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Off to the Ranch

The plane is full. Everyone is headed somewhere. This is the second of three flights today. We are headed to Billings Montana, to a place called BearTooth ranch. We are invited to a retreat put on by the Hunting For Heroes Org, this being the first annual VOWS event. There will be about 9 other couples, all LEO's injured and disabled in the line of duty with their spouses. They will be from all over the country and have had their lives changed due to some "on the job" event. My expectations are all over the place. I want to enjoy the peace and outdoor nature. I want to enjoy my husband without any doc appts or therapies to attend. But most of all I can't wait to meet other spouses who are walking in my shoes, whose spouse is not longer the same, who so desperately are wanting things to be back to normal. I know some of that is not realistic but at least I hope to walk away with some lifelong friendships and support systems of those who know what I feel, know what its like to look at your life partner and sometimes wonder where he went. I want to know how to deal with the ups and downs of this journey. He says things to me that I know isn't him, he says things to the kids that I know he doesn't feel in his heart. He says things to his friends and coworkers that goes over the line. He knows that he isn't the same and he's trying to deal with it. He needs support. I hope he can connect with others on this trip and maybe learn something from them. Maybe he can learn how to pick up the pieces and move forward when he is no longer the man/officer/husband/father/brother/son/friend that he use to be. We both need to learn how to handle the good and the bad, the ups and the downs of this whole brain injury thing. Not gonna lie, it stinks. Some days its easier to walk away, knowing its not him, not the man I married. Some days it hurts like hell. I cry if needed and then think of the kids and how happy they make me and how blessed we are they still have a father who loves them very much.

Updates from our week on the ranch to follow. Stay tuned!!
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Tad Cole
By Tad Cole
You share your quiet vulnerabilities with those of us seen and unseen, known and unknown. What tremendous faith...and courage. Thank you. You must be a source of strength to the very ones from whom you seek it.
Peyton Jones
By Peyton Jones
Your pictures are gorgeous and I'm so glad you and Peter are having a much needed break...What a wonderful experience for both of you..
Have Fun!!
jane beck
By Jane Beck
I hope you had a great trip and it was helpful for the both of you. I think a lot of people don't understand how much you are a victim in this too. I am glad you are posting so honest to let us know.
Sharon Wagner
By Sharon Wagner
Always thinking of you and your family. Prayers that this trip helps heal.
Brinda Sedgwick
Still praying for you and your family.

Brinda Westbrook-Sedgwick
kimberly rose
By kimberly rose
I hope this retreat is everything you are looking for and more! You certainly deserve it!! You are such an inspiration to so many! Please hang in there and keep us updated :)
Jacquie Calnan
By Jacquie Calnan
Suzanne, I hope this gathering meets and exceeds your expectations! I will be praying for you.
Please know that not only will you be among kindred spirits there, but you are taking all our hearts to Montana as well!

(CaringBridge hiccuped as I wrote this - it may appear twice. If so, I apologize to all.)
Katherine McCormick
By Katherine Nygren
Praying that God will meet you both in very real, tangible ways during this trip that are unmistakenly HIM!
Ellen Hoffmaster
You are both in my thoughts and prayers. You amaze me with your tenacity and your vulnerability - please know that there are many of us out here still carrying you, Peter and your kids in our hearts. Thank you for being so real, Suzanne.
Carol Agayoff
By Carol Agayoff
I hope that all of your expectations come true, and that this adventure will renew your and Peter's spirits.