Raw. Heartbroken. Empty. Pain. Tearful. Chaotic. Abandoned. Alienated. Alone. Quiet. Reflective. Gloomy. Silent. Hurt.
For your reading pleasure: what I wrote tonight in one fell swoop. That means very, very little or no editing. It might make sense, it might not. That’s all I got folks.
New Year’s Eve. One year later. I feel like I can’t get my mind to stop long enough to write anything coherent—and I’m supposed to be doing homework!
As for what we’re doing tomorrow…first, allow me to tell you what we’re not doing. We’re not having a small gathering at Wyuka, to say prayers, talk, remember, reminisce, cry, and rejoice. We’re not having a large group of people over to our house or clubhouse for chili, chicken noodle soup, and cinnamon rolls (yes, I thought out the menu). We’re not lingering over memories with those we love the most, thinking of things to do to draw out the day. (Actually, if all this had followed the hypothetical massage and pedicure from today…ahhhh…) I’m pretty heartbroken over that actually. My heart’s desire is nothing more than those things above, and we’re not doing those things. I want to be surrounded by those that love me and want to remember William. I want to feel loved and supported and prayed for and cherished. I want there to be a big celebration of what God did through William’s life. I don’t really know why we’re not doing all that. There are plenty of reasons that I will hear. It’s ok not to put expectations on yourself for that time. It’s ok to do exactly what you want. Don’t feel guilty about doing what you want to do. Those are all fine and well, and thank you for offering them, but deep down, I’ve let myself down. In all honesty, there are some reasons. What if I’m a crying mess that can’t bother to even make it off the couch? Another reason is that this semester was really hard on so many different levels. Trust me, it would take a couple chapters to explain it all. Very long story short, I’m still, by the grace of a couple professors, doing homework, and I have deadlines, people! That is completely overshadowing this week for me, and it’s been horrible. Absolutely mind-boggling. What’s more concerning is that some of that is my fault. I know that, ok? J I just feel that when I started school, I started on this cyclical journey of craziness. Can you tell that I’m trying to get out of telling you about this semester? It’s so hard to put into words without sounding like a loser. Suffice it to say, I sometimes felt like a chicken with my head cut off for absolutely no reason at all. This craziness has made me feel like I’m pushing aside how I truly truly want to spend this time, grieving my earthly pain, and for that, I’m hurt beyond words.
Christmas was fine. I was sick with food poisoning, missed church so I could puke my guts out. Suuuuper fun. Yep. Caroline really enjoyed Christmas morning, though, and that made my heart pretty happy. She was really fun. It was a peaceful kind of fun. William’s stocking was empty, and there were no presents for him. It was hard not to shop and wrap and prepare for him. I found myself wondering what I would buy for him, what we would be doing as a family, what he could possibly be eating now, what he might look like without the trach. *Mind you, we had nooooo problem with the trach, and were very grateful for it. Didn’t mind it. It’s always good to have dreams, hopes, and prayers, though.* I found myself wondering what he would be like in church now. 2 ½ years old—boy—could be bad. Ha. I’d take all the bad 2 ½ year old boys in the world. They wouldn’t be bad, because I would discipline them. Right? Right? Hee.
I know, I know. You want me to tell you what we’re actually doing. We will go to Wyuka, after stopping to get balloons. We will say prayers, and say, “Praise God for William!” and release more balloons. Caroline picked up a rock in the Jazzercise parking lot today. Bless her heart, she gives him rocks, and it’s so precious, because it’s one of her little connections to him. In November, we attended the Angels Among Us fundraiser in Omaha. One of the things we purchased was a fun pack for Lincoln that included a year’s membership at the Lincoln Children’s Museum, among other fun stuff. We have to go get that taken care of tomorrow, so we’ll do that, and then eat at Noodles and Company, one of my personal favorites, also included in the fun pack. Other than that (and some champagne!), we’ll just have lots of family time. Movies, cuddling, tears, togetherness.
May I, in all love and sincerity, tell you something? Please don’t be afraid of contacting us. We love being loved on, especially over the next few days, if I may be so bold in saying. We also know that you are hurting too, and we don’t wish to shut anyone out of sharing in this time of grieving with us. William meant so much to so many, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for feelings of grief that you have. It makes us so comforted that so many remember him. You are a part of our support system, and we love you.
(P.S. It’s hard-super hard for me to stop writing. There’s so much in my head, so much I want to share. AH! I can’t stop the insanity of what’s going on in my head! J But, I think this is good.)
Rejoice with us, that our sweet boy is in Heaven.
Peace. Joy. Calm. Love. Tranquil. Content. Healed. Thankful. Ready. Blessed.
Sleep in Heavenly peace…..
