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Logan Dane Windley ~In memory of Logan Dane Windley and in honor of all children with Krabbes Disease~
Journal
Monday, November 11, 2002 at 02:23 PM (CST) Logan's Passing: March 22, 2002
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LoganÂ’s apnic episodes were now very close together. We had stopped his feeding, as it seemed a little futile at this point. I opted to go ahead and give Logan a second dose a morphine and a dose of Ativan, to help him relax. Prior to this dreaded night, I had always pictured myself being so nervous and upset that I would be clumsy and would not be able to do the things that needed to be done. A Social Worker at ChildrenÂ’s had told me a story before that suddenly came to life. She told me that when the time comes, that God and your child would guide your hand. You will be calm and able to do what needs to be done. She was so right. My hands were steady, I was as calm as one could expect. All I could think of in the moment was to be with my son and to make him as comfortable and loved as possible.
At around 1:00 a.m., I asked Amanda to go get Bill out of bed. He had gone to bed, as he had to work in the morning. I don’t think he understood when he had gone to bed the magnitude of Logan’s episodes. This was a strange event, too. As Amanda walked down the hall to go wake Bill, he came out of the room, stumbling towards the kitchen. He said, “I have a stomach ache, I need some medicine.” I told him that it was time, Logan was passing. Bill, still half asleep, said, “no, I just have a stomach ache.” I told him again that Logan was passing. Bill came and leaned against the couch, held Logan and I and just cried.
So Bill and I just spent the next four hours holding, cuddling, and comforting Logan. He was now gasping for air and making horrible, horrible faces. I wish I could erase that part of if all from my memory, but I can’t. We “de-hospitalized” Logan, took off all his tubes, and just let him be. Finally, at around 4:30, Amanda asked me if I would like to be skin to skin with Logan. The thought had never crossed my mind. Yes, of course I did! So she turned down the lights, put on some nice music, and Logan and I got naked and just cuddled together on the couch. It was such a great feeling. I was SO glad she had thought of this! Logan’s breaths became further and further apart. Finally, he took one big breath and let it out. He made a little baby sound, which we hadn’t heard in months and months. It was like he was saying goodbye, which in fact he was. I laid there, waiting for a next breath, but there never was one. I told Amanda to get the stethoscope. She listened. Nothing. I took them and listened. Nothing. He had gone. His struggles were over.
I had heard that once passed, they look so peaceful and angelic. It is so true. Logan looked so healthy and beautiful. He looked just like a healthy little baby just sound asleep. I canÂ’t even describe how amazing it was.
As hard as that evening was, we are so grateful that he was home with us, surrounded by familiar smells, sounds, and sites. And we are so thankful that Amanda was with us, too. When Logan passed, a piece of me passed with him. But what he gave to me is so much more than the void I have. My life lessons from an infant are so profound I could never even explain.
We miss and love little Logan so much. I would give anything to hold him, kiss him, and play with his crazy hair one more time. Bill and I still sleep with LoganÂ’s blankets and we think of him daily. As hard as this journey was, I can never thank Logan enough for coming into my life. Thank you, Logan. Mommy & Daddy love you so much!!!
 Look at past journal
entries
Links:
http://www.krabbes.com Pictures and stories of other Krabbes Kids
http://www.huntershope.org Foudation searching for cure for Krabbes
http://krabbes.net Info and family message board
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