I have sat down to write a couple of times over the past few months. I have gone back and forth if I should keep this blog up, I am torn. It's an outlet for me, but it's an also a "I have to face this and this is real" kind of feeling. This blog was my journey with my Zach, not sure it should be without him.
I wake up every morning and my first thought is Zach, was it real?, is he really gone? It amazes me how even though you know it's real, your mind and HEART want to question it. I want to wake up from the horrible nightmare and walk in his room, slip in next to him and touch his nose to see that gigantic smile. It doesn't take me much time to process that this nightmare is indeed real and Zach isn't here with me anymore.
I go to bed every night praying that this is the night that he will be part of my dreams. I think I want to see that he is ok, or maybe so my subconscious can spend time with him. It hasn't happened yet, I know when it's time it will happen. My thoughts during the day often make me question if I did everything I could. What would of happened if we intervened more, would he still be here. I often have to tell myself that he was miserable. "Rachele he was Miserable, Rachele he is cured and in Heaven, Rachele you Will get to see him again!" I find myself thinking this over and over again and calming my heart down. I can't begin to tell you even though you think at the time the right decisions are being made you go back n forth everyday with your heart and brain that there was probably something you missed that you could of done more, that maybe if you would of figured out that one thing he would still be here. .... " He was miserable" See it comes back to you that quick.
This year's Christmas Card said Good Riddance 2013. It was a horrible year, all I could think about is 2013 is the year that my kid died. What I didn't think about is by saying good riddance to the year, I was saying good bye to a year that I actually got to hold my kid in. How do you say good bye to a year that you actually had your kid for? Why did I want 2014 here so bad. I mean this will be the first year I don't have Zach for any of it. I have to go an entire year(s) without him now.
So you see grief is a funny thing. Its a battle. I just read recently that it is silent. Those would be two good words to describe it. A "Silent Battle". I am in the silent battle of my life. I do know I am surviving it, I am beating it. It will never ever take away the love I have for Zach, or how much I miss him, or how much my heart is broken. I know those things will be forever. I will always grieve, but I know if I have survived 8 months without him I can Silent Grieve for him forever- and it's OK! I'm Ok. My family is OK. I don't think I will ever be at peace at what happened to my Zach, but I do have peace that I will see him again.... and I know that is what helps me get through the day!
Thanks for checking in... And Keep his memory alive by Zach Attacking!
Here is a story of a big Zach Attack!
With Faith Comes Hope,
If you are here because you were Zach Attacked please let us know in the Guestbook and pass on the card to share A "Random Act of Kindness" to someone else in remembrance of this sweet boy with the most beautiful eyes and a smile that defined him! He was AMAZING!
You can also join us at FB Prayers for Zach Attack to see what else we are doing to remember this sweet boy who is missed so much. I'm not the only one with a broken heart, but I know it brings comfort and joy when we hear someone shared a random act of kindness and that this boy is being remembered by giving back.. something he always did life was making someone smile! SO please, please let us know!!
And if you knew Zach, please continue to stop by and if you want let us know what you remember or miss most about him!
We were the lucky ones and as something I just read today says "Grief is not a sign of weakness or a loss in Faith it is the price of LOVE"- No truer words could be said, and he is so WORTH my grief.