Random musings at 2 am...

There is something that keeps coming up in my life lately, so I am taking the hint that it is something that needs to be addressed. 

My church is doing a book study of the book "Unoffendable". It is a good book so far. At the study on Tuesday, the leader asked a question and I spoke up with an answer.

The premise of the book is that we can choose to not be offended and live life that way. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Yes. 

I said that I wish I had known about this book 15-20 years ago. It is really good infofrmation, and I could have used this knowledge when I reconnected with my dad in college. I firmly believe that my dad struggled with some pretty serious mental health issues. If not, he was just a jerk... so I choose to believe that he had more going on in his head than he could handle.If I had known all those years ago that I could just not engage and get wrapped up into his neverending stories and drama, we may have had a better relationship. Of course, I cannot tell the future and so it is also possible that things could have fallen apart and ended worse than they actually did. 

It isn't easy to choose to not be offended. It is definitely something that I am going to work on, though, because I can see that it would benefit my physical and mental well-being. 

Every other Wednesday I have a group therapy in Sioux Falls. It is called Stairways and is the second in three groups. I completed STEPPS in August and moved on to Stairways.  The last few weeks we talked about conflict resolution. This week's topic? Forgiveness.

I feel like I am getting hit from every angle right now with this, so it must be something that I need to deal with. I feel like I was able to forgive my dad years ago for how poorly our relationship ended. So what's the problem, you ask? I can't seem to forgive myself.

I know that I did the best that I could with where I was at at the time. I tried to show love and patience and forgiveness toward my dad. But things fell apart in a pretty big way months before he passed away, and that is how things ended. On a negative note where we couldn't seem to talk things out without arguing. 

I need to forgive myself. I was an adult, but the relationship was a new thing for me. My dad had spent most of my life being absent from my life--and when he was around, he would end up (emotionally) hurting me and then leave. It was his pattern. 

I don't quite have the answers for how to forgive myself, but I just know it needs to happen. This is something that I would ideally like to bring up to my therapist, but she is leaving. I see her on Friday morning for the last time, so I won't be able to get into this and dig deep. I'm hoping to find a new therapist quickly so I can address this with them. It weighs heavy on my mind and heart. 

God, help me to forgive myself as you have forgiven me.