Debra Ramsdell Debra Ramsdell

First post: 12/19/2016 Latest post: 19 hours ago
December 18, 2016



A late Christmas letter...as usual. It has been quite a year!


Last summer (2015) I had placed the property at Cold Creek for sale by owner. I kept the 2 acres with the original cabin and put the 20'acres and half built Dacha (4500 sq ft) on the market. It did not sell then so this last summer we went with a broker. Had some long look sees. The broker had neglected to tell us it is almost impossible to get a loan on an uncompleted house, so once again nothing happened. Mb next summer we will be ready. Reason for selling? Mostly finances and life energy that it would take me till 70 to finish....I am 63 now.


In March of this last year, we took a great trip to Vietnam with some friends. Our guide was a Vietnamese women married to one of my oldest friends. Her family owned an apartment building in Hanoi so we had a place for a week plus translating services. Friendly people, interesting and delicious eats, could not understand a word . Our last few days was in a Vietnamese Russian windsurfing village. Signs in russian, vietnamese , english. The guys all look like Kruscheff. A million motorbikes in Ho Chi MIn City..Saigon.


Summer was beautiful with lots of kayaking cleaning up around the Dacha for sale. Montana in the summer can't be beat.


Then fall hit and Debra got very ill, starting around October first.

To give you the flavor, I have included a letter I wrote first person for her that was to go out as an explanation why she dropped off the planet.


Please remember these are my words..................


Family, friends, and loved ones, my tribe,


Three weeks ago I woke in the middle of the night in fear, perhaps a premonition of my death. It shook to my core. Coinciding with this time was months of wonderfully profound interactions in my practice that left me emotionally drained. After months of coughing fits in my office, it was suggested that I was overloaded in mold and had to vacate my office, in a weekend. I withdrew from practice immediately, to try and figure what was going on. To this day my whole office stands piled in an empty space. I have been home since and my cough of months has gone away.


"Overnight" I fell apart. Suddenly I was in total confusion mentally, stiflingly anxious, paranoid, comprehension absent, almost like in a fog swirling in my head that I couldn't clear.


I am experiencing incredible shame. What will you think? What will the rest of the world think ? Now that I am damaged. I cannot even to this moment, weeks out, bear to see even those I love dearest or even speak with you. Which shames me even more.


The confusion weighs on me heavily.....in many ways. Little to low understanding in basic conversation, even in tasks that have been repetitive, now take monumental energy. Driving is out for the moment as I do not trust myself. Simple explanations of tasks done in the past, computers, bookkeeping, dealing with others like doctors, lawyers feel impossible. I have quit my counseling practice.


The anxiety allows me no sleep. I am totally wired while my brain is exhausted. I pace the floor, I wring my hands, I sit and cogitate, my brain at 90 mph. Project tasks like bookkeeping take hours and are mostly staring at the pages. Decisions are pretty much impossible, especially for important items.


I know that that my that my practice has been jeopardized. The bookeeping, forget it, totally screwed up. .........My record keeping a lost cause ......I have tremendous fears about all of this; my life changing so quickly, and feeling stripped away.

It feels like my brain has gone south for the winter!


Now, I am at home full time. No job, no driving. Trying to get head above the water and fog I am drowning in.


Anti anxiety medication, acupuncture, herbs nutrients, nothing really has done much. Medication gives me night terrors or makes me too groggy to think even a little bit straight. I keep exploring. At this point I feel like I am damaged goods, never to return.....despite what Michael says.

.................

That was written in mid October and it is now almost Christmas. Not much has changed except perhaps more paranoid delusions.....they are coming to take me away! Her world is very dark...How could anybody love such a bad person! So it goes.....It breaks my heart! Meds MRI, spinal taps, neurologist, psychiatrist, psych exams, neuropsych exams ....6 hours!.

Last steps will be mold testing in the new year. She might be in a facility by then as she is also anorexic having lost over 40 pounds due to not eating or drinking. She was 5'8" at 160, now at 120.


Hopefully there will be some positive movement in the new year.


Love,


Michael for Debra, may her spirit soar!


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