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WHO SH** IN MY CHEERIOS

Hello....so this is a live, a live write.  Sometimes I ponder and think about what to write but today.......LIVE.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


So I talked to one of my friends this AM....my sounding board and told her the latest in rondasworld.  Now....this world is lots of fun and at times a riot but other times it is very, very realistic and just LIFE.  I think sometimes I paint such a shiny picture but there are moments and well....I'm going to wrtie about my Sunday. 


Please know that I am okay....but I am human...............


So yesterday I woke up and was just.....Blahhhhh.  What was I going to do?  Hmmmm   So I watched Randy Pausch.  If any of you have NOT seen THE LAST LECTURE......well, you are definitely missing out.  I watched it on my phone on You tube and as always it made me laugh, smile, and it motivated me.   Only I can change my life........only me. 


So once upon a time.....I had a social calendar most would die for.....and most would probably die from exhaustion.  Even now many people marvel at how I run all around the world.....well, spending a year on the sidelines makes you intensely want to be part of the game, the team and so when you are finally ready....you take off charging....not even seeing the impending HIT you may take.  You are just happy to be there.  (using a football analogy here).  You suit up and stand on the sidelines....happy for those playing but longing to be part of the game.....you see others.....dirt on their uniform from accomplishing......and you........STILL on the sidelines waiting your turn.  Smiling nervously.....but ready. You congratulate others and you truly are happy for them.....but 'WHEN IS MY TURN"..... That has been my life…..when is my fun?  When do I get to do cool things…..anything?????


Now the game I talk about is LIFE....dinners, drinks, families, children......and me ever so anxious to be part of any of it.   To not be sleeping from chemo or tired from just going to and from work.  Each day had differences.....but most days were the same record of exhaustion. Everyone wants to rally around for chemo, for surgery….but what about rallying for some fun?  Silly things like iceskating or a walk…..???/ Some people treat me as a HERO for just being able to get out of bed.....really?   Do you expect so LITTLE from me........come on!!!!!  


So yesterday was a day where I realized how hard it is to get people to do things....that I want to have dinner we people, hang out, get dressed up, go to the movies, get my nails done......but when you are OUT for so long......you aren't part of things and well......you really have to fight to get out there.....to be normal.  So yesterday I had the realization that if I want to do stuff....I really must make a HUGE effort.....and I did....just the simple act of texting etc....and deciding to leave the home made for a wonderful day. 


I had a blast with my friends Melissa and Teddy....the  simple act of leaving the home made a huge difference....great day....followed by a little cocktail with my friend Karen.....and a promise to her and myself to get out there more.   I just have to do it....my days are mundane with basic to and from work ( I know....poor me, right???) but that isn't me, that isn't RONDA.  I don't have a child to help with homework, a husband to make dinner for....really I have no responsibilitlies except....myself.  It is what it is.....I don't know a different life or a different existence.  I don't know what it is to make a meal for someone, to roll over and snuggle,  I just don’t.....I never have and it is okay….but what I don’t want is pity or to be patronized….I find it insulting……


Suffice it to say that yesterday I decided to be a Tigger instead of an Eeyore…..everyone has those days…..the success is realizing that you can have a bad…you HAVE to have bad days or you are not HUMAN.  So…..I wasn’t quite a Tigger yesterday…..maybe a Tigger in Training…..but I took a “whoa is me day” and decided…..Ronda….only you can change up your life…..so do it.  I came home and read 1 email….one small tiny email that made me devastated……


So in life….you have moments….moments you file away…..bad things happen…horrific at times and we just put them in our filing cabinet….Hmmm…..things that are tough, things that suck, and things that just make you unhappy……we file them and just go about our days…..then suddenly one minor thing happens and that cabinet implodes….the papers are flying everywhere,  the cabinet is knocked over, kicked down…..broken, destroyed……….that was the email.  1 teenie, tiny email………and my cabinet was destroyed……the crazy thing is I had no clue that the meltdown was about to happen……


Without giving all the details, a group I work with sent out a lovely email signing up new people to solicit money for the organization.  I did so last year and did it when I was deathly ill….but I ran all around the streets of DC/Maryland/VA….when I am passionate about something I do it with all my heart and soul…if I believe in it I give 110%.  Well….I looked at the email and saw all these businesses that I worked with given to others……..What the ?#@%#.....    I combusted.  I immediately called the person (attempted to be calm, but I know better than to do that…….I wasn’t calm…I was so hurt).  It was a mistake that was made……..but it HURT……. 


The phone rang and………….it was my MOM….who had NO IDEA about the tornado she was about to hit……(the trailers were swirling everywhere)……I read her the email that I had wrote in response……I was MAD and above all I WAS HURT!   And then it happened……and it shocked even me, I didn’t even see it coming…….I began to ball……to cry and cry and cry…….


And here is a bit of the email…….


 Lately people have been telling me .....well we didn't ask you to do this because we werent sure how you would feel or we know you have alot going on........     Bottom line for me is that I am my own personal judge and I can let everyone know what I am and am not able to do. 

I'm pissed and I know it shows in this email.....but this cancer thing is how people are treating me.....POOR Ronda, poor stage IV, poor single girl......which nothing irritates or upsets me more......   I guess that is why I am looking to move.....to start fresh and to go where I am NOT a diagnosis.........I'm a Commander, a nurse, a hard worker......not just Cancer.


I’m sorry if I am making any of you cry……whether you are sick, a stranger, a friend, a caretaker, or a caregiver…..some days it is hard…..but I want to be treated like everyone else.  I don’t want you to do cartwheels because I simply show up for work…..I need you to have expectations out of me….to challenge me and to push me further…….if I didn’t push myself I would have given up and died a long, long time ago.  I may fall into a wicked hole…….but I can figure out a way to claw myself to the top….and if you have any clue of who I am …..YOU WOULD KNOW THAT. 


I hate cancer….I know at times people are sick of it…..I’m sick of it….I mean this in the nicest way that people who have cancer and are cured and don’t have any more treatment…its’ great to cheer for them and you see their victory…….mine is a never ending game……that you are always in the 4th quarter…over and over and over again…….chemo after chemo after surgery after scan after hospital visit after…….and it will never end.  IT ends when I die…….we all know how this game ends….and it ends the same way for each of us.  


I guess my take home message to everyone is to FIGHT….to NEVER EVER GIVE UP.  To push…..when you know someone can do something….PUSH FOR MORE.  Don’t lower the expectations….when you meet the bar….raise that DAMN bar higher……people will amaze you about what they can do…..sick, well, crazy, or whatever……don’t pity anyone, give people a chance….and if they fail…..so what….at least they tried………


Please know when you read this that I am okay…….I’m actually running to the gym…..Because I can and I want to……I’m grasping at straws sometimes to stay alive…..and even though my life is crazy and different….it is MY LIFE…..and I only have one to live….so I am going to play as hard as I can....no expections...no pity....it is what it is!!!


Happy Monday…….FIGHT ….grrrrrrr!!!!!!!   J