I've been reflecting on the last year, not that I really wanted to. As much as I CAN say that 2008 was all good, that Brian and I supported each other, that our people, our loved ones supported us, that we experienced joy and excitement and enthusiasm, we have also experienced a Great Void. I have come to realize that throughout this year, I am learning a new way of being. On Christmas Day Brian and I spent it quietly. At home, with no celebration really. Just quietly. We didn't really even speak to each other a whole lot. A hug here or there. There were no words to share only the feeling of the void on that very special day. We spoke about the reality of having a Christmas without a child. Our oldest children were born in 1980, so it has been for 28 years that we've had children in our home on Christmas. Children we called ours.This was our first year without one physically being here. Without our Nat specifically. I think this is one of the hardest concepts to adjust to. I just called her our Nat. Was she really ours? "Our child." Is she not God's child? She was not a possession. She was and is God's Child. I think of it from that perspective and I am filled with joy and gratitude. And yet. Missing the Christmas morning flurry of paper and smiles and thank you's and excitement has shifted in our home. No "who's all coming over?" and "what are we gonna do?" and Yes, Brian and I have each other and we have our family and our very large extended family. We have our friends, people that love and support us. And my heart is filled with gratitude for the love and support of this past year. A random call from friend or family checking in on us. A card in the mail. The support on Caringbridge. I truly am, we truly are grateful. And of course the signs that Natalie shows us through the feathers and the songs that play at the most perfect times. Like Nicki finding that beautiful Winter Song that so so so described where I was at. Thank you Nicki. It is so very beautiful and bittersweet. Here is the link; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUO0gd7cr9o We are finding our way. Some days better than others, and it is 1 month short of a year since Natalie passed. Transitioned to another way of being. And we all have transitioned too because of our relationship with her. Our relationship with her beautiful bright and playful Light. I have a memory and see all of that in her eyes. And I am learning to feel it. Feel her Light. Feel it in my heart and in my being. It is my, it is OUR transition too.
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