Update...
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"Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in the proper time we shall reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9.
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Lately this verse has stuck to me like glue. I've pushed myself in ways I haven't pushed before. Sometimes there's a personal breakthrough, while at other times a wall pushes back. But I'm alive and my life testifies to the God who has been with us. I'm reminded of Philippians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Claiming that promise, I press on and try not to give up.
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Sondra passed away a year and a half ago today. In the beginning, each hour seemed to painstakingly inch forward. Today many days pass by effortlessly. I didn't expect that back then. Sometimes its awkward to let the days roll by so casually. I want to cry out "Is this right? Is it OK to be nonchalant?" Yes. It's alright. Yet other times I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I find myself having regrets and doubts about things unsaid, things undone, or things I wish could have been different... conversations, choices, actions. I wrestle with the angst of those thoughts. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder "Why are these feelings bubbling up? Why now? How can troubled thoughts be healthy? " But I'm learning that all of my emotions are part of the journey. They're part of the recovery. They're signs of maturity. They signify coping. And coping leads to healing.
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I remember in the wee hours of the early morning on May 11, 2007, huddling with the kids and proclaiming to them, extended family, and even myself... "We will get through this." I was so naive. What did I know about grief? What did I know about hurdles? What did I know about the future? Nothing. But I was still confident that we were destined for success, happiness, and recovery. Oh... there have been plenty of times since then when even I was skeptical of that feeling... but each time, after the wave of emotion passed and I re-grounded myself, I would come back to the truth that I held dear in my heart that morning. It was a truth engraved inside of me. God would sustain us. He would be all that we needed ( “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.”, Psalms 73:26 ) and His spirit would help us overcome our pain ("Not by Might, Not by Power, But by My Spirit, Says the Lord!" ) Zechariah 4:6.
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Grief keeps rolling back like the ebb and flow of an ocean tide. There are good and bad days. So continue to keep us in prayer. God is still good and I have no reason to doubt that. Yet the weeks of the next couple of months are peppered for us with birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other significant occasions. Although grief will certainly wet our feet, pray that the waves won’t knock us down.
