothing at all to acknowledge my loss. Try to be thoughtful and say something.

One expression that makes me cringe, is when someone says, “He’s in a better place.” It’s insulting.
Think about that . . . A better place would be “here.”

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I believe I walked in a real fog. I had lost both my parents and seemed to have gotten past the pain. A not so favorite relative called to see how I was coping. This person has an opinion on every situation. When I explained what steps were necessary to get through these issues, she blurted “you could be like Jane Doe, my neighbor. She’s dead”. I was mortified to think anyone could be so thoughtless and cold.
I don’t ever address a patient with details of another’s ailment. We are not cut of the same cloth, and need proper care and plenty of prayers, in our corner.

Never say, “I never let myself get depressed,” or ” we’ll get you through this,”

That pretty much sums it up.

I can’t think of anyone best suited to handle this.

I’m a huge fan of Emily’s work. I also agree–from perspectives of caregiver, patient, and person who teaches about these issues–that was may get too “hung up” on the “what to say” issue. (Although the “what _not_ to say” issues very much worth thinking about).

In any case, the people who really matter in hell are not those who find the best things to say or avoid saying. They are the ones who show up, are open to _not_ knowing what to say, able to take cues–or ask for them–from person they are there for. What gets said, or not said, can go a zillion ways in that complicated dance. So the core question is whether one is willing/able to dance. Or not.

As every such discussion of these issues shows–and there are many on line–we have all found a lot of disappointment. Luckily, many of us have also found those who don’t live on words alone.

Never say “i know how you feel” unless you have been through the same experience

I believe in God’s plan for each of us. However, each person should reach that conclusion on their own. I’m a cancer survivor, and I often tell myself when I have other health issues “At least it’s not cancer.” I wouldn’t say this to anyone other than myself!

When someone is grieving, never ask, “How are you doing?” or “How are you feeling?” That is the last thing one wants to focus on at this time. Such a question inevitably brings on tears and more suffering!

JoAnn (Jun 07, 2018 8:27am) hit the nail on the head. My husband died a month ago & numerous well meaning people said”If there’s anything I/we can do just let us know.” which was more of a burden than a blessing. Then there was a friend who arranged to have my lawn mowed and the friends who cleaned my house and invited me to dinner and the friends who cooked a meal for my family and me. Most of all there were my sisters who came from far away and stayed with me and did an amazing amount of helpful things without my asking. Sometimes they just sat with me in silence or talked with me about my husband and shared fond memories. I want to talk about him but a lot of people are afraid it will cause more pain to those who are grieving. Just ask the person if they want to talk and/or share. If they don’t they’ll let you know. I personally loved hearing how my husband positively impacted others’ lives.

I’ll say this to the authors of the article: You really ought not bring God into an article about “Things you Should Never Say”

These are so true. Read the book “Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I have Loved,” by a Duke Divinity School professor with cancer. Highly recommended.

I don’t have an awkward comment to share, although I’m sure I’ve had them between my husband’s illness and death and my cancer diagnosis shortly after his death. I try to listen with my heart when people offer comfort, even if it is poorly phrased. Accept the intent, don’t dwell on the words!

Here, read this book!
Unreal comment at a time of crisis from one older sister to a younger one.

Is it possible we need to look past the words, and look into the heart? Yes, some things are totally
inappropriate, but others are obvious that the person is trying to reach out in love because of your
pain. I have gone through grief, people said some odd things, but you could see in their eyes the
pain and that they were hurting for us. It could reach a point where there are no “good” words to
say, because what encourages one person offends another. I have seen it happen. Let’s try looking
at the heart, and give people the benefit of doubt. Very few people are going to try to be crude in
such a situation……in this busy world, if someone took the time to come, it had to be that they cared,
even if they didn’t say the exact right words. We all need to sense love, especially while going through
a crisis. But we are not going to feel that love if we are focusing so strongly on hearing only “just the
right words.” Too many have stopped showing compassion as it is, Let’s not add more pressure, let’s
received the love they have to give. We need each other.

When we lost our baby after she lived two days, the worst thing the doctor told me was,” Just try again”. Like another child could replace the one we lost. We were never able to have another child.

Nice article. In chaplaincy courses, we are told to be careful while visiting ill persons. However, some people do not understand this.

“Well, you look good…”

God needed another angel in heaven

The worst is God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
Loosing 2children to cancer I wanted to choke people that said that to me.

Thankfully, I had very few comments like this when my father died last year but I will say that it was people’s PRESENCE that comforted me. I was really grateful to everyone who came to visit him during his last few weeks and grateful to everyone who came to his calling hours, service and reception. Cards, phone calls, emails were all very comforting. Memorial donations to the scholarship in his name were REALLY comforting because we knew that he would love that. The family got a list of the donors with a total amount but not the amount by individual donor. It was heartwarming and next week, I am presenting a high school senior with the first scholarship in his name. This process has been so healing for me and my family. One of the most thoughtful things that happened for me is that about four months after my Dad died, a friend sent me a pair of handmade mittens (she made them). She didn’t say a word about my Dad, she just sent me something warm. I had a good cry that night out of grief and out of joy. So, my recommendation is to just be there, reach out with small gestures over and over again and you will find that the person you are reaching out to will reach back when they can. LOVE!

Another one. I think i like your wig better than your own hair

I think just listening is sufficient most of the time & maybe saying ,Im sorry you are going through this

You say what not to say–how about what would be good to say?????

I have used CB & found the detailed info
For family & friends was most informative -less
of burden for family to repeat & repeat
The list of not to say was most informative
I know have used n now hope to never use
Thank you
God Bless your work

“I know how you feel” (no matter your own experience, everyone ‘feels’ sorrow & pain in different ways.

Barbara’s comment below from 6/7 is right on!!!! Most people mean well and just don’t know what is the right thing to say!!!! Thank you for the suggestions about the responses that are more kind and therapeutic!

Don’t say to a seriously ill person ( or to her/his close family members: ” I know you are a great fighter against the inevitable.”

Sleep now while you can, before the baby comes home from the NICU! Cause when he does… (as if we are sleeping when our baby is on the hospital…) We are approaching week 12 in the NICU and I am expressing milk (and not enough at that) around the clock. Please stop telling us to sleep. My heart and mind are connected to my baby, and my husband and I spend every hour that is not for work or for our other child at the hospital. I have read through some of these comments and some bother me, but many do not. You cannot know what you will say to someone that may be insensitive to them because everyone has different levels of “sense” that change with each situation. Instead of trying to find just the right thing to say, how about you listen. Better yet, just be there. Don’t need to say a thing. And if you must find a word of comfort, say, “I love you.”

My mom died from cancer three days after she turned 50 . I was almost 19. My mom-in-law said “I’ll be your mom now.” Horribly , terribly, painful. Never did have a good relationship with her.

I’ve been reading through these comments for an hour now, looking for all the ways I have screwed up; the things I shouldn’t have said to a person who was grieving. I’ve found several examples – and despite my good intentions, I know I’ve said and/or done other things that were ignorant – and some that just weren’t received well. But I didn’t want to say Nothing or ignore the situation. I wanted to help; to say the right words. I never wanted to send an unkind or inconsiderate message, but I did. I probably did it again yesterday when I sent a moving article written by a grieving widow to a friend, who is also a grieving widow. But I thought she’d want to know someone was thinking about her and how hard this time must be for her. The thing is – we are human, which means we are by design, imperfect and prone to making mistakes, screwing up, still learning, trying and failing, etc. Nobody gets it right all the time. I’ve been the grieving person, so I know people say and do stupid – or even deliberately cruel – things. It’s the human condition. Here’s what we’re left with: we can do our best and get help with that when needed, we can give up trying to ‘fix’ anybody else, and we can forgive ourselves so that we can forgive each other (or when forgiveness is not possible, we can put distance between us and the offender). This list of ‘what not to say’ is to learn from; it’s not to use as a weapon – either against ourselves or each other.

I am someone who was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer @ 27, & due to multiple brain surgeries suffer from a TBI (traumatic brain injury) that then recurred after 5 years. Now at 44 my husband has left me for a “healthy” vibrant 29 year old, who might I add is closer to my son’s age @ 20 then his! Never could I have imagined a more textbook case of a Mid Life crisis!!
But I digress @ this point I have probably heard them all & now I find myself with NO friends. All you REALLY need to do is be there and/or available.
And yes the most comforting thing to hear is,
“I haven’t been there, so I WILL NOT pretend to understand what you’re going through, however I am available to spend time with you whenever your feeling up for it. I could grab take out & stop in.” (BUT ONLY IF YOU TRULY MEAN IT, BLOWING SMOKE ONLY HURTS!!)

I must say though, I have NEVER been offended by what someone has said, BECAUSE I realize that for the most part NO ONE says anything with malice on their hearts, it is difficult to know what to say if you haven’t been there. & I would NEVER wish ghis on ANYONE, just so they would know the “right” thing to say!!

As someone who’s husband suffers from 2 chronic (treatable but uncurable) AND “generalized seizure disorder” (that destroyed at least 50% of his short term memory) the one form of comment that makes me want to punch the bearer square in the nose is “Have you TRIED….? Believe me, after YEARS of dealing with these issues if it’s out there, WE’VE TRIED IT!! Unfortunately, with my husbands seizure caused memory issues, HE OFTEN DOESN’T REMEMBER IT!!! Therefore, I have to deal with days, weeks, months of (usually the oddest things) bringing the latest suggestion back to his mind, which means I then have to go back over our findings, Dr.s reactions, etc, then having to deal with the inevitable disappointment, frustration and depression, NOT ONLY over another possible “cure” proving FALSE, BUT ALSO OVER the fact that he couldn’t immediately remember it!!

If you don’t know what to say, be HONEST! A simple “I’m sorry” or “how awful/frustrating” is SO MUCH MORE HELPFUL than a NO MATTER HOW WELL INTENTIONED “possible cure.”

I know how you feel

Just help anyway you can think of without intruding –
Just be available if needed
Make sure family know you are there for them – anything – anytime

Oh! My aunt, cousin mom, sister, had what you have, and…(me waiting for encouragement)… she died.
If you ever lose your remission, it’s over.
Oh, they just dial it in now. (referring to chemo)
Please send me a picture of you with no hair!
He/she’s in a better place.
Especially for victims of mass shootings; Sending thoughts and prayers

I have stage 4 lung cancer. The comments are better than abandoning the person who is ill. When I told friends of my illness. Some choices were to abandon our friendship. I have had cancer for 4 years. I’m still here. I remember a preacher giving a sermon about “I want my flowers now” that’s how I feel. If your not going to be part of my journey while I’m alive, don’t send flowers to my funeral.

Just to clear up that aside: My brother-in-law was a beautiful, sensitive,wonderful person. There have been others though that I took another tact: “YOU are a wonderful person.”

When my sister’s husband died tragically, I was astounded @ how many people said “Oh, you’ll get married again”; “You look wonderful! I love your hair/dress/outfit…” Don’t do that. Friends came over & cleaned her front walk, her refrigerator, guarded the intrusive phone calls, funeral attendees (seriously…one followed her & her 4 children around the cemetery like a hawk mouthing inappropriate remarks: “you’re the man of the family now”; “it was so selfish of your father..” Monitor the phone; the food; the kitchen or if you can’t & it’s inappropriate for you to do so, just tell them what a wonderful person the deceased was (you might have to lie).

The seven things you should never say plus all those comments make me never want to offer or try to offer comfort again. There is only one comment a person says all of those people had intended to say the right thing. Somehow said the wrong thing. I agree with that.
I have always spoken sincerely with love for the person sick or in pain. The words may have been wrong but I guess that’s life.

Over the years my husband and I lost 3 adult children and he was always there to help me through it. Then he was diagnosed with PD and finally had to be in a nursing facility for 5 1/2 years getting weaker by the day. But he never complained and kept making plans for when he could return to his former life with me. I visited him almost daily , fed him and talked to him as well as just sitting quietly by his side. The worst things people said to me were ‘you don’t have to go everyday; you have to take care of yourself” and ‘every day is a gift.” Those were meant to be helpful, I know, but my response was always “but he’s my husband” and “If this day is a gift tell me where I can return it and have my husband back with me.” There is nothing worse than the aloneness you feel when your partner is gone and this kind and gentle person was never going to be my support system again. 62 years of marriage ended when he was in hospice and leaving me and he told me he loved me, kissed me and took his last breath. Hugs and kisses helped but the nicest words were “He loved you so much.”. . .and I him.

Something that was said to me after my husband died of lung cancer, only one month after diagnosis:
“At least he didn’t suffer long.” Or, ” He went peacefully.”

Great article! And if cancer or another lousy disease leaves you the inability to have children please don’t say “you can always adopt.”

How about when your parent is in a casket and people say… “oh he looks so good.”

There are others worse off than you are. Not helpful when you are really hurting.

I don’t think it’s comforting to say: I know exactly how you feel since I’ve gone through the same thing or to somehow put the focus on you. It’s not a contest. It should be about compassion for the other person, not on your situation.

GRIEF WILL NEVER GO AWAY SO IT’S NOT ABOUT “GET OVER IT” AS ONE PERSON SAID TO ME,
IT WILL SIMPLY BECOME A COMPANION YOU CARRY WITH YOU. iMMEDIATELY i ENVISIONED
WINNIE THE POOL AND TIGER WALKING INTO THE SUNSET AND i IMAGINE WINNIE SLIPPING HIS
LITTLE FRIEND INTO HIS POCKET. THAT IS WHERE I KEEP MY LOST ONE.

After our son died a now former friend told me “You need to get over this, or (son’s name) will never go to heaven. This was just a month after he passed. It is now 8 years and I am not over it, but I do know he went to heaven the moment he died.

When my husband passed away from a glial blastoma brain tumor, the one thing I didn’t want to hear, and I never say it to anyone ever is, “He’s in a better place.” It really didn’t help me at all. While I was happy for him that his suffering was over, I couldn’t help but think that I just wanted him here with me in 100% health, whenever anyone would say that phrase to me.

Someone actually told me once that someone she knew died of a heart attack at a young age and he left behind a wife and three children. She then proceeded to tell me that his wife’s loss was greater than mine because they had children and we did not. I was incensed. I then proceeded to tell her, “At least she had her children. I was alone. I had no one to grieve with.”

Being a Christian, as well as a pastor, it really bothers me when people say, “Just have faith,” or “God is in control,” or “Pray about it.” Aren’t you staring the obvious?

My father’s wake. I was devastated and standing next to my mother. Someone in the line of people paying respects started with a kind comment about my father, who knew the man’s family well. Then, the man focused on how old I was and how much younger than his son I might be. He began to do some math at which point I shouted out to all that I had just celebrated my 40th birthday. I looked at him and said, “There! I’m 40! Now you know!”.

“Only the good die young”. We heard this multiple times when my brother in law had a fatal heart attack at 50 yrs old.
“All things work together for good.” Romans 8:28 that may be true, but no one wants to hear or get the impression that God wants them to hurt so badly.

We lost our full term granddaughter at 3 days. Due to birth trauma. Worst comment “At least she didn’t come home to live with you.”

Sometimes it is best just to listen and be there.

“You got this!” or “You’re gonna kick cancer’s ASS!” I know both comments were well-intentioned…..I preferred those who wanted to get involved: “What do you need?” “What can I do?” “Let me know when you’re up for a visit/a chat/….” “I heard a great joke….” “Need any books/dvd’s……..?”

This is so true… just listen or just be there. Do not give advice…

i’m glad i’m not you
welcome to the widow’s club

God doesn’t give you what you can handle….he helps you handle what you are given!! We lost our grandson at 20 days old..one thing I know….it doesn’t matter how long you have you have your loved one, be it 20 days or 85 years, you still want them a little longer! It is better to say something than nothing at all!

“I know exactly how you feel.” Sometimes people even add “I have lots of aches and pains, too.”
But no, unless you’ve had a mastectomy, been through chemo, and live everyday with the side effects of aromatase inhibitors and a high risk for recurrence, you do not know how I feel.

My son died of leukemia after a 2 year battle that tore my mommy heart to shreds. It takes all my willpower to not slap people who say “God needed another angel” If it was their angel God called home they would not feel that way! And I really have to bite my tongue when I’m told it will get better. When??? I lost my son. That will never get bettet

Recently, Playboy Magazine founder passed away at his Playboy mansion surrounded by beautiful scantily clad Playboy models. At his funeral, Not one single man said: “he is in a better place”

I know just how you feel.

Just to hear “I’m sorry you are going through this” is a comfort. (When I had my 4th miscarriage in a row 20 years ago, someone said to me “Oh would you just ADOPT already!” as if that was for everyone. Ouch. Not a comfort.

I want to respond to the person who felt this site was dissing God. Not so. Hearing that God planned to kill your loved one is not comforting. Do you really want to say that to a grieving person? This sort of comment makes God look like a chump. I am a Christian and I decided years ago that many people get more than they can handle every day. “God never gives you more than you can handle” is something people say when they don’t want to deal with someone’s grief. It is difficult to be vulnerable to grieving people! But we get through by our faith, and our friends, and our church community and our broader community, most of us. I did, and people did say those things to me, and I had to give them a pass and know they meant well and/or couldn’t wait to get away from me, as if grief was catching. Other widows and I swapped stories and laughed about it later. We’re all doing the best we can. You don’t have to support Caring Bridge, but they are not down on God.

He was the only grandson your father-in-law had that bore the family name. (After her son and I had lost our first and only child).

I just lost my dad two weeks ago after a long struggle with Parkinson’s. It’s a cruel disease and although we miss him horribly we are happy that he is no longer suffering and believe that he IS in a better place. So many have said that to us that “he’s no longer in pain” or many of the things that people are saying NOT to say. I think it’s more important to show up and be present than to worry about saying the wrong thing so you don’t show up at all. This article is disturbing. Let people show they care and be themselves! Losing someone is hard enough without focusing on how people come across. So think about your loved ones and grieve well, don’t make it a drama and waste the time you could be spending loving those around you who came to support.

It is not what I said that will haunt me forever; its is what I didn’t say. We were caring for my mother-in-law after heart surgery and our 31 year old nephew (on my husband’s side) dying of cancer in our home. One night, our nephew told me he wished he had gone to a doctor immediately upon having stomach pains instead of waiting a year. His voice cracked when he said it. He had been so incredibly strong, courageous, and silent, as is all my husband’s family. I am by nature a hugger and comforter. I was afraid to respond in my normal way because I did not want to weaken his resolve; instead I said I wished that as well and continued to cook. He has been gone for close to 10 years now, and I relive that moment over and over again, realizing he was likely reaching out to someone he knew to be a hugger, a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly, a listener. I failed him that night. I hope others can learn from my mistake.

Offer your time not your words. A fragile, exhausted caregiver needs time away from their loved one to re-energize, Shop for groceries, spend time with other family members, whatever if may be. Offer a 30, 60 or 90 min break to the caregiver. They will be forever grateful!

A friend of mine died very suddenly and his son who lived several states away was there when he passed a way. I was comforted that his son was there to support his mom, during the visitation I told him how glad I was that he was there, when his dad passed away, I could tell that it hurt him.
Not a good thing to say

I lost a son to cancer. I hate to hear, “I know how you feel I lost my dog that I had for 15 years”. NOT the same!

“They’re in a better place.”

“At least they’re not in pain anymore.”

Here’s another one you missed, “I know what you are going through.” Every situation is different. The grieving one is still in the situation of hurt and grief. It doesn’t go away with just a little statement.

You missed a big one—-

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do”

After making this statement the person walks away knowing you will never call, but hey—
They offered ,so if you don’t call ,they did offer , so the ball is back in their court.

I’d like to recommend this 3 minute video by Brene Brown, Empathy vs. Sympathy. I love it for the simple ways it offers us ideas for being empathetic and walking alongside someone…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

I’ve learned that, like many people posting comments here, sometimes people think they have the right to impose their beliefs or experiences on others. But the tragedy another person is facing is not yours to own or comment on. It isn’t about you. Or your beliefs. Or what you think is right. Or how you handled an experience you think is similar. True empathy is to co-grieve without imposing yourself. Is is to own the hurt as a shared human experience, with selflessness and humility. More often than not, a genuine expression of love and shared sadness is all that is needed. The worst chill comfort I received after a cancer diagnosis was: That’s such a common cancer! Everybody has it!

I was on the receiving end and a lady said to me after my ill daughter passed away..,.”You must feel quilty now that your relieved that you daughter passed away”!!! No, no that was far from the truth!

Many years ago I had a miscarriage. My pastor’s wife said to me, “It must be because they were twins, God knows I sure enjoyed having mine one at a time.”. She meant no harm, but those words still sting. Another lady in the church, gave me a hug and wispered, “I’m sorry” then held me a moment as tears rolled down both our faces. After all these years that moment still touches my heart when I think about it.

I was really ill over 6 years ago, and I struggled with trying not to SHOW how much I was hurting or how frustrating the day was, so I would put on my makeup to try to fool myself and others. My comment is so strange, I realize; but it’s actually a good one. “You look good today! You must be feeling better?” (Even though that was my intent…to fool people, it STILL irritated the crap out of me when people would SAY that!!!) Like, I would’ve soooo much more appreciated if someone came up to me, really looked into my eyes, SAW my hurting, and sincerely told me they thought I looked pretty but that they could SEE my pain. Then, ask if there was ANYTHING they could do to help me through it. That would’ve been EXTREMELY helpful.

God needed him / her in heaven more than you need them here on earth.

I’m tired of being told what not to say. People do their best in hard times. I ‘m tired of the word police telling me what to say or not say.

So true. Also don’t say negative about their weight, like you “loose weight, “
DUH! I just had chemo and radiation and still feeling the side effects of the treatment, you know???

I had a feeling that most of the “7 things to never say to a sick person” would involve God. I wonder why I knew this?
You have lost any support I would have for your organization. I will show this little diddy to my Christian friends to be sure they don’t support you either.
In the Bible, Psalm 14:1 says: Foolish people say in their hearts “There is no God”….
The only hope sick people have IS God (I and others I have known have been sick). Yet you would want to take this away from them. You claim to be “experts”. Then you have the audacity to ask for support. Lol

You don’t look like you have cancer.

I’m guessing it was around 25 yrs ago when the term “closure” came into vogue. It was used by others to appear that they would solve the despair by convincing those who had lost a close friend or relative, including family members, that all would be back to normal if we just closed the book on the situation. The word should only be used in the sale of a house.

I remember when my son died and he was my only child. Someone said with a pat on my shoulder “all better now”.

I think a lot of what should or shouldn’t be said depends on how close you are to the people you are reaching out to. Having been through this with my husband a year ago, and now with his best friend, I find the best thing to say is “I love you” followed by a hug and kiss if possible. Saying “what can I do” is well meaning and helpful, but just doing stuff that needs to be done (grocery shopping, laundry, taking out the trash, running errands, etc) allows the patient/caregiver to focus on the more important work they need to do. When I was asked “what can I do”, I was usually too frazzled to have a clue. When someone just dropped food (or whatever) off at the door and then texted me it was there, it was such a blessing! Try to get a sense of what THEY want or need and then just DO IT. If you visit, don’t over stay – many people lovevvisitors, but it can be exhausting for them, and they have very important work to do preparing for the next steps they are about to take. This is about THEM not YOU. Leave your own “stuff” at the door, and focus on what they need. If you approach this with love, kindness and gentleness, and you won’t go wrong

Suffering and death are NOT part of God’s plan. God can use any suffering and even death for good, but neither is in His plan.

Listen to an expert on the subject: Father Mike Schmitz

Don’t promise to visit or call or keep someone in your prayers and then not do it. When feeling betrayed by one’s body, or one’s God, such promises “fulfilled” are critical lifelines by which the suffering/bereaved just may find their way back to faith, or to the strength needed to make it through another day.

I guess it really depends on the person you are telling these things to and their beliefs. If you say these things to non believers they will resent those comments and be uncomfortable, but if you are a true believer, then those can be the best words you can say because it is true whether we believe in them or not. We already took God out of the schools, now we also want to censor Him in these special and hard moments of our lives? One thing is for sure. When you are a true believer and you go through these hard moments, it becomes a little bit more bearable than if you do it alone. How sad is to believe that there’s no God’s plan. That means there’s no purpose on anything. However we must respect every human being and and say things that we think might be in line with their beliefs and not impose our beliefs into them. That’s why sometimes we say them and sometimes we stay quiet because it really depends who you’re dealing with. However, no comment is a bad comment, we are all just trying to help and the fact that you showed up and took time out of your schedule in those moments speak volumes. But I don’t think we should tell people not to say these things and censor God out of our lives.

Although I understand the intent of the article by McDowell and Crowe, I am appalled that several of the entries are diminishing the sovereignty of God and His role in uplifting, encouraging and caring for others in their time of need…both the infirmed and their caregivers. We are not promised a pain-free life, but we are promised, by our Creator and Lord, that when we face the obstacles and struggles of this existence that He will be there for us, to be our strength, our comfort, our tower and our shield…that He will never leave us nor forsake us. Who better to guide your caregivers than the One who knows every hair on your head and every cell in your body. My father died of ALS and it was his faith that sustained him and it was the Lord Jesus Christ that sustained me through it all!

While I respect the right of religious people to be religious, I wish they wouldn’t presume to inflict it on people they don’t know well with instructive comments like, “Remember to pray” or “Let’s pray together about it”, or “Just put it in God’s hands.” They may mean well but it is irritating and fatuous and the very opposite of supportive, particularly if they don’t know the caregiver well.

“I wish the casket was open, I never got to see him.”

Caring Bridge story of seven things not to say is horrible! They are telling you to take God out of a difficult life changing situation! Please put God in everything in your prayers and in acknowledging his presence in everything. God will see you thru and yes he does have a master plan of eternal life. Without HOPE, FAITH and LOVE what do we have to keep us going in times of trouble! Very bad article for this company

I am on Facebook list with many dog owners in US and Europe. Seems every day there is Facebook entry of heartbreak over loss of beloved Angels passing over Rainbiw Bridge. There is a real ministry of comfort in supporting this personal heartbreak in loss of pets.

While I enjoy the advice on what not to say, why not give better examples of what to say and do!
Families that are going through a tough time need to feel supported and tend to be hyper sensitive to just about anything anyone says or do. And it will be interrupted through emotion not using logic. Then the hurt family members will do one of 2 things. Be understanding and continue to help out the best way they can or get upset and won’t try to do anything.
Either way, relationships are compromised. The givers get tired of feeling the sacrifices they make aren’t good enough or not enough and check out leaving behind the very people who need them.

So again I must ask, What should be said or done and what responsibility do the receivers of the support have in how things are interrupted?

I will say I am sorry. This is hard. But what I want to say is, let go. Life and death are part of the same continuum. However hard it is to let go…eventually you must and will. Then I will say, grieve because you have lost someone dear to you. Grieve as much as you need to. I will listen to whatever you want to say. I will not try and comfort you, because I can’t. I will stay in the room with you.

I was say I am sorry. This is hard. But what I want to say is, let go. Life and death are part of the same continuum. However hard it is to let go…eventually you must and will. In the meantime, grieve because you have lost someone dear to you. Grieve as much as you need to. I will listen to whatever you want to say. I will not try and comfort you, because I can’t. I will stay in the room with you.

At least he didn’t have children when he died at 19

Sometimes, be quiet and just listen. You don’t have to open your trap.

And never say, “God must have wanted another angel.”

You might still get better! Even doctors can be wrong!

Susan Johnson,. I wonder if a GPS monitor would work? An ankle bracelet perhaps? The Sheriff’s office may have ideas. Better to be prepared in case he wanders ……????????

You can have more children.
Heaven needed another angel.
She’s in a better place.

Don’t say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do”.

Not everybody dies from….

To the person dealing with a family member with TBI; it’s a lonely lonely hellish place to be. I know; I’m the primary caretaker for a family member. No one understand how they change, how every day it’s something different to handle; how I go sometimes for weeks without a shower , how my teeth are falling apart because I can’t leave the person unattended or I’m too exhausted to brush them; why I’ve gained 20 pounds in 7 months; why I go to the bathroom with the door open so I can hear them; why I get blamed and criticized and lectured by people who have no idea what 1 minute of my day is like. Take time for yourself—how? Ever try to find a reliable affordable health aide?? And that takes time and energy I don’t have. Go to the doctor—really? When? How? I’ve been told by healthcare provided to stay up 24 hours a day for days to watch for seizure signs. I’ve been told to at the same time get rest and keep up with social activities. I have to work at home to pay bills but I spend 80% of my time doing cargiving. But people still give advice and critics abound. I was also the primary caregiver for my mother during her cancer for 2 years, she was also disabled. After her last radiation treatment I was hospitalized almost died. Two weeks later my family member had anTBI. I moved into the hospital and rehab for months and moved us into my mother’s home. To all the people who say it can’t get worse it did and it does. My mother passed away 6 months after my family members TBI. My brother lost his mind. Can’t get any worse? Oh yes it can. For the woman whose husband has a TBI I don’t have any useful advice other than do what you have to do to survive and what you believe is right for your husband. Not what other people say or doctors say or nurses; everyone in healthcare from the receptionist to a surgeon will feel entitled to comment and express opionions on how you are caring for him; on how you care for yourself; on anything. Ignore their narcissistic spew. Listen to yourself and learn all you can about TBI. Read medical journals. Read message boards from veterans with TBIs
And their family members. A TBi is a TBI no matter how you got it. The wife of the ABC reporter Bob Woodard has some useful things to say. Some veterans wives have noted that the people who push you the most to “take time for yourself”
Become angry and judgmental when you actually do. And people say they will help but most don’t. But help although rare will come from very unexpected places and people. You will be surprised who is truly decent. And who belongs in the other category.

She’s better off.
Your brother is handling it better than all of you.
Enjoy your meal and don’t forget to send everyone of us a thank you card. I mean every one. All of our names are in the card.

I think she’s in a better place; I mean that’s what we believe but I don’t know. I hope she is. You can thank me for the Mass card; my address is in it.

Hello everyone. I am Maria Ruiz and enjoyed reading all the con and pro comments. I had a turbulent childhood but it made me stronger. I have witness many deaths in my lifetime, from Newborns to 90 plus years of age. What I usually say to those who loss loved ones is “I am sorry for your Loss” then ask if there is need for anything to please contact me at their convenience. I give them a very warm hug then leave the funeral home. Most of the old community are Catholics and always use the Church Hall for food, Sharing things about the deceased. I very recently lost an x boyfriend of 30 years. I did not go tho the funeral or viewing as I wanted to remember him while he was alive. I am glad I found this site. Good bless you and your loved ones always. As far as the non-believers, you are still my brothers and sisters in my heart, and no different than anyone else, I love you also.
May 3, 2018 4:30 a.m. I had to post so if it reads loopy or confused it’s because I am sleep deprived,

My husband had colon cancer 13 years ago and a casual friend from church asked me “how long does he have?” I was astounded and told her I hoped he would live until he died. I am still having chemo from a 4 1/2 year bout with ALL. My neighbor (whom I barely know) and her friend walked over to our yard. The neighbor told her that I have cancer. She said, “How long do you have ?” My husband and I laughed but why on earth would people ask this????

This is such a difficult topic, I wish more people were made a ware of the resources available out there. When someone is faced with grief there are things to do and NOT to do. I found a great resource that helped lay out some of those unspoken but important guidelines Anne-Marie Lockmyer’s book, When Their World Stops. It was such an amazing resource that I would recommend to ANYONE, loss happens to us and those around us at all times and it is not intuitive to everyone on how to be supportive during these times. This resource helps with that, I found it here, http://www.griefandtraumahealing.com. I hope this is helpful for someone, take care of yourselves and those around you.

My husband was in a serious motorcycle accident. He lived and we are so glad to have him. Now four years later we are trying to help him live with TBI. He is not the same person. He is not aware of the hurtful things he says and does. I am trying to help him but I dont know how anymore. My family blames me for
his disposition. I am really hurting and it is effecting my health. Where do I start?

When i was 16, my father died at 40. The one thing that bothered me then and when my mother and husband died was “Im sorry you lost so and so” . I know what was meant but I’d have never left them in a shopping cart, or in a parking lot etc. I just wouldnt have lost them. I knew exactly where they were. They died.
Also, my 38 yr old son had been diagnosed with cancer. Someone I knew said ” oh boy, my brother just died of that”. I can barely speak to her still, even tho my son is considered cured now.

Get over the loss. Very rude. That loss happened a long time ago {a week after it happened.} Also very rude and insensitive.

“Why would you shave your head like that?” To my 23 y.o. son who has a radiation burn from treatment for brain cancer (and this person knew he’d had treatment…just not that it would cause hair loss). Just be sensitive about appearance comments.

After we lost my 28 year old daughter and then six months laterm my 5 year old granddaughter, some one said “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”……I couldn’t help but say, we’ll he’s pushing it……some times a hug is the best thing.

I had my brother-in-law say to me ‘ I’m glad it’s you not me.. ‘ so unbelievably insensitive!

I’ve been a caregiver since I was a child(literally) My dad liked to say that he thought I was strong for staying with my mom. My aunts say I should have moved out or put her in a home. I never had a choice, I grew up taking care of her I didn’t know anything else and I’m not the kind of person who can leave someone to die. My mom didn’t have anyone and it’s rich coming from my aunt who lived with my grandma her entire life and never took care of anyone. She’s in her late sixties or early seventies and still lives in my grandma’s house. Also, most people are well meaning but there are people who are just mean and spiteful and like to kick peo pl e when they are down. Those are the comments that bite and you would know if you did it. Some comments are a slap in the face or a kick in the gut the speaker is not ignorant of that. It is not about being pc it is about being a decent person if you don’t know what to say just be present or ask what the person needs or share a memory, tell the person that you dont understand the sistuation and ask if they will explain when they feel up to it, or simply tell them that you don’t know what to say, they might not either. Grief is hard and life is hard why make it feel worse for those suffering.

Don’t ever say:
“God wanted him/her more. “

The top three were shared with me on numerous occasions when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer three weeks before seminary graduation. I am soooo glad you have this list.

What I have said or written to others who have lost their parents, as I’ve lost one, is this: “No matter what the circumstances, losing a parent is just hard. Really hard. I’m thinking about you and sending you lots of love.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said with no emotion at all…

Really it would be more nice to me, as i engage in here for a better highlitment, i hope some there care and do what i care for

Hurrry back Pete, so we can go out and beat up on the golf course agin. Especially that one we took a 13 on!

As a former seminary student, one of the first things that we learned in both being with the sick or the families of the dying is that there ARE NO MAGIC WORDS. Trite statements really fall on deaf ears when someone is in pain or grieving. The best thing that you could ever do to a friend of family member in physical or emotional pain is to let him/her know that you are here, AND THEN LISTEN. Validate however they feel – feelings are neither right nor wrong. You may also ask if there is anything that they may need.

Be silent- but be there – with a cup of coffee and donuts- whatever- offer to have house cleaned or laundry done by professionals . People suffering don’t want to feel they are a burden. So be a silent angel- and fill needs the person going through the journey can’t do!

My daughter has been through life-threatening illnesses: Wegener’s disease, end-stage renal failure, kidney transplant, stage 4 Burkitt lymphoma and leukemia. What I’ve gotten tired of hearing: “I don’t know how you’ve gotten through it! I never could!” Yes, you would get through it!! Do you mean there’s something you wouldn’t do for your child if they had a life-threatening illness??? ???? I have to mention that having a CaringBridge page for my daughter has been a lifesaver for me and my family, so THANK YOU, CARINGBRIDGE!! And, my daughter is doing well! ❤️

I just lost my father to Pancreatic cancer. We received the diagnosis just 20 days before he passed away. I was his caregiver and I will be the first to say that that role is both a blessing and a curse. I cannot explain the pain that is felt watching your super hero get weak and die. I am left blessed with the amazing memories of his life, yet cursed with the memories of his last days. I try to take it day-by-day and accept the roller coaster of emotions that I am having. I think that the best way someone can help anyone going through this is just to admit that they are not sure what to say or do to comfort you, but that they are there for you no matter what.

I have found when you share grief it diminishes and when you share joy it increases.
I am not sure why this is so, but I have found it is.

DavidReno

May I add to the above list? “He/She’s in a better place”

My sister died in a tragic car accident. Many people at the time would say ” she’s in a better place”. This wasn’t helpful at all. She was 17 and full of life. We wanted her here.

Upon learning of my cancer diagnosis, someone said, “My grandmother had the exact same thing. She was dead in under three months.” I still have no idea how that was supposed to be helpful.

Only two responses applied to me. It did give me lots of “what not to say” to terminally ill and those left behind. But it was more directed to Do you have a similar blog geared to people with illnesses that are not terminal? Personally, I suffer from fibromyalgia, along with arthritis, and some of the same things are said to me. “You look great; you must be getting better.” When they ask how I am doing, am I to say, “fine” and let it go at that? My family is most guilty of pushing me to walk, to go on a picnic and to do other things that are outside my ability THAT DAY. As a home-alone person, my only interaction is with bus drivers and volunteers. Does anyone help me with laundry, with putting a sheet on a top bunk, carrying my garbage to the collection box? And, yes, I ask. This sounds like a pity party but it is just frustration at not finding help like this site.

I know how you feel..
(anything said before )but
use words that say I care about you, I support you.

I have lost many people, 1998 my father to cancer, 2002 nana to dementia (the amazing woman who raised me),2007 my husband in an ATV accident and 2009 (4 days before our 6th wedding anniversary, he was buried on that day) and lastly my step father to a massive heart attack (who I had to do CPR on). I have heard many varieties of the phrases above and other variations. For me the worse was from a friend who I knew since grade school who was supposed to me my dearest friend looked at me not even 12 hours after my husband died and told me that I was a good looking woman and I will find some else HOLY SMOKES! .

I work in health care and I have admitted many people into the hospital and when you get to social history and you find out they are widowed I always ask when or how long and if it is recent the patient often offers when they passed and how long they were married. I only know them for 30 + minutes I always reach out and touch their hand make direct eye contact and say I am so very sorry. Depending on the situation and the patient I tell them for me the first year completely sucked and after that slowly things changed and got better and I also preface that by we all grieve and heal in our own way and our own time, remember that there is no recipe or timeline for this.

For me sometimes no comment at all is very comforting, a gentle touch, holding a hand, a hug, a soft and comforting smile as you are deeply hoping the person you are with can feel what is truly in your heart.

Would love some guidance on what ARE some good things to say…..

I not only am undergoing chemo for breast cancer but then my husband died with brain cancer. I’ve been told: You are strong so this will pass; Pull yourself up by your bootstraps…others have done it; Call me if you need me; Make up your mind to be above this hurdle; I know exactly how you feel; Let me tell you about what happened to me. Those comments are just a fraction of what I’ve been told.

The one i dislike the most in this day and age is I googled ….. Just because you can find information on google does NOT make it true or good information

To the mother of a stillborn or miscarried child, don’t say “You can have other children.” This child is irreplaceable,

After all the “TERRIBLE” things that really well meaning people say, trying hard to be helpful, that ARE SO TERRIBLY WRONG, I think the best thing is to avoid them and leave the person alone to grieve by themselves, cause God knows, i wouldn’t want to say the WRONG THING. So from now on, they can just suffer alone, rather than risk becoming the butt of their sarcastic comments!!!!!!!!

While this is extremely helpful in knowing what not to say and very wise, perhaps a next great post would be 7 positive or good things to say. I think often it is so hard to know what to say out of fear of saying something wrong or hurtful, and therefore we remain silent or even avoid the situation so as not to be uncomfortable. ???? I often find myself silent and listen yet just wanting to hold and comfort with a hug.

Read many of these comments. When my Dad passed away at the young age of 63, I was in shock and frankly don’t remember most comments. But I do remember people relating fond memories of him which was so comforting. But what to say at a friend’s wake when you don’t know the deceased? Please comment.

The wisest words came from a fellow widow. This particularly insightful woman told me she had been in “those shoes. Not your shoes, but those shoes.” She went on to explain she was not in my marriage, so she does not know how I feel, but she knew what it was like to be in her marriage, and thus, the shoes of a widow. It’s comforting to know others have made it through, and chances are, I will to.
If you don’t know what to say, a hug and I’m so sorry. A mother/father is very hard to lose. You had a good one. That hits the right place for me.

Well at least she had a long life.
She’s not in pain anymore

These two comments can be hurtful.

I apologize for posting the same thing twice. I didn’t think it posted the first time.

I have been a registered nurse all my life and I hear people say these kind of things all the time. I know everyone has good intentions but if anyone actually sat down and thought these statements through, they would never say them again. The part of these statements that is the most hurtful and inappropriate, in my opinion, is ….. that we have a God that is cruel and intentionally dishes out hardship. This could not be any further from the truth. First and foremost, all the maladies of mankind are a product of the human condition. Not servings dished out by “god” And people do encounter things that they can’t handle, that does kill them, and are far far worse than cancer. I have had to stand by the side of precious family members that have lost their battles against illness and injury. I have lost countless friends in the same manner. This goes without saying I have cried over the bedsides of many, many patients in 25 years of nursing. Sometimes its best to just say “I’m sorry” and nothing more. Just be there to lend a shoulder, hand a kleenex, make a call, do a small chore. There doesn’t always need to be a comment. Offer assistance “if needed” (it always isn’t) keep an open ear. Allow people to hurt. It’s warranted and needed in certain times.

At least he died young before you had a chance to really love him.

I’ve come to learn that if I don’t want “insensitive” comments that it’s best for me to suck it up, lean on God and not drag other people into my personal drama.

I’ve said, how are you? When I know how they are…. I always feel silly after I say it!

As a psychotherapist , I know one of the WORST things you can say to someone grieving a loss or an impending loss is “If you cry it’s because you’re just feeling sorry for yourself!” I don’t know who the moron was who came up with that, but loss is loss and the longer the relationship, the deeper the grief and sadness.

I know how you feel
How are you – really (after you’ve said fine)

The CaringBridge website was great for me when I had breast cancer. It was a form of encouragement
and I appreciated all the prayers, etc. posted.
Also, when my daughter-in-law had a website it was a great place to go to look up her progress without
making phone calls everyday. She had a long recovery period from a bone marrow transplant. She is still in recovery but doing great. Also, it is a great place to make a little donation to this website.

I have lost my husband, both of my parents, two brothers and one sister-in-law in the past 10 years. Yes….I too have heard all of the above statements but you know what? At least friends, relatives and neighbors honored my loved one and me by coming to see me at such a sad time. It is easy to get tongue tied at times like this and for most of the people who told us what they dislike – very few told us what they did like or appreciate. I forgive everyone who may have said something that didn’t sound just right to me BUT they came, they gave me hugs, sent cards, brought food to my home, moved snow in some cases and everyone of them have been a blessing to me. I’ll never forget the one person who said “I am so hopeful that your fond memories of your loved one, the fun times and the love you shared is a great source of comfort to you at this time.” Enough said!

Please don’t say, “I know how you feel”. As human beings, we want to be empathetic. But honestly, no one truly knows how another person “feels”. If at a loss for words, perhaps a better thing to say is “what can I do for you?”

Following the death of my son: “Why are you (STILL) so sad?” And no kidding: “You’re in hell, you’re in hell, you’re in hell!”

I don’t remember using any of the above phrases, at least, not for years, but have lost a friend lately, and I don’t know why.

When my baby died I was told by many, “oh be thankful she wasn’t a child, be glad she was only a baby”. WOW! The second best is “don’t worry, honey, you can have another”. I know people mean well but sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all, just a hug or a hand squeeze or “I’m sorry”. When these things are said though, you have to keep in mind, they mean well and really don’t know what to say.

I have lost a sister and husband to suicide. I have been told almost every comment on the list. That said, some of the things people shared below, I have said. This has been very helpful for me to realize that I too, have said things (well-meaning) that were not well received. I obviously do NOT want to hurt anyone with my comments. I will be more careful with my words in the future!

“Your Mother/Father lived a long life” Yes, they did, but whether they lived to be 80 or 180, it doesn’t make you miss them any less. You will never see them or talk to them on this earth again, and the length of their life does not make it any easier to bear.

I get it but then it isn’t from the heart. Our society has become so PC that you have to be afraid to say anything. This is one of the problems with our society. I guess I just won’t say anything at all. I do try not to say things that may make things worse but it has gotten out of hand.

A cousin lost her son and his wife in a horrible accident. When I saw her at the funeral, I blurted out “I can’t imagine losing a child,” and she answered “I hope you never do.” We hugged & cried, and talked. It was the right thing to say.

When my 91 year old mother died, I realized that no matter their age, ‘it’s always too soon to say good-bye’ to someone you love. So that is what I sometimes say or write when someone loses a parent. Perhaps some might find that insensitive too, I don’t know.

I have not seen a comment about mental illness. We have two adult children with a mental illness. Serious behavioral disorders have the same effect as a death- the old person is gone and in their place is a quite different and ill individual. It creates a grief that is ‘ambiguous loss’. The stigma attached to this type of serious illness in our society leaves individuals with no clue of how to respond. I’ve forgiven countless well-intentioned comments. By far the worst response to these illnesses is silence and failure to acknowledge our experience. Suggestions: get educated about the illness; continue to be a loving, caring, compassionate friend/neighbor; be brave and ignore the stigma; bring a casserole! Acknowledge the challenge and exhaustion of caring for an adult child who is critically ill in the same way one would reach out and support in any situation with a critical chronic illness. Don’t be afraid to be present.

Things you should never say to someone trying to support you. “These are 7 things not to say.” Instead, say, “These are 7 things to say that are helpful”…

Doctors’ favorite when discussing “odds” with a patient:
We all deal with risk; I could get hit by a truck tomorrow.

So, WHAT are the seven things one CAN say?

After my husband died from cancer, these were the top two comments that I never expected to hear from two different friends. I just busted out laughing when they said the following:
1) “Since you didn’t have children, I can’t imagine how you are going to fill your time.” (My response was that I will continue to do all the same things I already do: work, volunteer, keep a home, have friends over for dinner, visit family, etc.)
2) “You’re not grieving correctly.” (A Hospice counselor gave me the most amazing advice: “Your grief is as unique as you are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve.”)

I have read through most of these and most of the comments are what NOT to say. Please give us some tips of WHAT to say! Thank you!

thank you for this; some people don’t know what to say, others try to be encouraging and think they are and just don’t realize; sometimes it’s so easy to just say something and say the wrong thing

I feel like people need me to reassure them by saying I feel as good as I look. I am learning to be kind to myself and that means choosing loving people to be around when ever possible.

God works all things for good……….

Having walked the “Grief Journey” more times than I care to think about, ( I have lost my entire family barring my brother), 5 in total, I concur with you all about these well meaning comments from folks who stumble over the old cliche’s when the really don’t know what else to say. I just take it all as well meant and with a pinch do salt. They are uncomfortable and just trying to be kind. What does one say after all?

Things that I have found helpful are “I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this” and a sincere hug. T

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT AGREE! ever single comment above is positive, REALITY… ive had cancer 2 times, my ONLY son is combat army, death is inevitable. EVERTHING has a purpose..even a GOOD one in BAD circumstances. There is a holy plan. one will be stronger, idk about the cancer comment, but NOBODY WANTS CANCER… positive thoughts, people, music and scripture HEALS!!!.. AND GOD ALLOWS (DOESNT SEND) TRIALS. AS FAR AS HEALTHY ANYONE, ITS A BLESSING TO BE COUNTED!… IVE SEEN THESE PHRASES ON OTHER SITES AND IM CALLING IT OUT NOW. CARING BRIDGE IS A WONDERFUL SITE, BUT PLEASE DONT FALL FOR THE “TENDER OFFENSES” FROM THE GENERATION WHO HAS BEEN GIVEN EVERYTHING AND CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTHS OF LIFE (JUST BECAUSE THEY DONT FEEL OR UNDERSTAND THEM) WHEN TRIALS HIT. TRIALS, LIKE RAIN FALL ON EVERY. SINGLE.PERSON. ID LOVE TO HAVE HAD SOMEONE SAY ANY OF THESE THINGS TO ME..AT ANYTIME. INSTEAD OF “NOTHING” BECUASE THEY DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY….SAY ANYTHING… JUST NOT NOTHING!

This just why some people don’t visit the sick and bereaved. Be helpful. Offer suggestions as to how to handle rather than ” you’re making it worse”

Both of our children died as adults, they had cystic fibrosis. People have said, OMG I can’t imaging losing one- but two! How can you possibly go on?
Another neighbor & friend who avoided us for over a year- when I stopped by her house said, I’m sorry, I can’t look you in the eye anymore without imagining losing one of my own kids; It’s too painful for me!

I have always found the simply saying: ‘I love you and I am praying for you’ is usually the encouragement they need.

Dear Folks: Please suggest what to say. Many of us are at a loss as to the right things to say to a person who has lost loved one or is dealing with a terminal illness.

I know how you feel.

“How are you feeling?” REALLY? Now, that’s a stupid question

Excellent information.
It would also be helpful to give us 7 things we could say . We would appreciate it.
Thank You.

I lost my beautiful daughter, Heidi, to leukemia…..everyone of the “7 Things You Should Never Say” were said to me…..

Thank you so much for writing this article. I used to cringe every time someone would say, one of these sayings. ( I know they meant well, but it did not help)

What seems insensitive to me is when I’m describing my son’s illness and someone says to me, “Well couldn’t you tell he was sick?” or “Why didn’t you take him to the doctor sooner?” or something like, “Well you knew he was gaining weight.” Really, blame the parents, that didn’t help. I was already feeling guilty enough as it was that I didn’t see his heart failure coming. Not even the doctors say it coming!

What can I do to help? (just do something)
My thoughts and prayers are with you. (a mindless response as we feel we must say something)
Everything will be okay.–>Similar to “I know how you feel”.
How are we today? (Do not treat grown-ups like children)
You look great. (nice try to lift up ones spirit)

The best gesture I get out of all of these comments is “a hug and say I love you.” Does anyone have anything better than that? I’d like to know, please.

Hey, how about being positive and giving ideas about what people should say! God is in control by the way!
God Bless!

Just be a listener. Allow a person who is in whatever situation, to express their feelings. We really do not know what they are feeling or handling their loss or illness. Everyone copes in different ways, some want to talk about their issue, some don’t. If you stop and listen, you will find the words that person wants to hear. Pray for the Lord to give you the words of wisdom to comfort that person.

Add to these to the list :
If you have to have cancer this is a good one.

Cancer is never a “good one”.

I understand what you’re going through.

I know you’re going to be okay.

Don’t worry, Your hair will all come back.

And never say – you really look cute bald.

More could be added and there must be a pill for that. ❤️

I can’t stand when I am grieving the loss of a loved one and someone says “they’re not in pain anymore” or “you had a lot of good years together”. I think that people feel obligated to say something, anything. Personally, I would prefer a touch or hug to words that are cliche. Just let me cry, no one and no words can ease the pain of losing a loved one.

Please, please, please, don’t share horror stories of other people you know who have suffered. I would rather hear a comment about the weather or a sports team. Better: “I am praying for you,” or a comment about something positive (“So glad your appetite is better!” “I hope tomorrow is better!” “I’m praying you get some good rest” “I’m glad the doctors are figuring things out”) or just “I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Hugs!” My husband was so sick we couldn’t get a lot of visitors, so he and I eagerly soaked in every comment even if they weren’t said perfectly. We just knew people loved us, and we encouraged them to click the “heart” as if it were “waving through the window.” When he passed away, I asked people over and over again to post memories of him, and I would read them over and over. Sharing memories is the best – whether someone is sick or someone has lost a loved one.

I think the worst was when I lost my mother and one of her friends proceeded to tell me (after her memorial service) that God only takes the very best. (Are you kidding me??!!)

Never say:”All things work together for good, so we know good will come from this….”

Instead of “I’m sorry for your loss,” how about honoring the person by including them in your comment. For example, “I’m so sorry you have lost your father (or mother, or son, or sister, or Bob or Gail or little Zack). Then follow with something like, “Even though you had your dad for 52 years, it’s never enough.” or,
“I think of your mom so often, and it seems she always makes me laugh. What a sweetheart!” or
“I remember when Gail was my babysitter, she told me the best bedtime stories!”

When trying to convey your empathy with how scared, worried, confused, they are, instead of saying, “I know how you feel,” say something that conveys your pain, such as “My heart is heavy for you.” or “I’m so sorry.” If you feel comfortable with adding “warm” words, how about “My heart is heavy for you, my friend”, or “I’m so sorry, buddy.”

God only gives (fill in the blank) to special parents.
“I could never do what you do”

I’m always honest in my remarks about the person who has died and remember a positive thing the person did or said that I will always remember them by and then give the living person a hard reassuring hug and give them an opportunity to talk.

lve heard everyone of those cliche ass comments my entire life about one crisis or sickness or bad situation my whole life.just stick to the truth and say what you feel in your heart. fuck the dumb shit keep it real.it doesnt cost a penny to be real.we all have a date with death from one thing or another just be a friend and keep it real.

Someone said to us after our son went to Glory; “Maybe God was saving him from something far worse!” Far worse?? Than a 21 year old A student in college, wanting to graduate in wildlife biology after a lifetime of loving nature and God’s creatures? We praise God we know where he is and will see him again, but the loss, even after 32 years is still fresh sometimes.

When the hospice coordinator (who you think would have more sense) responded to me when I said “I’m taking my daughter home” she said, “yes she will really be going home soon.”

I am a woman with stage 4 cancer. I hate it when people say, You don’t look sick.. Recently a friend, said, “It may not be cancer, but alot of people suffer, not just you.” Have you tried (some adjunct therapy..shark oil, etc). This makes me feel that these people don’t think I am doing the right thing. I am senstive to these comments and they can upset me. I get sick of them. I was scolded by a friend for putting updating my illness on Facebook. I do this because I don’t want to explain over and over again what new has happened to me. There is alot of movement with my disease.

More comments…
about comments that WERE appreciated would be helpful

I have been and am a caregiver. My youngest son had two cancers. First when he was 8. The second when he was 13. He will soon be 30! Then caregiver for my mother who had dementia. She passed 6 years ago. I miss her every day. The end of this September will be 4 years since my husband finished chemo and an autologous stem cell transplant. He had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years before. Now we are learning how the cancer and chemo effected his Parkinson’s. Your list of 7 things are clear reminders as we did hear many of them. We were told our son’s first cancer was one in a million. His second. He was the only one to have two different cancers. After the treatment he received during his first cancer. People said we would have better odds winning the lottery. By the time my husband was fighting cancer, people were telling me how they admired me. How strong I was. How they could never do what I am doing. How they could never be with their spouse all the time. All I could do was smile and try my best not to look at them with an expression of shock. My thoughts were How could they not? I also heard the saying, “God never gives you more than you can handle.” During my son’s second cancer I remember hearing how Mother Theresa had added, “But God why do you trust me so much?” I am not a conceited person. But this struck me in a strange way. I agree with many of the comments I’ve read below. In my experiences, I found looking into the persons eyes, you can feel what they are trying to say. And hang onto those moments. When we were asked what someone could do to help, all we could ask for is to keep us in their prayers. Each prayer would hold us together when times were rough. The Cancer-coaster and even the dementia-coaster are journeys with more twists and turns then most people can imagine. No amount of sharing is felt or understood unless you are experiencing it directly. The hardest thing is too many are on these and other similar journeys. As I wrote above, when presented with any written or vocal expression, may your heart listen to the caring behind the words. May your heart gather the strength you need to keep going. And no matter what may you know you are NOT ALONE in your journey. Reach out, there are others who do understand.

What would you recommend to put in a sympathy card when you did not know the person or family well? I see to avoid, “Sorry for your loss.” I like being specific with what I can do, like bringing a meal, etc. What if your not in a position to truly offer something except your words. What do you write?

After being diagnosed with breast cancer and having a mastectomy a couple years ago, I am glad people take the time to say anything; what they say is not always important; what is important that they care enough to say anything. Many of the comments above would not bother me in the least. Let us not be so critical and be thankful we have friends who care. God made each of us different so what bothers one person may be the best thing to someone else. “Let their be peace on earth and let it begin with me”.

Things I’ve had said while dealing with a chronic auto immune disease:
We will invite you when you get better ! ( my thought , let me decide if i feel I have the energy or not , not you ! )

I lost a lot of weight over a period of several months 117 down to 92 lbs .. someone I knew said ” girl put on some weight ” rather than ask me if I was doing ok .

Another : ” wow , I’ve never seen you with wrinkles on your face before” ! Never mind I was fighting for my life and this was the least of my concerns !

I don’t know what I would do if it was my father.

I appreciate any kind words that a person gives to me when I am facing a difficult loss of a loved one. I know that it isn’t easy to comfort someone when their loved one passes. I therefore know that whatever kind words they offer, they mean them from the heart. Not everyone is great with words, and the situation at hand might make them uncomfortable. They mean well, and the fact that they even try, shows their love!!!❤❤

When I was 26 years old I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a complete hysterectomy and underwent extensive chemotherapy. More than once I was told “Just, remember. There are others who are much worse off than you.” SERIOUSLY??? I was supposed to take comfort in the fact that others were suffering more than me????

I have told several people that have said to me ” I don’t know what to say” , that it’s not the words spoken, it’s the acknowledgement that this, sad, or horrible thing has happened. To not say anything, and go on as if you haven’t just lost one of the most important people in your world, is a far harder thing for me to deal with. Knowing that the person is willing to speak with you even if they say ” I can’t understand what you are going through, but I do want you to know I care”, seems far better to me.

After being diagnosed with breast cancer and then having a double mastectomy, someone said to me, “Don’t you have the attitude of gratitude?” Really??? I still don’t know what that means.

I am a hospice volunteer, and I still think about the time years ago an acquaintance from work got cancer. This was the first time I had been exposed to someone who was actually dying. When she got so sick that she had to quit work, several of us went to visit her one night after work. The first thing I said was, “Hi, Dorothy, how are you?” She looked terrible and was extremely weak. What a dumb question to ask. I never forgot it.

10 years ago I had a major hemorrhagic stroke that left me totally paralyzed on my left side after brain surgery to remove a blood clot the size of an apricot. My brain surgeon told me that he felt I could make a complete recovery. I have worked very hard over the past years, and with physical therapy, I have regained a great deal of my mobility. However, I have not made a complete recovery, and still have limitations . I have had to develop a completely new lifestyle because I can no longer do the things that I enjoyed such as playing the piano, singing , playing golf, gardening, cooking etc However, I have developed a new range of interests that I find very fulfilling. People are amazed that I have made such a good recovery. I like to encourage people to never give up , because you never know what you can accomplish if you keep trying. My life is very different now, but it is wonderful. I find people are very helpful and kind, and I am very grateful for all the people who have blessed me with their prayers.

If you are on the receiving end of the stupid comment, try to be kind and remember the person is just trying to be kind and it’s not easy to find the right words. I have seen more family at a wake make the people visiting the deceased be comforted by the family than the other way around. As a society, we don’t deal with death and terminal illness well and truly do not know the right words to say. Sometimes the family has to just let it go and know the person’s intentions were good but the didn’t know the right words to say.

I’ve had some people say, “Oh yes, my cousin had that……he didn’t live very long or he only lived 2 weeks” Yikes! Please tell people not to talk about people dying with whatever disease they have….we are looking for “hope”, not despair.

On revealing to a coworker that my husband was just diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer, she said, “oh, I was sure my husband had that same cancer last year, it was so scary, but he just had pneumonia.” I was too shocked -and still in shock over the diagnosis – to even mutter “um, that’s not helping…”

“You’ve got this!”

Annie, I think I have the wrong comments box.
But if this gets to I want to repeat that more and more you sound like a scholar
and a scientist. Very impressive.
Love — llse P.S.It looks like you are getting the same message twice. Sorry.

I was diagnosed with bladder cancer…. My Mother in law told me after surgery ” You look like HELL put some makeup on and pull yourself together “. My Husband said when I told him the news ” What the F am I going to do with 3 kids”. They are his kids?????

All seven things are very hurtful. They minimize what you are going through.

God needed another angel in heaven.

Never, never say, “I feel so sorry for you,” or “I pity you.” No one wants to be an object of pity! It’s fine to say, “I really admire your strength” or “you’re a great role model for how to face hard things” (assuming, of course, that this is true). Or say, “I hate it that you are having to go through this.” If at a complete loss for what to say, it’s also ok to confess that you want so much to find the right words, but it’s proving hard to do.

I know that people struggle with trying to figure out what to say and no matter what the blunder is, they usually mean well so I’m not trying to be critical. However, when I hear someone say “I’m sorry for your loss “I feel incredibly alone as that comment seems so distant and cold and lacking in compassion. That is just how I experience that . I don’t know about anyone else.

While these are awkward things people do say, I’ve always taken the approach that at least they are trying to say something. The silence is worse.

She wouldn’t want you to cry….
These words are comfortless and only said because someone is uncomfortable with your grief, pain and loss. A simple I’m so sorry is all that is needed if you feel at a loss to say something.

When you have a chronic ‘hidden’ illness, the last thing you want to hear is, “But you LOOK fine”. That implies that there is nothing wrong with you, and you should be out dancing or dining.

words are so hard to think of at times like this. i pray I won’t offend, but i hope my heart is heard.

“This too shall pass”

If ONE MORE PERSON had told me this when I was dealing with cancer….