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Can't stand the feeling, missing you so much

Hi angel boy,

It's mommy again, still missing you more than ever.  I hope you are enjoying reuniting with your friend Ryan Reardon up there. He fought long and hard, just as you did.  You two reminded me of each a great deal.  His family will miss him terribly, but he's no longer in pain and enjoying heaven with you and so many others who were taken from us too soon. RIP Ryan.  Watch over your mommy, daddy and brother.  His brother Matthew had to celebrate his birthday Saturday without him.  I hope you were there in spirit to put some smiles on your families' faces Ryan. 


  Mason, as you know Saturday was also your cousin Riley's 8th birthday and last week was your cousin Noah's 9th bday.  I couldn't bring myself to attend Noah's bday, it's so difficult seeing all the children we love running around playing and not having you there to see you do the same.  I broke down a few times at Riley's party Sat, but I did get through it.  I gave him a book of yours; something told me you wanted him to have your 2011 Guiness Book of World Records...  He liked it.  :)  You were sorely missed at the party though; Aunt Dee did the whole piñata thing and scary theme.  The kids really loved it, but missed you a lot like I did and everyone else did.  It was nice seeing all the family together again though without it being a sad event.  The last time we all got together like that was to see you off and celebrate your life. 



Your room is still a mess, I would yell at you for it if you were here but I made the mess.  I attended a birthday party for Kinsley (Lindy and Chris') little girl last month or so and thought I could handle it without you there, but I broke down when I got home.  I made the mistake of entering your room (I usually keep the door closed these days because it's too hard to keep myself from going in there and getting emotional).  I would sit on your bed, hold your blanky and cry forever if you'd let me, you don't let me though, you keep finding ways to send me signs and strength to get through.  If having strength means leaving your door closed until I'm ready, then so be it.  Everything is the way you left it, except I messed your closet up and emptied your end table onto the floor; I could hear you screaming at me when I did it too.  "Mom, you are cleaning that up, get out of my stuff".  I don't even know what I was looking for; I just needed something, a sign, anything.  I found a salt and pepper notebook that you had written only one thing.  It said "wwwcaringbridgedotcom" That was cute, but made me wonder if you were following your caring bridge.  Probably didn’t have much luck with that web address though.  I sure hope you didn’t though because there were things I neglected to tell you towards the end.  I know you knew you were dying, but mommy didn't have the heart to admit it to herself, much less you.



Business has been going well for Mommy lately; I appreciate your help with that.  I asked you a few weeks ago to show me the way and you surely listened.  Thank you my angel.



Daddy is missing you a lot too lately, be sure to visit him often please. I will never forget the day you came into this world and they joy you filled everyone's hearts with immediately.  What a fighter from day one and what a personality you had.  Always making us laugh.  I miss you being here so much, I can't express how this feels. 



I finally met the goal I set for the marathon run of $1,000; boy you have a lot of supporters still. Jim is still working on his goal, for those of you who want to support the cause please visit



I was contacted by the UVA football team today; you sure did leave a mark in their hearts honey.  They asked me to be a "guest coach" at a game, so I chose October 15th when we play Georgia Tech.  That should be a fun experience and I know you will be there with me.  :)  I love and miss you so much, I'm sorry I say that so often but I can't help it.  Daddy does too, he tells me everyday how much he misses you and that he loves his kids more than anything in the world.  Knowing that we get to see you when it's our time is what we hold onto each and everyday.  You make growing old and dying something to look forward to.  I used to be scared to die, but now I will embrace it when it's my time because I know you will be there for me arms out waiting and saying "come on mommy, its okay, come with me".  I look forward to that day when we reunite. 



 



Ryan Regan is doing well, his labs and tumor markers have significantly decreased, his pain has virtually ceased and we are so elated to have this chance to cure him.  The personalized medicine is doing wonders for him.  We are even excited about his next scans. Keep you posted, but really I know I don't have to.  Cathy keeps finding signs from you and she knows you are there watching over Ryan and making sure things are good for him.  You are an amazing fellow.  We all love you so so much. 



We are still awaiting Liam's arrival. That was a funny little trick last week.  He shall be here this week hopefully by Friday and I can't wait to see him.   I just know he will be a little Mason up and down.  He will give us so much joy, just like you did and still do. 



You have my heart now, forever and always angel.  Fly high with the other angels and continue to bless us down here. 



With love and prayers to all our fellow angels, warriors, family and friends.