Nataley Grayce Young's Journal
Written Apr 24, 2007 8:42pmWell Bump, its been a while. It aint been easy. I've fallen apart, and slowly I'm trying to put the pieces back together. I want to hold you so bad. Some nights I wake up and I swear I can smell you. That scent of love and innocence, baby powder and trust. I think of you all the time. What happened, and what could have been. I don't try to fight it anymore. I just let the emotions roll. I cry less now, but I still hurt just like it was yesterday. I know some look at me and wonder why I don't just let it go. No one would ever say it out loud, but a person can't hide what is in their eyes. I see it and I wish I could explain to them, how a piece of me feels dead, not just empty, but dead. And then again I'm grateful that they have no idea how I feel. I wish no one ever had to feel this way. That no one ever had to know what its like to lose a child. I dreamt of you last wk. It wasn't a memory, it was an actual dream. You were older and it was right after bath time, and you were giggling and playing, and you were perfect. I wish we'd been given the chance to make a memory like that. I wish u could have stayed. I pray every night that you forgive me and that you accept my love, it will never fade. I may never get to hold you again, but still, I will never let you go.... Good Night my love. I'll see and hold you in my dreams.
Written Jan 25, 2007 8:00pm
Had a busy day today! Started at 6 this morning. Got my car fixed, seen Scrappy, missed you all day! The dr. wants to run some of the blood tests again, to make sure the results are right. He did say that he wants me on Heprin shots when I get preg. again. I'll never understand why they wait till its too late to be careful. Just because they found out and it may not happen again, doesn't make me feel any better or any safer. Why weren't they this worried about doing blood work when I was going in every 3 wks with you cause I was bleeding? Why do they suddenly feel like I matter. You mattered, why did they have to make YOU part of my past in order to care my future??????? I want you here in my arms, to stop my tears, calm my fears. I know you are in no pain now, but I still worry that you are in heaven looking down on me and asking "Mommy, why'd you let me die? Why did you hurt me?" I swear I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much, all I ever wanted to do was spoil you rotten. And I so do not want you to hate me. I know your daddy loves me, and he swears he doesn't think it was my fault, but I think in the back of his heart, he holds me responsible. I can't blame him, I hold myself responsible. MoM means protect in some language I'm sure. I don't want to feel like this forever. If you don't hate me, please give me a sign, I don't want wonder anymore. It is eating at me every second of every minute of every day.
I love you baby Girl, Sweet Dreams.
Written Jan 19, 2007 7:59pmHey baby girl! Momma has missed you something awful today. It seems everytime I turn around, there is a sad song on the radio, or babies in every isle at walmart. I know I can't hold it against someone because their child lived when you couldn't, but I am jealous. Jealous of all the moments and all the times they will spend together. I never even got to hear you cry!!! I hope granny is taking good care of you now! Well my angel, sleep tight, and come see me soon. I miss you!!!! Love Ya Bunches, Momma