The painting class Monday night was fun.  We did a color wheel and then took colors and made other colors.  We started a thumbnail for shading of our pictures.  What is light , medium dark.  Next we follow the shading onto the canvas.

Wed night a co-worker had a jewelery party after work.  I spent way to much money.  Oh well.
Thursday at work they had a BBQ and we could wear shorts for the day.  I had a bad night.  All those motorcycles out there and none of them are Bob and me.  Convergence started yesterday and I am not going but it still hurts.  No great costume this year or the chaos of getting ready and having to get all this "stuff" in the truck and over to the hotel.

I am doing a few things around the house today and some errands as I have the day off as a Holiday.  Robert is coming for dinner.  Jason is having a BBQ tomorrow so I'll go to that. 

So ok I am doing things.  That is a good thing.  I decided last night.  Bob took very good care of me.  I am not so good at taking care of myself.  I am learning. 

I have been way hard on myself that I am not doing better or getting more done.  What does it really matter??  The world didn't end when Bob died.  (Should have)  The world isn't ending because I didn't get the dishes done or the garden weeded.  ( thank goodness)   It is ok for me to read a book and that is my day.  Some days that is all I can do. 
Count the good things...  I have friends and family that support me and care about me and are around and available. I have a job and I am making it to work everyday.  I have lots of food and I am mostly eating.  I own my house.  I have two kitties who love me.  I have fish and a pond. Flowers.  Birds who chow down all the bird food. A Troll truck.  painting class.  Books galore.  lots of 'stuff'  I need to weed through and refine which will help keep me busy and out of mischief.  A grief group to help me sort out all these feelings and emotions that overwhelm me at times.

I am very lucky.  I may not feel very lucky or very blessed but I have so much and it takes looking at it all to realize I am not doing so bad after all.

I have been wanting to cry and nothing happens.  I keep wondering if I could just get it out and cry like crazy my soul will be washed clean and I can then be refreshed and not feel so yucky. Out with the bad! Out with the grief! Out with the feeling stuck and alone! Out with the unsureness and inadequacy and unhappiness!  Out Out Out!  
Ah well.