Hi, friends,
Well, Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I haven&#39;t written since July-and since Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to give thanks for all the good things that have happened, I wanted to chime in. First, I&#39;m still alive and yesterday I had another MRI and more bloodwork that both confirm that there is no evidence of cancer and that I am healing from the stem cell transplant. This has not been an easy ride and when a team of doctors warns you that the purpose of a stem cell transplant is to bring you as close to death as they possibly can without losing the race, you better listen carefully. I thought I was paying close attention to my oncologist, but the truth is, I was only half hearing her. If you read between the lines, you will realize that this is a huge, crazy, miraculous procedure if you are very lucky. I had some extra complications like a couple of brain bleeds and seizures to start this whole thing off, plus months of vicious chemo that put me in a wheelchair, so I was pretty debilitated to start with. Because I was so sick and also needed neurosurgery to correct a congenital brain malformation that popped up its head, pun intended, the stem cells were extracted a bit early and frozen for later use so that I could tolerate more chemo. The actual transplant occurred in January and involved a massive final blast of chemo and then the release of the healthy little stem cells into my system, praying that they survive and thrive. 
So, with the collective efforts of family, friends, well-wishers, caregivers, various medical staff including my oncologist, neurologist, neurosurgeon, cardiologist, PCP, therapist, radiologists, an army of nurses, I got better. A special shout-out to my caregiver, Carmen, who later on came to my house and made me laugh every single time we were together. And she was an awesome cook and a gifted healer. My heart broke when I got strong enough to be on my own and she went on her way. Oh, and a pat on the back to myself for persisting even when I wanted to stop. That happened frequently. This summer I started to drive again and began rounds of OT, PT and Speech. Speech was the most humbling because it&#39;s really about remediating the brain damage that occurs with cancer and treatment. I will never return to precancer status and I know that, but it&#39;s okay. Now I participate in a cancer program, Livestrong, which is terrific, focusing on getting stronger through exercise, fellowship, yoga and education and support.
Life is now inevitably divided into before and after and it&#39;s very hard to wrap your hands around that. I can&#39;t un-see or undo what I have experienced and felt. I haven&#39;t returned to normal-physically, intellectually or psychologically and I really don&#39;t think I will. I am lonely in my soul. But here&#39;s the thing-one day in this process, most everybody wakes up one morning and thinks they are sick to death of staying stuck in the now-ness of chronic illness and near-death experience. I am sick of obsessively thinking about myself and how it changes everything to hover around dying. I am bored with the self-centeredness of it all. After all, death is ubiquitous and happens to us all. I am very fortunate to have come so close to losing my life, and then, not. For now, and that&#39;s all we know, it&#39;s a gift to have this extra time and to contemplate what&#39;s important. 
Peace,
Fran

Fran Snepp

Update: November 21, 2023 – by Fran Snepp