Briella Lucia Bailey's Journal
Written Apr 22, 2010 12:37pmwell, the days have come and gone and its hard to believe its already been 6 months. my little angel would have been 7 months old. and my heart still hurts like it was yesterday. we are all hanging in there, some days are better than others. brant is good. same old thing with him, work and now that the weather is nicer maybe he'll get out and golf again soon. that's his good "me" time! maddox is good also. he is doing wonderful in school and loves every minute of it! its hard to think that my baby is starting kindergarten in september! ahhh... where has time gone! he turned 5 in december and we have promised him for years that when he turned 5, we were taking him to disney world! so in march, we went to disney for almost 2 weeks. we got to go with close family, my momma, my aunt and uncle, cousin and nephew, well, her son. my poor dad was stuck working out of town at the time so he was not lucky enough to join us! and you know we had a blast! we rented a house for a week with a pool. the fam was there for the first week and then it was just the 3 of us for the rest of the time. and it was a blast! we also got to do seaworld, and he got to feed the sharks and feed and pet the dolphins! amazing! and we did universal studios and islands of adventure, where he got to meet all the super marvel heros! wow life was good!! he was in his glory! and so were we... then home and back to reality! and he's doing good. he has his days though where he really misses sissy. he gets upset that she is not here and still questions why God had to take OUR baby. there have been some rough nights too. we have pictures up everywhere of course and a big one in his room, and there are nights when he would just cry and cry. and i would tell him that was ok, its good to cry, it makes us feel better. and its so hard not to cry sometimes. like when he says some things, like when someone has a baby (specially a girl) he says, well how come they got to keep their girl (or baby) and we couldn't keep ours? or why did God have to take OUR baby? and now even wishing he was one of his friends because they have a sibling! i mean, don't most kids wish they were someone else because of the toys they have or somethin! not because they are lucky enough to have a sibling! man some of those are so hard to answer. and i guess i made Heaven sound great because he wants to go, and some days, i agree with him! haha we joke like, lucky sissy, she gets to be in Heaven and play all day! we talk about her daily and sing to her at bedtime. and maddox wishes her sweet dreams... after he kept questioning why God takes babies in general, i told him, well, could you imagine if God only took old people, Heaven would be boring! lol that's why he takes babies that are in mommies belly's, little babies, children, mommy and daddy's, and grandma's and grandpa's. so there are all different types of people and its fun! and sissy, well she is just EXTRA special, that's why God took her. i mean, poor kid, he knows about one of the one's we lost because we were like 15 weeks and he was with us at the dr's for the ultrasound, so i had to add the comment about babies in mommy's tummy. ya know. and here he is, just like us, thinking sissy was just going to have a sick heart and need few surgeries, then she would be good and live a normal life. but then her life plan changed... and we will never truly understand why. and im having to explain this to my 5 yr old, but in terms that make sense. i mean, my poor boy is having to grow up in so many ways TOO soon! and its not fair!! im still trying to figure out myself why God would not only take my beautiful baby girl, but put my little boy through all of this heartache and confusion. let him be a kid! so there is a lot i know i will never understand. i mean, i have friends with babies that i don't see, and friends who have recently had babies that i still have not seen, and friends who are pregnant, and it all breaks my heart. i know part of me is being selfish, but its so hard. i think im ready now, but, yeah, still hard. owell, i have to get ready though because we are expecting our first neice to be born in august!! woohoo! and me... well, lets just say, im still wondering when all this gets easier. there are still days where i could just lay in bed all day and not get up. its still hard at times to get up. but i do. for maddox. he still needs his mommy and i don't miss a beat with him. my poor husband suffers with me and my emotions! but hey, he married me! haha i know she is finally at peace and in no pain, so i'm at peace for that. but im still selfishly mad because i wish she was still here with me, and healthy. i often wonder what she would look like now. especially at work when i see babies that are her age. i feel like i still can't find all the pieces to my heart, and not sure if i ever will... anyways, i could go on and on about that... and as far as more babies go, well... we will see. if you ask madd, he is ready NOW!! haha and he asks all the time, and i just tell him, well bud, we have to see what is in God's plans for us. i have a history with a lot of miscarriages, so we are currently getting a lot of work up done, between that and briella, to see what's going on. so we won't know until after that what we are going to do, whether we try again or not. for now, we are focusing all of our attention to maddox and enjoying the blessing that we have in him. we thank God for him everyday. thank you all again for your continued thoughts and prayers. we need them all. we will be heading back to uva in 2 weeks for the memorial service. it is mother's day weekend. i am thankful that i had 26 days with her as her mommy. it will be a hard but good trip. that is where i feel the closest to her, as she was never able to come home. i often feel like traveling there to just sit... and i think i might start doing that. until the next time... xoxo
Written Mar 30, 2010 9:31amhello all! i know some of you live closer and rest are far away, so i figured i would put it out there! uva sent us a letter/invitation, that they are doing their annual "day of rememberance" in the spring instead of fall this year. so on saturday, may 8th at 2:00 pm, at uva, we are going to the ceremony. wasn't sure at first, but i need to go, even though i will be a hot mess i'm sure! lol its kinda simple. they have this "tree of life" that someone will read out the names of the children who have recently passed away, and the family goes up and puts a flower on the tree in memory of the child. there is music, stories and at the end a little reception. i am including the website if you just wish to look at it. as if you click on the virtual tree, or where is says place a flower on the virtual tree of life, i think, you can see briella's name and it links you to her caringbridge site (which i have not updated in a while... oops) :) www.virtualtreeoflife.org just wanted to let you all know. will update on how we've been later, as i am at work now! take care.
Written Nov 7, 2009 5:31pmtoday has been 1 month since my angel went to Heaven. and i miss her just as much. we are all doing ok. maddox seems to be taking it good. we talk about her often and i have pictures up everywhere. we kept him in the know from day 1 so i really think that helped. he knew she was sick and had a sick heart and now she is watching us from Heaven. because he knew about the baby we lost right before briella, he says, "sissy is in Heaven with our other baby, and now i want another baby girl that will stay with us and not go with God." i told him "we'll have to wait and see what God has planned" so for now, we just talk about sissy. brant is well. he has been back at work for about 2 weeks now. that was hard for him but it keeps him busy. we are slowly getting our lives back to where they were. i am still not back at work. i go back next week, the 16th. i think im ready. the dr's were a little concerned because i work in pediatrics, but i miss my job/girls/life... im a little nervous about seeing my patients, especially those who do not know yet, but life must go on. and i, well im ok. i have my days, and moments. a lot. but the support system is great. and my hubby is amazing. we are ok on the thought that she is at peace and will never feel pain again. thank God. she will never suffer. and for that, i am at peace. but my heart still really hurts and feels reallllly heavy, sometimes like its in my stomach. but only time will help with that. i sometimes selfishly wish i had more time with her, but i know she was ready. that was the best 26 short days. i still am not sure why all this happened, and i probably never will, but im glad i had the chance to have her here with me. i wouldnt change it for the world. i know we all hurt so bad by her loss, but the thought of her beautiful face makes it all worth it. and to know that we gave her every opportunity there was, makes it all ok. i know this emptiness will never go away, but it will get easier. i want to thank everyone for all of the continuing support, thoughts, prayers, food, donations, everything you all did. there are no words to express our sincere gratitude. we are very truly blessed. and it makes me smile to know all the lives she touched. she truly is my sweet angel.