(I do like Catholics by the way.)
And I know that I am not crazy. At least to others like me. I know this life is getting nerving on people who have to live with me like this. I know I need to improve I know. But in my favor, I told the kids and since Taylor was older and a boy I told him over and over and I am sure when he went to school. DO NOT let anything happen to you. If it does, I will live whatever life I have as a zombie in a facility. I will not be able to function or live in a world with something like this. I believe I told him in the hospital. So, the fact I am 'functioning' however messed up, is God's hand at work. But you start to believe the well meaning people, who have the gift of vision, but through sight we don't have. My friend in Atl met a nurse when she took our THH bags to the hospital there. She had lost her son at 22, 19 months ago. Dawn said she was struggling and got her email address because she thought it'd be good for us to talk.
I emailed her and she responded to me. I hated to hear the pain in her words, but it comforted my heart so much to know that she's 7 months past my stage, she still feels like I do. She has 3 other kids- who she loves more than her life. But just like Jesus said the Shepard leaves the 99 sheep to go find the 1 who is missing- you just can't ignore the loss of 1 because you have 'others'. They all matter. And being there for the others is the only thing that keeps you alive. You are just not who you were. I also have found that the one who 'leaves' is the one who you had a unique bond with, not that you loved them more, but there was something about him that needed you more. Not in a physical way necessarily, like autistic, but just in life. The one who was unlucky, klutzy, didn't come about socializing as easily as the others, introvert, had a gift of knowing the spirit and the heart of things that most kids, especially boys have. So even though my son was smart, funny, seemingly the life of the party, he struggled. And so you get a little closer to them, because you know they need you more, the others and they are all different, need you or not in a different way. This one needs their mom to keep them going, encouraging, helping. So when 'it' happens you see how YOU as a person had invested in this mama's little boy. And how you possibly let him down. How even though you may have 1 or 12 other kids, this one was the one who needed just a little more of you. Now the others need just a little more. So, I am so sorry to have felt her tears in her email, I realize that we all cry still, and forever, but we cry together.
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