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Latest Journal Update
It’s been 460 days since I held my sweet boy. Oh man does that number sting. In those 460days there hasn’t been 5 minutes that has gone by that I haven’t thought abouthim, or longed for him. I think aboutwhat life should be, what he would be like? He would have turned 14 on Aug 25th.If this awful disease didn’t get him would he have a girlfriend, be a sportsstar? If this awful disease didn’t take his life would he still be smiling,laughing? I grieve the loss of my typical boy and my very sick boy. I grieve everystinking day!
As a mom you really worry about if people are forgettinghim. I am now a year and 3 months out from losing him and meeting people everyday that never had the chance to even know Zach. I walk outside or at the malland still think man these people don’t know that I had an amazing son and I ama grieving mom.
I think I do a really good job at putting on a front that Iam ok. I can get up every day and get on with my day. I work, I take care of myfamily, I socialize, and I go out with my friends. I still am living. I have alot of people tell me that they can’t believe how good I am doing. I feel like everytime someone says that to me I get a little jab in my heart because I want toscream out that I am not ok… That it’s not fair to Zach that people think I amok. Weirdly I feel by people telling me that I am doing well; I am disgracingthe love and grief I am actually having for Zach. I am not over losing him, Iwill never be but I am ok- but I really am not ok! I will never ever be ok-because my flesh and blood, my baby boy, the boy that saved me is not here withme!
So I guess what I am saying even though I am living life, puttingon a front that I am ok, I really will never be ok with what happened to him. Iwill never have a full heart, I will never know how to answer the question howmany kids do you have? I will never know what life really should have been forZach, or me or my family. What I do hold onto is that people continue toremember him, to celebrate him. Pleasehelp me celebrate him, remember him and never forget him. Help me continue togive value to this amazing boy’s life. Help me always celebrate him! Pleasenever forget him. Please Zach Attack. Please continue to help me turn this awful crappy disease that Zach wasdealt into something so positive.
I read the other day this quote about losing a child "Itis like a physical wound with scar tissue. It gets covered up, but emotions andevents pick at the scab until it opens itself up again” I have learned eventhough on the outside you look like you are doing great, but on the inside itrears its ugly head. I must be really good at internalizing it all because myinsides are taking the brunt of my grief! I just had three shots in my skull tohelp relieve the tension and stress that is causing the physical pain. I waswondering out loud that getting old is not fun to have my friend exclaim that it’sprobably stress- a big date is coming up “Zach’s 14 Birthday” Grief comes in all ways even physical pain.
So now that I laid all that on you, how about you help meZach Attack on Zach’s 14th Birthday. If you don’t have cards that’s okyou can make your own! Make sure you send them back here so we can see them allcelebrate this amazing teenager’s 14th birthday!! I know they aregoing to have a huge celebration in heaven!!
With Faith Comes Hope,
Zach’s Grateful Mom