Sep 13, 2016 Latest post:
Nov 28, 2016
My name is lennette miller. I am now a proud mother of 4. I had my first son when i was 17 and i thought i would never catch on to this thing called motherhood, but it soon became natural. In 2009 i suffered my first miscarriage. I didn't understand how i could have a healthy baby boy but not this one. It was a hard pill to swallow. A year later my second son arrived. By that time my parents had 4 grandsons with another grandson on the way. So at that point we thought our family was just not meant for a baby girl. In 2010 i suffered my second miscarriage. Something inside me felt like these miscarriages were my baby girls and for some reason my body didn't want them. I was hurt. We told ourselves we cant have no more kids. The pain was too much. 4 yrs later(jan2014) i became pregnant and i was at high risk for a miscarriage. I made it out of my first trimester and i was ready for another boy because in our family we got used to it. But a surprise came and doc said "its a girl". My boys were beyond excited for a sister. In 2014 god put me to my first test. I got the worst call a mother could ever get. The only words i heard were your son was hit by a car. My body went into shock for a period of 10 seconds and then i panicked. I took my first helicopter ride with my son praying that god saves him. He went through hours of brain surgery and a week of rehabilitation. He was a miracle. My own superhero. After coming home from the hospital i never wanted to leave my kids but i knew i had to soon work again. In jan2015 a month before my first daughter was due i began to have complications. I was put on stress tests and several ultrasounds. I began to worry. That's when they told me they had to induce labor early due to complications with the placenta. I began to worry about my daughter being small and having complications but she came out heavy and healthy. Life never felt better for my family. Until about 3 weeks later i suffered the second biggest tragedy in my life. I lost the closest thing to me, my other half, my best-friend, my sister. At that point i began to question my plan god had for me. I had so many questions i was hurt and angry. I couldn't understand why after so long i have waited for a little girl and shes here but i had to lose my sister. It took a while to cope and i will probably never make sense of it but i came to understand that things happen for a reason and its the only way for me to be ok. In jan 2016 i suffered a deep depression. I couldn't hold myself together all to find out i am pregnant again. But this time i couldn't seem to be happy. I couldn't figure out y i was so angry and upset with myself. I felt like i wasn't supposed to have anymore kids because it would result in a miscarriage but more importantly my sister would not be by my side. I started to have thoughts of not having this baby to spare the pain and hurt and i felt guilt at the same time. It took a while but after my first trimester i knew that this baby was here to stay. We decided that we wanted this baby to be a surprise so we didn't want to find out gender. When i hit 5 months i went for my gender ultrasound which of course i didn't need because we wanted to be surprised. The baby had its legs crossed the whole time so it had the same agenda i guess. I became happy and went weeks with no complications. Until i hit 23 weeks. I started to have contractions. I tried to work through them telling myself they're just braxton hicks, but the pain became to much to bare so i prepared to go home but before i got a chance my water broke. I began to feel the same shock i felt when i got that phone call. And then i panicked. I thought from that point on all hope was lost. I just knew in my heart god was giving me another tragedy, but little did i know he had bigger plans. He had an angel beside him calling the shots. When i got to the er the nurses told me i would soon be transported to Toledo. The nurse told me i was going to have a baby and it had a better chance there. When she asked me if i knew what i was having i quickly replied its a surprise and she said my highest chance at survival was a girl. I began to hope n pray. No more than a couple hours later i arrived at Toledo Children's Hospital. Upon arriving i had an ultrasound and learned that the baby was breach. The doc said to me "would you like to know what your baby is"? I said yes. He glanced at me and said your having a girl. I shed happy tears replaying what the nurse said to me. Then the doc informed me that the reason for my water rupture and preterm labor was infection. They said i have a decision to make. Either i want to have the baby naturally where chances are slim for survival or c-section. There was no decision making for me i knew what i had to do. The doctor said i would be put on bed rest until the c-section was necessary. I was closely monitored for the next few hours. I began to feel better after the first day but by the end of the next night my contractions came back more painful than ever so i got up to use the bathroom thinking maybe my bladders full but as soon as i sat i felt something slide out a little so i pulled the alarm and ran to the bed almost leaving my iv pole. After the doc sat down she informed me that the baby was coming. After everything i been through this time i knew i couldn't panic. I was prepared. Moments later my baby had arrived weighting only 1 lb 2 oz and 11 1/2 inches long. To my surprise the doc said would you like to see your baby shes breathing on her own but something inside me felt something was going to go wrong so i said get her to the incubator. He asks me whats this precious baby's name. I paused and i said her dad says shes Heaven so her name is Heaven Marie. As i watched them in the other room i had to endure a lot of pain to clean out blood clots from my uterus from infection so i needed time to recover, but after an hour i knew i needed to see my baby. As i walked the halls i had visions and perceptions of what my baby would look like being 23 weeks. When i walked to her incubator all those visions went away. My precious baby was an angel sent from heaven. She looked far from a fetus. She was my tiny little baby. I took a moment to thank god but more importantly tell my sister that i love her. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders as if my sister whispered back at me n said she will take care of her. I know in my heart this will be a long battle but it will be a battle always worth fighting. I began my stay at the Ronald McDonald house and got on a schedule to see my kids every weekend because we live in Lima an hour away i cant travel often. Things may be a struggle for awhile but Heaven is a blessing from god and its amazing how a baby so small can be as strong as she is. I know we will have bumps in the road and life tomorrow isn't promised but i know if it is Heavens time to go my sister will be there waiting for her.