In 2016 I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder. People with bipolar 1 experience a range of symptoms. Mania and depression are the defining characteristics. Symptoms of mania generally include delusions of grandiose, hallucinations, increased energy, euphoric feelings, etc. Depressive symptoms include suicidal ideation, decreased self worth, and low energy. Over the past two years, I have experienced all of these symptoms, with what has felt like little to no reprise. The disease is incredibly disruptive and unfortunately I had to drop out of school, leaving behind friends and a college education. I worked as a waitress for awhile but felt generally pretty stuck. After several rattling manic episodes and horrid hospital stays I am on a new journey to Hopewell Farms. At Hopewell Farm I will work on the farm and with a team of mental health professionals. I think this experience will ensure my bowl is full of challenging and exciting activities and adequate attention to my disorder.
I decided to create this Caring Bridge Website as a way to keep friends and family updated on my treatment and experience at Hopewell. Aside from the bipolar disorder I definitely have some other issues I am hoping to work through. Some are silly to me but also incredibly powerful, like worrying like I seem like I'm worrying. Worry layered with worry. Image and its effects also take a toll on me. I'd like to find serenity from an inward place, a stable place. Being "pretty" used to be a huge source of happiness for me. An inflated self esteem got me through many a rough patch. But suddenly as I grew sicker I began to feel I was not so pretty and my mood plummeted. I felt like nothing without this label. It provided me with a fabricated sense of belonging. However, I found that through hard-work and a sustained effort I feel far more fulfilled than that "pretty" label ever dealt me. Not only is this feeling deep rooted it also comes from a real and genuine place. As someone who struggled with an eating disorder through most of her adolescents I know what it's like to pine after an ideal but these ideals are toxic and often deadly. I hope anyone struggling with self esteem issues can find support in this website and please feel free to message me if you ever need an ear.