About two weeks ago, I went to the cemetary for a regular visit and something was new. They had just finished placing Zoe's headstone. I froze in my place as soon as it was in my sight. The tears flowed immediately. I'm glad I was alone.

I stood there, motionless, for a few seconds and then I proceeded toward her plot. I was shaking uncontrolably. Though I had been anticipating its arrival, now that it was here, my feelings had changed. For some reason, I was afraid to look at it. Although Zoe has been gone for over 4 months now, this completed headstone made it feel more.... complete, more permanent, more real. I slowly eased my way around the large stone to look at the completed work. Her smile beemed back at me. The headstone is beautiful, but it hurts so much. 

I sat there and cried for several minutes. All of the feelings of her loss came flooding back to me and I began to apologies to her, as I often do when my grief gets the best of me. I'm so sorry my sweet girl. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry. 

It is still unbelievable to me. I can't believe I had this beautiful baby girl. I can't believe she was mine and she was so perfect, yet so sick. I can't believe I actually watched my perfect baby fall sick and die in my arms. I can't believe I had to bury my baby. There are times when it feels like a dream and then reality comes flooding back and I realize, no it was not a dream. My baby was real and she is gone and I will never see her here on this earth again. The hole remains and it will remain for the rest of my life.