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hard times

 zach your in surgery right now getting ur filter put in to avoid blood clots. i hope it goes good cause baby u were doing so good. i got to see your beautiful brown eyes that ive been waiting for looking at me. u listened to me when i told u to squeeze my hand and give me a thumbs up. then out of no were i saw a tear fall from ur eye and then ur lungs got bad and now ur sadated again. this is so hard. u were almost awake then i walked out of the room quick and when i walked back in and u looked bad. u looked like a person having a bad sezuir. u were breathing so so heavy and i couldnt calm u down no matter how much i held your hand. i kept talking to you and trying to slowly breath with you but it wouldnt work. i felt so horrible seeing you in that much pain watching u freak out and knowing i couldnt do anything to help u. this is so hard. u were doing so so good baby and ur eyes looking at me made my heart skip a beat then all this.. ur doing good now so far but ur not awake anymore. god i need you zach soo bad! this happening made me feel like i was losing u all over again. even though i know im not. it made me feel like a bad wife not being able to ease ur pain or breathing and that i couldnt keep you calm.i hope that you forgive me that you realize i was trying my best to calm you down so they wouldnt sadate you again. but i failed... i love you so much zach. ur doing good please wake up again soon but not till ur ready cause i never want to see you in that much pain ever again it broke my heart so bad!!! and seeing that tear fall down ur face made me cry so much. I LOVE YOU BABY