I have never felt so loved as I did the other night.  Cade and the kids created a special evening for me with a nice dinner and a special gift of encouragement.  It's been 10 years on this road.  I vividly remember the initial evening the "baked potato" in my lung was discovered--the scrambling, panic, tears, and fear all came with the many unknowns, but like a tsunami, a wave of peace and comfort washed over us because we believed God had prepared us for whatever was to come.  And He trained us well; we were ready; and our team has yet to be defeated!  As Cade spoke remembering this time a decade ago, he reminded me that we spent our Valentine's Day date in the cafeteria at St. V's.  It's weird because there are so many things I vaguely remember, but Cade remembers a lot.  My body has surely been through the wringer in all of this, but sometimes I forget that Cade's mind and emotions have run the gamut as well--I can only imagine his feelings of helplessness at times as he has sat next to me receiving bad news, watched my tears flow before heading into surgery, sitting in waiting room for hours on end, balancing kids, hospital stays, and work.  He has truly walked by my side and we have each taken the brunt of this battle.  BUT, we still spent Sunday night celebrating.  As grim and long and lonely as this journey has seemed at times, God has been faithful and awarded us the opportunity to use it for His goodness and His glory.  He has written our story (that I may have edited it a bit had He asked me) and it's helped us build a stronger marriage, a resilient family, and a faith with a solid anchor.  Not every day is easy, but I am reminded every day to know the joy I have in Him.

In the midst of our celebrating that night, however, I knew the news that would likely come the next day (last Monday).  I had had scans the previous Friday and had read the report.  After almost 6 months of stable reports, this one reported growth, and in a couple spots, I knew the growth was going to mean back on the chemo. The spots are hovering in size that would take me back to surgery and that's what we are trying to avoid:)  And sure enough, last Monday in a conversation with the oncologist, we discussed the chemo and potentially a new medication.  We did decide to move forward with resuming chemo as she believed that is what stabilized the nodules last spring, so we thought it would be best to try that first before introducing a new medication.  Everything we do is a shot in the dark, so I didn't want too many shots firing and not know which one might potentially hit the target we are hoping to hit!

I truly dreaded sharing this news with our kids.  They are older.  They worry, and now they ask questions.  And sometimes they don't ask questions and I wonder where their minds wander.  But because they're older, they also love bigger.  They provide comfort and give longer hugs in the morning before they go to school.  They want me to be ok, and I love them for that.  I know God doesn't waste any part of this journey, and I know He is using it to shape our kids too and it has given them a perspective towards life not all kids get.  They have seen how community/church works and I am so grateful for the many adults that have watched over them.  

So here I sit this afternoon starting my first round of chemo.  This morning I felt a little nauseated and then it resumed when I got here.  It's not even the chemo itself, but the whole experience of being here.  The smells, the needle pokes, the hospital blankets🤢...it's just a lot to take in. However, I had a couple nurses I had last spring pop by my room and say hello!  It's hard to imagine, but being 44 here, I am the young and spunky patient, so I think they probably enjoy my energy and attitude.  But also, some people here have had a really hard road.  It gives me perspective too and reminds me to be grateful.

As I prepare to head into another season of unknowns, I honestly have no fear.  I know that seems like a bold statement, but I have come to know I want to be aligned with God’s will and purpose for my life and continue to look for opportunities to use our story for His glory.  But, the depth of other emotions can run deep.  I’m not sure if it qualifies as an emotion, but I am just tired.  I often ask myself “how did I get here?”  How did I get to this place I can no longer be very physically active? When did my multi-tasking energy escape me? Why does everything just seem so much harder than it should?  I struggle to know what I can/should control and what I can’t.  It’s hard to watch other people do the things I want to be doing or should be able to do and not feel jealous or bits of resentment. Overall, I try to stay busy and positive and do what I can, but I wouldn’t be real if I didn’t tell you it wasn’t all peaches and cream up in my noggin'.

With that being said, God continues to work on showing me that there is purpose in suffering. Over Christmas I read a book called Suffering is Never For Nothing by Elisabeth Elliott.  I just wanted to share some things that impacted me from this read…

•  Suffering is having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have.
• The deepest things we learn in our lives come from the deepest suffering.
• Faith has to be founded on the character of God Himself. When we look at the contradiction of both God loves me and God lets this awful thing happen to me, I have to choose He is either God or He isn’t.
• The key to acceptance is the fact that it is never for nothing.
• Faith is not a feeling, but a willed obedience
• Trust Him. Accept Now. See Later.
• The best fruit comes from the most drastic pruning, and the purest gold comes our of the hottest fires.

No part of suffering is fun. But when we can offer our suffering to God and use it for good is when we can truly see it’s not for nothing.  Each of us suffers in our own unique way (per the definition in my first bullet point), which means God has a specific purpose for each of our stories.  When we hide, lash out, grow bitter, or give up, we are missing an opportunity God has intentionally gifted us to show someone some of His amazing attributes. 

So, now what?  I will be likely be doing 3-4 cycles of this chemo before we scan again.  A cycle includes a chemo day (like today) and then another chemo day (next Tuesday), and then the following week is off!  Then, repeat that cycle 3-4 times! Chemo days are very long days.  For example, I arrived here today at 2, but my actually chemo did not get started until 5:02 and the chemo alone take 1.5 hrs. I left at 6:45pm.  Leading up to chemo is bloodwork, ordering meds after bloodwork is checked, a urine sample for a pregnancy test, and then they filter some anti-nausea meds and steroids prior to actually administering the chemo.  Some days will also include meeting with the dr. prior to all of this.  And nothing here is ever on time—ha!  So many have offered to sit with me, but honestly, I utilize this time to get a lot done—no distractions of kids, cookies, or house chores.  I try to make the best of it!

This chemo is pretty tolerable which will allow me to enjoy show choir season and travel volleyball (and finish up basketball season), but would love your prayers on Tuesdays!  I am grateful for a full mealtrain already, in-laws who provide some yummy meals, and some generous gift cards for days I just need to rest.  The biggest side effects I remember from this chemo is fatigue and joint pain from head to toe.  All good, though…we are going to stop this growth!

Please let me know if I can be praying for you in all this new time I will have sitting here:) Even if you don’t share, I know many of you who love and support us, and I will pray that in your own suffering you are able to give it to God so that you can see His unique purpose for YOU!  Some specific prayer requests I have include:

• Praise—Boiler Up! Brooklyn is headed to Purdue in the fall!!
• Praise + request—Savannah is heading to Nicaragua for Spring Break for a mission trip with a group from school! Excited for her to serve and take on a new experience!
• Please pray that our family and our marriage would be protected during this time when things can be stressful and unknown.
• The obvious request that the chemo will work and we can avoid surgery!

Thank you for being our people and pouring into us, whether through your comments, snail mail, a text, etc…I struggle that I can’t always respond or send “thank you's”, but know every little word and gift is deeply appreciated and just an encouragement. 

Happy Valentine’s Day❤️

Love,

Jill

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. 

1 John 4:12