UPDATE... we have not set up a donate campaign so donations do not come to us. We are super down for meals though. You can sign up under "Ways to help" -> "Visit your planner". Feed our bodies, like you feed our souls!
Hey There... I'm not a 'share on social media' kinda guy but here goes it...
Last week I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. For those of you scoring at home, its called a small blue round sarcoma (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small-blue-round-cell_tumor
), although its not really that small which is why its a stage 3.
Sarcomas a pretty rare, they are not genetic, and theres nothing I can really point to and say, ah shit I shouldn't have done that. I've been eating organic for years, barely possessed tobacco, and started doing yoga 2-3 times a week 18 months ago. Its just unlucky and a bit of a bummer.
My tumor is the size of a grapefruit and its aggressive AF. I've named it Tuborg, which is the name of a european beer and a piece of a good story from the '06 trip to Turkey to see a Total Solar Eclipse.
Its position makes it difficult to operate on since it reaches all the way from the femur and its pushing into my groin to look like there a is a goddamn racquetball trying to escape my leg. Fortunately its aggressiveness is a path to its treatment as its most likely that it will eat up the chemotherapy at its own peril.
My treatment will consist of 4 night stays at the Parnassus Hospital in San Francisco (https://www.ucsfhealth.org/maps_and_directions/parnassus/
) (which some of you may remember from Katie May's treatment process) and then 4 weeks off until another 4 night stay, another 4 weeks off and at least one more 4 night stay. After this, the hope is that surgery would be possible as now the extraction would be pretty destructive to my leg.
I have a lot going for me. I'm relatively young (although I was hoping 42 would be a bit more jovial), the tumor is in my leg (doctor said no one has ever died from a leg tumor), and I have a great support system. I'm also pretty healthy which allows them to poison the fuck out of me to fight Tuborg's march through my body. Perhaps most importantly a pet scan showed no other lesions in my body which means its unlikely the cancer has metastasized. The survival rate changes dramatically from stages 3-4.
My pain meds have graduated to morphine and oxycodone which sound serious because it is serious. It hurts like hell but for now the pain meds are working which is their job. It is not their job to cure me. That's what the poison is for.
Things I don't need right now is to explain this over and over to people which is why I wanted to just get it out. I don't need people to tell me that I can fight this because I know I can. I've dealt with some heavy shit in my life and I guess this is just my next battle. I don't need random internet cures for cancer or to be healed by holy people or any super fringy shit. If you really feel that something would help, you can tell my sister and she can pass the message on and I can roll my eyes appropriately at someone who won't take it personally.
I am in the UCSF system with doctors that specialize in rare cases which is what mine is. My doctor is on a 'tumor board' with 12 experts in various aspects of medicine. My chemo cocktail man looks like papa smurf and has very tiny hands which I'm not sure is relevant to the conversation.
I don't fear death as i've lived a great life full of traveling, late nights with friends, close family, and a very happy marriage. I've faced death/judgement numerous times (in my mind) via psychedelic journey's and even got an ayahuasca ceremony in a couple weeks ago where the 'technicians' from the other realm came to work on me.
At the same time, I have a 3 year old kid, a wife that I'm still completely in love with, a caring sister and caring mother close by, as well as a brother in law that is more brother than 'in law.' Karen's mom is extremely helpful, her sister Jen and my other brother in law Vince are also super supportive and have also bought me a Nintendo Switch so I can spend my nights in poison town on Zelda quests or beating 8 year olds in Mario Kart.
I'm not ready to die and I do not intend to yet. I'm a bit too busy with family and producing a festival in Patagonia to witness another Total Solar Eclipse. When my time comes I will accept it but that day is not today.
What I would accept from you are photos from our storied history together or little snippits of the adventures we've had. You want to give me a crystal? I'd allow that. I'm not sure what it would do but at the same time I do believe in frequencies, vibration, and the inherent love of the cosmos and if there's even a remote chance that shit helps then by all means I will accept such assistance.
I ask that you don't overwhelm my wife, mom, and sister as they are going through their own processes as well and I know the love from our community has the power of a tidal wave. I don't have a roadmap for how this works but I'm just throwing something out there, making it up as I go as that's what I've done thus far and it seems like its worked out ok.
Anyways... that's pretty much the crux of what's going on. i've got some shit to work out and its not going to be over swiftly. I'll likely be dealing with this for the rest of my life but I'm still the same guy, cracking jokes, mixing the sacred and profane and traversing the road less traveled.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
You got this because you are an important person in my life. I appreciate you. Now go hug your loved ones and appreciate the sweetness of life.
PS : You could also send me a wig cause I'm gonna be bald AF. Funny ones appreciated.