I remember being a young adult and looking up into the dark, star-filled skies, thinking... There's got to be more to life than what I was living. Even then, at the age of 12, I had a tendency to embrace the all encompassing sadness. A melancholy so deep and so wide that even God, it seemed, couldnt save me. Never content, but hoping for more. Depression was, and still is, just a part of me. It wasn't an empty depression though, void of any reasoning, it was full and heavy. <br />Coming from an abusive, alcoholic/drug addicted home, things were nothing less than unpredictable. I won't share the ugly details of our day to day, but it was definitely something that effected us all. I dreamed of more. I dreamed of a hero who would one day take me away from all the chaos and confusion. Someone who would love me. someone who would teach me and guide me and show me the beauty of this world, which I myself had neglected to see. But no one ever did. We were on our own it seemed. <br />I never felt any real love. Not like you see at church. When I first starting following Jesus and going to church regularly, I was floored at the love that I saw there. Love between husbands and wives and families in general. Kind men who doted over their wives and children. Who loved the Lord above all things. Who prayed with each other, had meals together and talked and encouraged each other. It was truly amazing because I had never seen that kind of love and devotion in all of my life. And I was 40 at the time. I would observe and like a small child I would wish that I could somehow be adopted into their world. I wished again for a savior. Would someone see my agony and take me home and nurture me? It didn't really happen the way I had imagined it, but in a way, I was adopted into the family of Christ. They accepted me as of their own. They taught me things of which I had never known. they lifted me up and prayed for me. And it was really all that I had been looking for. I had found a place in this world and for the first time in my life I was content and happy. And growing in my relationship with Christ. <br />But I felt like I was living two separate lives. I was having a hard time being surrounded by the sin of the world, and also loving and obeying Christ. My home life always had something happening to draw me away from Him. So much going on, and I find it hard to stay connected to who I am, and who I am in Christ. I struggle a lot. And there has been a decline in my love and devotion to Him. I always say, after this crisis, I will get back to doing this or that. But the crisis never cease.. Just one thing after another after another. And I'm tired and worn out and feeling hopeless. The darkness has finally caught up to me and enveloped me. I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me. And that's just the way my life is. I almost accept it. <br />Won't someone save me? 

Vicki Thomas

Update: July 22, 2019 – by Vicki Thomas