It was a Monday morning 1 year ago today that the call came in that Nathan's bone marrow was abnormal, that he too faced the same horrible road as Nicholas, that he too would suffer the devastating effects of chemo, radiation, mucositis, vomitting, bone pain, and an ultimate transplant...........that he too would have to gamble on engraftment, survival, relapse or cure. One year ago today our hearts were crushed yet again knowing that the 2nd of our two children would have to endure such hell, and come to realize things that children should never know exisited.
I tend to stay away from the self-pity, I try really hard to remain positive, but I am finding it harder and harder to not be angry, to not demand better for my children. I am not angry with God, please don't doubt that, I am simply at a loss for reasoning. We have seen so many children die, so many families lose their precious child to this transplant process, some had cancer some didn't..............but most of them died from complications due to their transplant and not their disease process. Most children who do go to transplant go because it is their last chance.....their families last hope to watch their child grow to an adult, and usually it is that very life-saving measure that takes their lives.
I don't exactly know why this is all hitting me so hard tonight, but I am terrified to go to transplant with Nathan. I look at him and he seems so healthy, he appears to be "normal", it is hard for me to grasp that he needs this. It isn't the fear of the unknown like it was with Nicholas, but the fear of the known, I know what he will have to go through, the risks, the pain.............that is the scary part.
Sorry to put so much weight in this update, but sometimes it is the only thing that helps. Pray for Nathan's bone marrow aspiration on the 10th to reveal that his marrow is stable, that his blasts haven't multiplied greatly.
Ok, time to put my big-girl pants on.............................
Blessings,
Christy
