These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-8
...Oh that I would be as pure gold in His hands for His use.
This new journey began back towards the end of October. I was spending an afternoon with Jadyn. As I picked her up into her carseat, I felt a pain in my lower left abdominal wall. The next day I felt the excruciating "bulge" and pushed it back in. I went to my doctor. She could not feel anything so she had me go in for an ultrasound and referred me to a surgeon who specializes in hernias. He could not feel anything definite, so he had me go in for a diagnostic CT scan. When I went to pick up the films from the scan, I glanced at the report, certain that it would show there was a hernia. Instead what I read was there were innumerable lesions on my liver suspicious of metastatic disease. My husband said we should not borrow trouble but wait to see what the doctors had to say. I went in to the surgeon and he referred me to Dr. Kimmei at Tacoma Digestive Disease. I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy after Thanksgiving and it was all clear. So the next step was the liver biopsy on December 7th. Everything was happening so fast. I felt like I was in a whirlwind. I remember praying, "Lord, I don't know if I can handle this. I am just still reeling from the last trial, I'm not ready. I have not yet regained my strength. Please, Lord, don't let it be cancer." God knows us better than we know ourselves, and He knows exactly what I can and can't handle. The biopsy confirmed that it is cancer.
I had breast cancer in 1997 and was doing well physically. I had blood work and visited my oncologist every 6 months. I did what I reasonably could to be healthy. This news was very shocking. My oncologist had me go in for a PET scan to find the primary source, as the cancer originated elsewhere. The PET scan did not show cancer anywhere else. There are 2 small spots in my lungs, but not conclusive if it's cancer. So the cancer is called "Cancer of unknown source." Dr. Coleman, a wonderful gentle man, who is a fellow Believer, told me that if left untreated, I have 6-9 months to live. If I elect treatment and respond well, then there is a 25% that I could live 1-2 years. But, he did also tell me that only God knows how much time I have left. He went on to tell me that I should view my time as $ in the bank. I don't know how much I have, but I should invest it wisely. I agree.
My faith and trust in the One and Only Living God. There is no other. My prayer is that He would so choose to bless me by using me. That when others come in contact with me, they will somehow have experienced Him. Whether it be in a smile, in a kind word, in a hug....that they would see Him in me. I want so much to breathe Him in every breath I take.
Two days before the prognosis, I was struggling with everything...full of sorrow, tears and worry. As I was nearing home, I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace and joy, unexplainable. I did not hear an audible voice, but I heard His Spirit speaking to mine, "You're going home. You're going home." And the feeling I had was that Jesus Christ had overcome death, where o death is your victory? Where o death is your sting? Why should I be sad when I'm going to be with the One Who loves me most? Why should any Christian not look forward to this? I can not explain it, other than it is God's mercy on me. He knew I would need His peace and His joy.
I pray for complete healing, I believe in miracles...I believe in a God that will not remain in a box. I believe that God can heal me if He so chooses. I would be lying if I said I did not feel sorrow, but the sorrow is more for my family than for me, I am sad for my family....I wish somehow I could shield them from the pain. I love them so much. I have been so blessed. I want them to know every day how much I love them.
God is with me on this journey, I am not alone. I feel His presence, His Holy Spirit easing my fears, giving me His peace and His joy. In Him, I am resigned to whatever He has planned for me, however long I have to live, whether it be 1 year or 10 years. May I live in such a way that I can touch others for Him.
I am thankful for the friends that have come along side me; friends who sat with me through 3 hours of chemo, friends who have cried with me and held me, and friends who have prayed for me. I am thankful, o so thankful, to my Heavenly Father Who sent His Son, Jesus Christ, so that I might have life eternal...may I love Him more.