I haven’t written on this platform for over a year, I think it’s because I wasn’t really sure what to say. Our cancer journey with colin was such a hopeless battle. We never had good scans, we never got good news. I think I stopped posting because I hated feeling vulnerable and also just feeling like I was going to sound so negative. The truth is…these words are my truth. <div>This experience has been the most lonely I have ever felt. I could be in a room surrounded by people who I love but still feel like I’m sitting by myself. I was talking to my therapist about it, the example I used was this; I feel like I’m on an island alone. People keep riding by in their boats shouting “I’m here for you! Love you!” But no one is actually stopping. And it’s not their fault, it’s like they try but the tides keep them away. It’s true when they say you don’t know what it’s like until you’ve been through it. And I hope no one else has to. Losing a child, it’s the most unnatural feeling in the world. So many questions come up. Why him? Why me? How do you keep going? Can I just curl up into a ball and never come out? Will I ever feel ok again? And a lot of the questions will never be answered. </div><div>I have been trying to fill my time with projects, fundraising, doing things around the house, and I know it’s just to distract myself from my own reality. I’m not posting this for pity, I’ve already had enough for one lifetime. I am posting this to remind people that grief never ends, it never goes away. If you are thinking of someone who is grieving, reach out. Don’t be offended if they don’t respond, the gesture does mean something. It’s just, sometimes they might be in a place where they aren’t ready to talk. But they see you, they hear you. Just be there and tell the ones you love that you love them.</div><div><br /></div>

Colin Boyd

Update: July 24, 2022 – by Caitlin Boyd