I know very much how you feel. I live this way, and know now that I always will. I thought of you and your son when the tree near my house turned orange at the same time as then in your year. The holidays are hard.. I never am not thinking of all the stuff we are missing...but at the holidays I feel like I am the only one who is truly marking this perspective in my own life and family. I am sorry for those moments that no one but you really sees...(looking at my nephew who is sort of alot like my son is my own personal pain...and I am alone when observing this...if I talk about it...I do feel even more alone).
This is hard...it always will be, no matter how well we can be spiritual...we still have that physical absence that hurts so much.
Well, I am here listening and I understand. You are doing great job of this...I am probably doing this too, but it doesn't ever get easier, really.
I guess we are lucky that we have been so blessed, and also that we are not alone in this...but it is still so hard to be the mom of a true saint (which is what I believe we are).