Today is the day of the Pride Parade in the Twin Cities. Natalie loved going. It was always a rush to get ready and head down to Hennepin and find our spot right near the start.
The beads and the music and of course the candy along the way were such wonderful gifts for a seven yr old.... which was how old she was the first time we went. She was pure joy and excited to participate in life, whatever it was that made her feel good....We should all take a lesson from that.
I got up this a.m. and decided to prepare a good breakfast with carbs this morning! Brian and I have been working at getting physically healthier than we have been. Brian is doing a great job of losing weight and I'm so proud of him that he took that initiative a few months ago. He is looking great. So we had pancakes and eggs, one of Nat's favorite breakfasts....I smooshed up some fresh strawberries w/ syrup and it was delicious. Remembering how much she enjoyed that specific breakfast, remembering fondly, with a feeling of sadness that she isn't physically here to share with....What a dichotomy of emotions. It is difficult to explain where we are at right now emotionally. It's a beautiful thing to know in our hearts that our Angel is so very close, and that brings a bit of peace and acceptance. And there is also the idea that we are traversing this material plane where it feels like she was just snatched away, out of our reach sometimes. I still feel that sense of shock, that she is no longer here, that shopping for clothing, or getting hair cut, or having a girls night, or going to Disneyworld just because (not as a Make a Wish trip) is no longer a part of our agenda....What do I do with these feelings of emptiness that seem to sweep over me at different times of the day, different instances, the different reminders that we are no longer Mom Dad and Nat? And these feelings do sweep through me. I do remember that there is a Divine Plan for all of us, for Mom and DAd, for the siblings, and their partners, for Esme and Ethan who won't get to know their lil Auntie Nat. And for all the lives she’s touched.
That saddens me still, her not getting to know Ethan and Esme, the way that we know them. I remember that Natalie had written a letter specifically to Esme and I still have it in one of her notebooks. She also has a few other letters, that we are not ready to let go of yet, for Gao Zhong, and Cassie, and several others.
It isn't like we are always sad, but there are reminders every single day that we were once a Mom and Dad to a 10 yr old girl who we had to let go of in all ways but specifically, physically.....Where is she??? Where did she go??? There are many love songs we hear on the radio, but the lyrics of some of the songs play through my head and that have a completely different meaning to me, to us now..."I hunger for your touch" my girl.
The ripple of her energy and the lives she touched through her awesome little life continues on. On this day of Pride festivites in the Twin Cities I'm sure you are there somewhere my girl, shakin your groove thing and laughing your little heart out! Daddy says she only saw the beauty. I say she only focused on the beauty.
She didn’t focus on the other “stuff” that we allow ourselves to get bogged down in….Maybe that is why she is no longer here. She was just too much Light to stay….
I'm glad there is a place for me to come to, to pour my heart out. I know there are others who can relate and that we aren't alone in this.
