Can you support CaringBridge during our March campaign? Generous donors like you ensure that CaringBridge remains ad-free, private and protected.
Dec 25, 2016 Latest post:
Jan 13, 2017
hello world...i've been in hiding i guess for sometime now as i am not good at facebook or any other social network sites...except voicing my opinion on some horrifyingly shocking animal cruelty sites....Anyways, i have a story to tell and it doesn't say WOOHOO but it does answer my own personal journey to issues i've been having in my world, hence, why i have not wanted to be on pictures or any site because of it. and sorry but my spelling and capitalization punctuation may all be off but whatever. my issues have been acne hormonal or whatever just skin that is always broken out and for me was is always my nemesis. my journey begins looking for the solution to my skin and womanly issues all the time. it is a horrid feeling to have bad skin as a woman not to mention all the other shit we go thru on top of that so it's all encompassing. my horror or answer began in october at the end of when i was at my wits end going to my yearly exam "for what (i thought)" cuz i had a hysterectomy in march of this year, uh yeah ok. well the night before i had this pain hit my left boob..it was like lightning bolt from "hell" (so i thought at that minute)...all this while walking down my stairs to do laundry and told my husband "damn babe that shit hurt" so i will tell my obgyn tomorrow at appointment. cool no prob. get to my appointment and say oh yeah hey can you please look at my left boob cuz a had a bolt of hell shoot thru it last night. doc, she says ooh lexy that's not good as she is feeling around...i started crying and said what are you talking about...she says that's a large lump but moveable so it doesn't feel cancerous but i just don't know. when did you get your last mammogram...oh hell i dunno shit maybe 15 years or i really don't know if i have or when it was hummmmm...she said you need to go right away to get ultrasound and mammogram then i will get results cuz that just doesn't seem right. ok so she sent off the orders to get it done. only to my horror did my nightmare truly begin. my quest for answers to acne and drinking dr pepper my whole life thinking it was causing issues and my heavy periods my whole life estrogen dominance now getting told to take more estrogen from my pcp my skin being hormonal acne on my chin forever and every part of me not looking at my boobs (yearly mammograms)....my needing answers from God daily as to why do i have this skin issue that i pick at and make look more horrible and i'm so over seeing my skin look like shit so then...my WHOLE WORLD AS I KNOW IT CHANGED IN AN INSTANT. went to my scheduled mammogram at Littleton Hospital (great place) and got a 3D scan and yes i have dense breasts so the need for more exam is needed. the radiologist did there due then i came back to hear the doc say have you had lupus or RA after looking at x-rays....nope not that i'm aware of....ok well we need to get a biopsy of a few areas so we need to have you come back for that. ok scary but whatever. went back got the biopsy and BAM....later that night i got the phone call from the radiology doc stating it looked to be cancerous...WTF!!!! i went silent as he explained to my husband and i what is next to come....i believe in karma and this year i didn't do the breast cancer walk with amy that we have done forever. always have felt like i would get breast cancer if i quit the walk. well i didn't this year and....so here i am with stage 3a/b whatever the hell breast cancer in my left boob the size of 5cm and some fukn lymph nodes involved...talk about fukn shockville holy shit i could not breathe and cried uncontrollably....
PART 2....2/12/17 Sorry to the readers if I am harsh or have some bad language, that would be me!!!! Truth up front with some R rated language! beware!!! Here is the low down and weirdly the numbers (dates) that follow me....I like coincidental numbers that are good bad whatever relates to yourself in some sort of way. Maybe you can just make it relate but some of this shit I truly cannot make up!
11/11 - diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma that has spread to 3-4 lymph nodes and triple +++ estrogen based (I think that's how it goes) 12/12 - first chemo treatment to begin 1/3 - second chemo 1/23 - third chemo Ok it's just kinda weird and seems to all align with my world! hmmmm interesting...
I have not updated this probably since the beginning...so here is the latest and greatest! I did have a portal placed in my chest on opposite side of cancer. It is like a weird 3 prong device with a catheter placed in my jugular vein and pokes out of my chest wall. It is truly weird to touch your skin and feel some lil thingy with knobby thingies on it. It is the open vein easier to access for medicine, blood draw, whatever the hell - i call it my alien portal hole and been me up Scotty! If chemo was directly in the veins all the time, it could blow the vein and cause a chemical burn under my skin, uh yea no thank you! The chemotherapy has truly changed over the years to make it better for the person to handle. There is a large gap of like 20 days from treatment so you can recoup feel like you're on the upswing and bam time for another treatment. Up down up down that is the way it feels.
Monday, 2/13/17 is chemo treatment #4 of 6...it has definitely had its ups and downs. At this minute, I am trying to get over a cold/flu with a horrid cough that takes your breath away all the while knowing I have chemo on Monday and if my white cell blood count is down, I will not be able to get chemo on that day. I have been to the doc and received antibiotics for that mess which is finally starting to clear up. So, let's hope it all works out tomorrow for my chemo treatment. I meet with the doc in the morning before my chemo treatment to discuss the shrinkage on the ultrasound...I can read my chart before that and see the size is definitely lesser. When I was in the ultrasound Friday, the tech had a hard time finding the boob lump. Nice! And she said at the end, it has definitely been broken up with the medicine. Well that is a hope that I've been praying for since the beginning. All this nightmare is actually doing what it's supposed to and not for nothing. Ok that helps in getting the treatment finished. I have days after treatment that I'm like yep fuck it don't care don't wanna do it anymore fukn done and that is fine...NO!!!! My husband reminds me with a hug and says that is not an option, look what you have in front of you - this little girl needs you and so do I!!! Ugh so I have to have a melt down of crying (sometimes have those by myself too) and then smack myself with reality. Ok I know that is not an option on the table to give up but man your whole being can just say sorry don't give a shit we will let it ride and see what happens!!!! NO Truthfully, chemo/cancer is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD! It is not debilitating (for me anyways) and it does not cripple you where you cannot move or function. POSITIVITY AND FAITH is keeping me going along with my family and friends pushing to get through it. In this day of medicine, it seems the medical world has changed it so dramatically over the years that it can be just get through it with positivity it will be over and better. It feels more like you have the flu and must have fluids! I have a hard time drinking the shit of out water or truthfully anything for that matter, I am a sipper nurser I guess. I always ask weird questions or suggest stuff could this happen if I did this or bla bla bla. Apparently, chemo drugs only last in your system for 48 hours. Huh ok why do I feel like shit for so many days. It seems around day 4 or 5 could be the feeling of no sleep or feeling empty and dehydrated. So this round I will try going to the hosptial for an injection of fluids just to feel refreshed and up to par. One of our friends who just went through chemotherapy got fluids on day 3 and seemed to be very much better after that. So I will try it to get over the hump. My faith in God and the prayers from all over has gotten me through this journey. Feel like I have had menopause, acne that was on the chin either side all the time..clears from one to go to the other but my skin is clearing. Knowing that cancer being in the lymphatic system close to my face could be the shitty skin. It has been compromised for so long or I don't even know when the cancer came upon or has it been lingering in my system for years and finally got activated. I will take CLEAR SKIN over hair. It is so nice to have skin that glows and doesn't feel sucked up dry and broken out! After my chemo treatments are finished I will have a wait of 4-6 weeks then have surgery to remove the jacked up cells and lymph nodes. Ooh that seems scary! Oh wait, I have had a c-section, rhinoplasty, hysterectomy, not that that is a lot but it says ok i have done this before I can get through another one. Quit being a nelly and it'll just be another piece to this fucked up puzzle. I have to start talking to a plastic surgeon about the reconstruction process, ugh! I don't know if I will have lumpectomy (lesser invasive surgery) or double mastectomy (although my genetic testing shows no other gene at this time is carrying the cancer). Who knows what option I will have at this minute...it is another new piece to deal with and they like to do things slow and methodical one day at a time. Thank you for listening and praying for me! I appreciate all and any who have donated to my cause I/we appreciate it!