A while ago I watched a television reporter ask a mom who had lost her daughter in a car accident if she ever asked "why me"? As I sat in our living room waiting for her response I found myself answering aloud at the very same time and with her exact words, " why not me?" In the initial days of this ordeal that began for us on December 4, 2006, I wondered why this happened to our sweet Savanna and I wished I could take the leukemia from her. I still have a lot of questions but not why me?

Why not me? There are so many people walking on this road called grief. Why should I be spared? I’m not any better or more special than other parents who have been forced into living without their precious child. I won’t whine and say why me. Of course I never would have chosen this road. I don’t think anyone would. It is filled with pain, longing, and emptiness.

As bereaved parents we are not alone, there are far too many of us according to what we believe to be the natural order of things. I get sad when I think about the many staff in our school system that have lost children or when a student tells me that they don’t have a sibling because they have died. Even here in our little town of Calvin where only 5 or 6 families still reside, three of our families have buried a young adult child. Not very good odds. Nearly every single day through media or by word of mouth I find another family whose lives are changed when a loved one dies. The loss is hard whether it be a child, a parent, a sibling, or a spouse.

Many times I have thought that the last chapter in Savanna’s life on earth was written much too soon yet I know in my heart that she is where she wants to be right now and I do find comfort and happiness in that. It’s hard to explain how such deep sadness and true happiness can live side by side within the same person at the same time, but at least for me, they do. Even during the happiest times the sadness is always there. It’s sort of like a toothache, you can laugh and smile, sometimes even forget about it for a little while. Then all of a sudden it’s throbbing like crazy and you want to scream and rip out the pain.

Through it all I can still say that everything works for the good of God. I thank and praise Him everyday for what He has done for me. He picks me up and keeps me going, often through someone here on earth. It still amazes me when little things happen just when I seem to need a lift. When I stop to think about it I know that I shouldn’t be amazed, it is God working through you.

If you could still send some prayers up for our continued healing, that would be great. Also, for Seth and Lisa and our troops around the world. We have had the luxury of speaking with Seth on the phone nearly every weekend since he started his second tour in Iraq. He calls us while Lisa calls her parents. Another blessing that both families treasure.

Thank you for the continued support. May God bless you.

Smiles and Hugs, Jayne