Well here its Monday. Just 1 day shy of 2 months since she died. Our kitchen is remodeled and Amanda had her sweet 16 birthday party. I am drained. I don 't feel wiser or stronger or better. I still have 11 other children who are in need of parents. 8 of them more than the others. The older 3 have families of their own and believe that they don't really need us any more. That is OK. I felt the same way. My mother passed away a year ago (my father died about 12 years ago) and the house that I was raised in was sold just this past March or April. It felt as though I lost my anchor. I have come to realize that that duty has passed on to me. I just hope that no matter how stormy it gets, or how far asea they go, they reach over from time-to-time and give the chain a tug and draw strength and comfort from the rusty old weight still being there for them. I hope also that when it is time for the job to pass to them it will be a simple gentle matter of switching links and that the feeling of being set adrift will not be strong or lingering and that they too will be anchors for theirs.

School is starting soon. Don't know how to move into it. I am sure Corinne is not all to anxious to pick that up either. I wish we had more time to heal but we don't. I don't want to pick everything up again. I don't feel confident or competent to do what needs to get done. Everything to me still seems too hard. This is dangerous for me because it gives room for procrastination. There are just some things that have to be done. When I do accomplish something I don't have the joy of a job completed or well done. It is more like a relief to get one more odious burdensome task finished. I used to love to sing. Not so much anymore. On Saturday and Sunday mornings I used to sing really loud in the shower. Not because I have a great voice of which I am proud, but because the kids alwqays got a kick out of it. They would giggle when they heard me or so I am told. I don't sing in the shower anymore. I am tired of grieving but I don't know how to move forward. I thought that maybe getting involved with something might help but I just don't think that God is calling me to anything. So I here I sit. I do what I can and what I have to do. I am unsure if I am doing anything well. I don't mind the tasks, I just wish that sometime soon they all won't seem so overwhelming no matter how large or small they may be.