Life has changed so vastly, transitioning into being a student moving away from home was a huge adjustment. My fear is that after completing one year of university, which everyone deems the best year of your life, I have not really enjoyed my time as much as I should have. I made friends who turned out to be acquaintances and while others found it effortless to fit in and enjoy a lifestyle of living day by day I have felt an increasingly present pressure to force myself to believe I am enjoying it here.
Around Christmas time my situation changed, I lost my grandmother in her fight against cancer. While this was not unexpected it came as a huge realisation and at the same time a shock to me. I knew it was coming but I did not expect to feel how I did and how I still do. I know grief is not something that goes away it is something to come to terms with and to accept, however, this loss made me not only grieve for my grandmother but myself. While this might seems narcissistic I promise that it is not. throughout my life, every person seemed eternal and I could not imagine that it'd ever change. Especially my grandmother who always seemed omnipresent and that I'd never have a day without knowing that she was there. While we argued constantly and to be honest I treated her in a way I hope my children and grandchildren will never treat me, I loved her and I miss her greatly. Previous to her death I never considered how fast I was growing up and how precious my time as a carefree child was and as the adage goes you never know what you have till it's gone, I am now incapable of thinking about anything else.
I have always been confident and extroverted this has become more and more a shield for myself. This past year I have been incapable of honestly feeling secure. I am constantly nervous and all I really want is to be back home. My Grandmother's death triggered a phobia, thantophobia or necrophobia, both of which a fear of death and of dying things. I have been incapable of accepting my own mortality the only way to sleep is to tire myself watching daytime TV till the late hours of the night. Or to spend hours and hours researching life after death online, trying to deduce will I ever see her again and apologise for not properly saying goodbye and for not sending that postcard which I see written and stamped lying on my uni desk.