You know what the Bible says about words spoken at the right time - how good they are (Ps. 15:23)!!! Well, yesterday was a day I was struggling both physically and emotionally, and a sweet friend brought lunch to me while I was getting my chemo, and on the lunch boxes she wrote these verses:
Psalm 94
17 Unless the Lord had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
18 If I say, 'My foot slips,'
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.
19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.
I had chemo yesterday, and was going to find out the results of my scan from last week. The scans are again both good and bad. Here’s the “anxious part…” My lungs are looking really clear and so much better than they have in a long time. However, my liver is looking really bad. Over half my liver is covered with a tumor. It has more than doubled in size since the last scan I had in August. What I understand this means is that the current chemo I have been getting will no longer be acceptable, because even though working well in my lungs and other areas, the liver is obviously getting worse. My oncologist wanted to start me right away on a different Eli Lilly chemo drug called “Gemzar”. However, he has a clinical trial starting that includes another Lilly derivative, that I don’t know a name for, just a number. I have to wait in line to get in the trial, so if I have the ability to maintain my level of health right now, than at the end of this month I will find out if the one person in front of me qualifies or not. If she qualifies, than I will have to wait a little bit longer to get in, if she does not, I will be the next person they try to qualify. I understand that what has happened is that a rogue agent has escaped from my lung and is spreading to other parts of my body, that’s why it’s still called “lung cancer” even though it’s in my liver. So, the best way to attack this liver problem is with chemo targeted at lung problems. The other side to this is, that if my health starts to decline before I qualify for this chemo, he will go ahead and start the Gemzar without the derivative, but that would automatically disqualify me from getting in the clinical study.
I have ordered the complex from the distributors in Atlanta, and I don’t know that I can quantify the result it has had on my liver, but I do know that I am breathing far better than I was I before I had it, and that I will continue using it as long as I can afford it, and as long as I feel it is having a positive result.
There’s a little bit more I have been anxious about; my Aunt Mary, my mother’s youngest sister, has been fighting cancer for longer than I have. Last night, around 11:00 pm, she went home to be with the Lord. Both my parents were there with her, and I know that was a comfort to her, and a comfort to the family. That’s the “comfort” to my soul. I do believe that my Aunt Mary knew Jesus as her Savior. My father had the privilege of reading the scripture to her, and mom had the opportunity to spend time with her and talk to her during her last hours. Please pray for her family. She has a wonderful son, Mason, her husbands name is Tim, and she has four daughters, Amy, Brenda, Cherie-Danielle, and Denise. All for of the girls have children of their own. Aunt Mary home schooled her son, Mason, for many years, so this will be a real struggle for him and her husband Tim. Also, her three sisters, Eunice, Jan and my mom, Cecelia, survive her. I know they will all be comforted knowing you are upholding them in prayer.
As far as my physical well-being. I have been in a great deal of pain under my rib cage and it spreads around my back. I can deal with all of it, but the doctor only has me on two different kinds of morphine, Advil actually does just as good a job, and doesn’t leave me wonky (although my dad questions whether or not I’m just weird and wonderful all on my own). The complex that I order from Atlanta is pretty expensive, but so are some of the other medications. God has wonderfully provided for us every time and I have never been with out – what a comfort to my soul. I am so grateful for your prayers, love and many, many other expressions of kindness to our family. So, in my waiting and wondering, and fighting this depression that doesn’t seem to want to let me go, I take great comfort in knowing that God loves me any way, and that there is nothing I can do to please Him on my own, so I am learning again, day after day, to come to Him, just as I am.
Love and blessings on all of you – thanks for being there every time I need you and for all the times I don’t know I need it.
Love you,
Monica
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