Nikki,

11/23/07

I was going to go through the details of that day, more so for me then anything else. I wanted to write it so I never would forget it. I decided I didn't need to do that but I would like to just bring up some things that I have thought about today, 1 year later.

Our day started early at about 4:30 am. That is when I woke up realizing you had not been up for a while, this was very uncommon while you were in the hospital. You usually woke every couple of hours. That is when I realized things were not quite right. The hospital staff was there and things moved very quickly from that point on. Your dad was there very quickly too. I know you are aware of that. I have always believed that Thanksgiving night when we said "Goodnight, Love You" was our last conversation before you became God's Heavenly Angel. The day that followed was to me, more like you were always there just watching as things happened. So many people were there for us that day, Nikki. I apparently was the one who made calls to so many, though I cannot remember any of them. I called your dad first, so he was there quickly, then while in the ICU I called your Grandparents, who must have called your aunt Kim or I did I don't remember. Either way Kim was there very quickly too. We had so many there during the day. Your Grandparents, Aunt Kim, Kerry and Linda I think were both there at some point, Holly was there and brought your sister, Bob came too, though he still wishes he was there earlier but he was there when he was so supposed to be as was everyone else too. I know Diana was there as well and then the Wisconsin Schauts came to. Shelly and John and Marshall and Cheryl. And then there for us too so much of the day was our Pastor John. I have been thinking a lot about what they all saw as we made the most difficult decision of our lives. We made that decision for them to turn off the machines that we had seen help you to stay with us. That day Nikki seems very unreal, like it was one of those movies we would sit and watch and cry at and yet that was our life. That why they call them lifetime movies. We know when we made that decision that God was there helping us to know it was right. We know you heard us when we told you it was okay, okay for you to go, we would be okay and you would be even better.

So now one year later, we brought flowers to church in honor of you, your life with us and your continued journey now in Heaven. Waiting for us in time to be together again. Church was difficult but so many were there for us. Pastor John made a point of recognizing all the families that have lost loved ones during the holidays in the prayers and also mentioned the flowers being for you.

Today we have not done much, your dad has put some lights on the house, I started the traditional Christmas cookie baking and we had our Chinese in honor of you. Your favorite sesame chicken and the vegetables. I ate your share of the broccoli as you know your dad and Em don't do that much for vegetables.

Being this is my last letter to you here let me just tell you that we will continue to do all we can to keep your memory alive. We have the two scholarships that we are doing, one at Tartan and one at Holy Cross. We are going to stay involved in Relay for Life. We will stay with your friends as long as they will have us and next year Em will be at Tartan to have us start a team for her in honor of you. This year they have asked me to speak at a kickoff event in January. When the young lady called to ask me to speak I realized the caller ID was a person I had not talked to in a couple of years. I knew her from girlscouts. I know that she had a cancer connection and I just knew that again it was a sign of a connection I need to keep.

I will keep writing to you in my journal at home and I will continue to write in a blog to connect with others that want to follow our family. We have so many Nikki that have remembered us often in prayers and support. Thanks to those who sent cards and letters and flowers to us, remembering us as we are remembering you, Nikki.

I have struggled Nikki with something. I used to watch shows (you know that is what you and I always did so many of my thoughts come from shows) where family members lost someone and they kept the room as they were when they passed away. I have really had a time with this one because I cannot change it, but I read a book written by one of the women from the Women of Faith Convention I was ate. She had lost an infant I believe and she had thought of it differently then I did. I have always thought you would be forever 16, but as she stated in her book, she believed her daughter would just be growing up in heaven and so since we really will never know until we are together again, that I felt if I looked at it that way then I could deal with your room. So what I have decided for now, is that as you would be growing up and making changes so will I. So I can gradually make changes to reflect more of how I would see you growning up. No, this will not be something I will be doing when you would be hitting sixty, that would be rather nuts, but I think for now it is a place to start. I just love you so much that I don't want to take away those memories in that room so slowly I can do that. Baby steps I call them.

I know that as I close this letter I will think about something more I wish I had said but I will always be talking to you Nikki just not here.

Sending you hugs from home (and your dad rubbing your head)

Love

Mom

(For all of you have stuck by us, please continue to read the blog. I realize this has been a great spot to connect but I will do my best to stay in touch. I would also like to ask you to do me a favor. I know that so many were affected deeply by Nikki's passing away and I would love to have some of your thoughts, especially those that were with us that day. I cannot thank you all enough for all you have done for us over the years. This is not then end of our journey together but a journey on another route, guided by Nikki's faith and ours.

God bless you all

Mark, Kristi, *Nikki* and Em