Nolan Bontke's Journal
Written Mar 2, 2014 10:12pm
Somewhere over the rainbow......One of my favorite songs and Pink is doing an awesome job on it on the Oscars.
I have been looking forward to watching the Oscars all day. I love seeing all the beautiful dresses and clips of the movies. I have not seen any of the movies so I just pretend when I see the clips. I can not even imagine getting all dressed up like that. You would have to feel like Cinderella. How awesome would that be.
We just stayed in today and stayed warm. I was not sure if it would be slick so I did not go to church. I heard it was a little slick after services. About the time Dr Tim started preaching, the ground was covered here with little sleet balls. I was glad I was not out in it. I had to go sweep off the ramps in front and back and my hands hurt with the cold. Poor little Gizmo runs out and pees and runs back in without ever stopping. I don't blame him.
I had a good visit today with a friend. She has gone through a loss within the last year also. I am always reminded that everyone grieves in their own way. I have been reading on a Grief Recovery site. The article today was on cliches. It stated that time does not heal all wounds. Even after years, you will still miss your loved one and hurt from not having them with you. It is not time but the way you deal with the loss. Some people are ready to continue life in a short while and others take longer. Staying busy is not the answer either because you just are tired. It truly is all about dealing with the loss openly. Not trying to shove anything back or skip over the pain. Learning to accept the loss and live with that. It does not get better or easier, you just have learned to live with the loss and continue life. Some people can not do that. They are stuck and can not continue life. Some call it moving on. I don't. I don't like that phrase. I like continuing life. I think that is what it is all about. I have had so many people offer advice or the old cliches. Some have experienced loss and know the feeling, but again, every one grieves differently and every relationship is different. Kind of like TBI, no two are alike. You just have to lean on God and believe wholeheartedly that He will take you through and show you the life He has waiting for you. Trust that only God's grace can get you through the process and onto the next chapter. If our life is a story, there are many chapters. We know the beginning and we know the ending. Mine will end gloriously, I pray yours will also. It is the chapters in the middle that shape us into the person God has planned for us to become. Grief is one more aspect of our growing. I pray daily, continually thay I am making it through this incredibly difficult process with God's glory shining through me. Always a work in progress.
Keep praying for L. for my highschool friend. For all those who are facing struggles and challenges. That pretty much includes us all. Pray for your neighbors and friends. I know it is corny but Bette Midler singing Wind Beneath my Wings makes me cry. Such a beautiful song.
Please keep praying for my future chapters. There may be changes coming. Or not. Only God knows for sure. I am ready to do whatever He leads me to. Pray that I will be ready and able to hear and discern His leading and His messages. Pray for the answers and solutions to come.
I was not sure I wanted a little dog. But Gizmo has wormed himself into my heart already. He is so attached to me. He has to be able to see me at at all times. That sounds silly but it is comforting. to feel needed and wanted, even if it is only a little dog. Just to see the excitement when he sees me is a delight. He is a pretty good companion. A perfect Lap Dog. I am blessed that God sent him to me.
I am just truly blessed period.
Written Mar 1, 2014 11:34pmI took a little side trip west today. After I picked up my Bountiful Basket goodies, I went to visit my brother.
Bountiful Baskets is a wonderful resource for fresh fruits and veggies. I just looked it up on line and enrolled. Each month I can go on and see when the delivery will be in Plainview and what add ons they offer. I got my coconut oil, the granola and some huge potatoes extra this time. I took Gizmo so a friend from Kress puppy sat him while I got my goodies. There is always someone there to help carry if you need help. Such sweet people and always great food. Today I got oranges, grapefruit, a carton of strawberries, cabbage, jicama, peppers, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers and celery, and asparagus. All look really fresh.
My brother is such a handyman. I had seen a project where old books, not any of any value at all, were cut into the shape of a letter, such as S. So I had some old Reader's Digest books and we were going to try that. He made it look so easy. We did not have a stencil so I had to draw the letters freehand. They look pretty good. some look awesome. My nephew was very impressed, especially when I told him what they were selling for in stores. We could make up a whole bunch and sell out at a craft show. They are that cute. It was fun to hang out with them. My other nephew was watching basketball in the house so he puppy sat Gizmo. Their pomeranian was not really in a playing mood. He never hurt Gizmo or even scared him, just did not want to play. They said he is that way with all other dogs, kind of a dog snob. Gizmo did not care. He was getting attention and he could run with Meeko even if Meeko did not actually acknowledge his presence. Gizmo was having fun. We went to eat at Leal's. I can not remember the last time that I ate there. It was soooooooooo good. I could easily have overeaten. Just a nice afternoon. Got home just as it was getting a lot colder outside.
There are times when I think I am doing pretty good and then I will see something or hear something and lose it. I have never been extremely emotional, but ever since Nolan was hurt, I am. Does not take much to get me going. At least now, I have Gizmo to snuggle with when I am having a bad moment. I think that is just part of the grieving process. Learning to live without someone who has been a part of you. Who is still a part of you. It is a new life that I never asked for or really wanted. I loved my life with my husband. But that is over and here I am trying to find my way in a new life. Lots of changes. I am working hard to just be quiet and still and listen for God's leading. There are times when I feel that something is right. I want to make sure my feelings are in line with God's plan.
Please keep up the prayers for L. Still making tiny steps forward, but that is ok. There is no rush. I know her family would love to have some huge progress, but they know also that any progress is wonderful. Healing takes time. Keep my friend from high school in your prayers. He has a rough road. Please pray that God will make the pathway very clear for me. When it is time, He will open the doors and clear away all the stones. Nothing will stand in the way. We are still waiting on many answers and solutions. Please pray that God will supply those for us. Pray for Josh and Kara as they search for a new house. That they find the perfect home for their family.
I had the best visit with a friend tonight. She has been on a busy track lately and we have not been able to catch up. Life just gets really involved at times. She wears a lot of hats and does so much for so many. I love it when we do get time to catch up. I always feel so much better. Hopefully we will get to get together this week and really get caught up. There is nothing like being with a great friend and just talking everything out. Truly some of God's sweetest blessings are our friends.
Written Feb 28, 2014 10:27pmWhew. We have been on the go. Went to Lubbock yesterday for my PT. It always feels so good while I am there but I can sure feel it later in the day. The therapy helps keep my hip loosened up. We decided it was time to get some pictures taken of it. See just what it looks like. so I did that this morning.
Yesterday I picked Kaden up after school, Izzy from her daycare. I had left Gizmo in the bathroom with Maddie while I was at therapy. I picked him up to go get the kids. He was so happy to see me. He really must think I am his mother. Maybe I look like her, or smell like her. After playing in the bathroom, he stunk. Last night I kept telling him that. I think I hurt his feelings.
Josh and Kara are looking for a larger house. I went with Josh and the kids to look at one yesterday. Kara was working late. It was a beautiful house. Just what dreams are made of. Please keep them in your prayers while they search for the perfect house.
Gizmo did not sleep well last night. He kept waking up at every little sound. I had to take him out to potty about 3-4 times. He just could not get settled. One time I thought I heard something. I figured Kaden had gotten up to go to the bathroom. I sort of rolled over to face the door and there Kaden was, just standing there. Scared me to death. He had had a nightmare and was trying to tell me about it, in a whisper. I could not hear anything he was saying. I asked him if he could go back to bed and he said NO. So I told him to take his blanket and go sleep on the couch. Around 5, Josh was up and I heard him asking Kaden what in the world he was doing on the couch. Busy night last night. I took the kids for donuts this morning and then to school and day care. After my x-rays, I had another PT session. He is really trying to build up some of the muscles to help. I may be sore tomorrow.
Gizmo and I came home in the brown wind today. It is so nasty. He was so happpy to be home. He could not get in the door fast enough. Ran all over the house just checking things out. It was so pretty, the wind was not quite so high. I just kept the door open onto the deck. The dogs went in and out as they wanted. I like this time of the year for that reason. No flies or mosquitoes. I can leave the door open.
Gizmo was really smelly so he got a bath today. He does ok until I start to dry him off. He does not like me to rub him down with a towel. I did the best I could and then let him down. He was shaking, but he did not want me to dry him any more. He is so pretty and white and soft. And he smells good.
Nolan's aunt stopped by today. She was very sick on the day of his services so she did not get to come. She just wanted to stop and give me a hug. Such a sweet heart. Please keep her in your prayers. She fell a while back and is still very sore. She has so much on her plate these days. She does not need to fall and get hurt. I just love her.
L is still making baby steps, but that is ok. Any step forward is good. She will just need time to build up her blood and her strength. Her sweet husband has been with her the entire time. When we were in rehab and at the various hospitals and facilities, we saw so many injured or sick who had no one to be with them. Many of their family members could not handle the hospital and rehab issues. So they just did not come. I hate to say it but most of the absent ones were the men. So seeing my friend staying so faithfully with his wife is so heartwarming. He is such a kind hearted person. Keep praying for them and their children. Plainview said farewell to the sweetest lady today. I would imagine the church was packed to the edge. Everyone loved her. Please keep praying for God to direct my story. to be in charge of every aspect and decision. I am trying hard to be a good listener and pay close attention to what He is saying and leading me to. It seems my story has many more chapters to it. I just want them to be written by God and not by me.
I am supposed to go work with my brother tomorrow. I have not talked with them lately so I will call in th emorning and see waht they are up to. I need to pick up my bountiful BAsket in the morning before I could go. Bountiful Baskets is a great thing. Every other week you can get a basket filled with produce. Fresh produce. Some veggies, some fruit. You never know what will be in the basket. Then there are things you can add on. I added on a box of strawberries once and made freezer jam. I love it. I added on coconut oil and baking potatoes. I figure I can share the potatoes with my neighbor. There is always enough to share with someone. Especially with it being just me. But anyone can get a basket, all you have to do is go online and register. It really is a good thing. so after I get my basket, I may run over and see if we can work on a project. Or wait til next week. Just have to see in the morning.
Today was Nolan's birthday. He would be 64. He seemed so close all day. In his honor, I had hot dogs with homemade chili for supper. His all time favorite. If I asked what he wanted to eat, that was it. Next would be steak. But hotdogs and chili were it for him. He liked canned chili. I can't eat that. It kills my stomach. He had a cast iron stomach, not much ever bothered his stomach. If I was gone, at Summer's or somewhere, he always had hot dogs and chili. So what else would I have on his birthday, but his favorite food. I was blessed to share so many birthdays with him. I wonder if he celebrated his birthday in Heaven. Maybe they celebrate the day you enter God's Kingdom instead. The day you are Reborn. One day I will find out. There would be celebrations going all every day all day. Probably does not take a birthday to warrant a celebration in heaven. Just being there is worthy of celebrating.
I have been pretty good at placing all the decisions in God's hands. I feel pretty peaceful, just waiting to see. I have spent so much time waiting, waiting again is kind of my new normal.